February 3, 2012

• {a mulligan day}
  
  I have a couple frozen pizza’s I keep in the freezer for nights when it’s been, “one of those days.”

  guess what we had for dinner last night?    

  Yesterday started way too early, after staying up way too late.

  Kate’s done with exams and had the last few days off school.
  Wednesday night, after everyone was in bed, she wanted me to stay up with her to watch a chick flick.
  Of course I wanted that girlfriend time with my first born.  love those kinds of times.

  We watched, “Fried Green Tomatoes,” and have been making jokes about hormones ever since.

  “You need to get you some of them hormones!” {said in thick southern tone}
   
  But the next morning when baby girl let out a holler of,  “maaaaaaam!”
  I groaned and rolled over and knew it couldn’t possibly be morning yet.
  
  I laid there with a pillow on my head, wishing her back to sleep.
  When a few minutes later Emma appeared.
  peering over the edge of my bed, hair on end, eyes barely open.
  saying without any fluctuation whatsoever in her voice,

  “Mom. Reese has taken off her diaper and there is now stinky everywhere.”

  “Oh, no. no. no. no. NOOOOO!” I said.
  Pushing the pillow off and flying out of bed.
  my head spinning from the sudden rush of adrenaline.

  I hurried to her room.

  opening the door to a happy little naked baby smiling at me from her poop smeared face, from amongst her poop smeared bed.
  Do you know how hard it is to clean that stuff out of all the spindles and grooves of a baby bed? I do.

  She jumped up with a clap of her dirty hands. delighted to see me, as always.
  and immediately started her little “uhhhh-ing” explanation as she pointed around her bed.

  “I know, baby!” I sighed. “you made a mess, didn’t you?”

  She wrinkled her forehead and held her hands out to me. “uh?”

  “Yes. I see that.” I said as I picked her up and headed to the bathroom.

  I leaned over the tub as it filled with water, and shut my eyes.

  
  
  there are days I feel like Gumby, the elastic man..
  stretching this way with all the emotions and needs of my older two.
  staying up late to have some special time with Kate.
  But then, stretched and pulled the opposite with all the emotions and needs of the younger.
  waking up at the crack of dawn with a little one.

  And when friends have kids halfway grown by now.
  Long past the poopy diaper stage and no more, ten pounds to lose from baby…
  I can feel. well, odd that I have this huge age span. dumb even, as I’ve had people ask, “what were you thinking?”
  and comparison creeps in that somehow everyone else did it the “right way.” and we missed the memo.
  
  Even though it wasn’t exactly how we planned it to all go down. not that we had a plan.
  My only “plan” when we got married was to not be the typical homeschool mom, popping a baby out a year!
  Beyond that. I don’t know. We’d take what happened.

  What happened was the first two came very easily. Ben, even a surprise!
  And when we felt ready for our third it wasn’t as easy as my husband winking at me.
  And years passed. and miscarriages happened. and month after month of sitting on the toilet in tears. 

  yes. it wasn’t our plan to have them so spread out. we took them as we got them.
  and most days, I wouldn’t have it be any different.
  there are cool things about having a big age gap.

  but yesterday morning was not one of those days. it didn’t strike me as cool at all.

  I’d like to say I just prayed and surrendered my will to God and all those emotions cleared up.
  Or, that I read my Bible, looking for a verse of… something! and it all went away.
  well, it didn’t go like that.

  the whole day I felt blah. a little discouraged. and a whole lot OLD!
  and I pushed through my tiredness trying to do and be everything I was supposed to
  but by about noon, I was done.
  there was no rallying of my heart, “when I can’t He can…”
  I just wanted to go to bed and sleep for 3 years!
  
  and just when I felt a new discouragement creeping in, at how unspiritual I was..
  I remembered something Shayne had said to me once when I was having a tough day.

  “it’s a mulligan, babe. let it go. tomorrow will be better!”

  Mulligan is a term in golf where if you screw up a shot, it doesn’t count on your score card. you get a do-over.

  and yes. there are times I feel I completely screw up my shot at that day.

  We feel like such failures on days like that, don’t we.
  That we haven’t measured up or been more like Ann Voskamp.

  But sometimes the best thing we can do is nothing.
  to set aside our mile high to-do list and just be!

  
  
  to close up the school books and lay on the couch and watch Phineas and Ferb.
  to let your 14 year old go to her friends house, even though her room is a mess.
  to not worry that you’re still in your pajama pants and that you ate that extra brownie at lunch.
  to play a few rounds of dutch blitz instead of folding laundry.

  And as the sun sets behind the trees, as we eat our frozen pizza for dinner..
  I’m glad that days have ends to them.
  And fresh starts available with each sunrise.

  that when we feel we have a mulligan day~ because of His mercy we can have another shot!

  and so far today diapers have stayed on and school is getting done..
  so we’re hitting a bit closer to the hole!

  *******

  the rest of the valentines shots of the girls.
  we did two outfits – one with candy, and one not.

  and yes! that is my bedspread doubling as a background.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  i learned once you hand a baby a giant marshmallow sucker.. the photo shoot is pretty much done!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Oh, these little hearts that hold so much of mine.
  even on mulligan days, and no matter how old I ever feel..
  I’ll never regret that I have you!
  
  
  
  
  
  ´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

  ********
  
  
  
   the after shoot look.
  
  

  • 2:20 pm
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