May 4, 2012

• {these are my short stories}

  I’m writing now from a hotel room in Washington, Pennsylvania.
  {and ya know, every time i write pennsylvania i have to google the spelling!}

  but I’m sitting at this beautiful mahogany colored desk that’s built into the wall.
  with a cool black and white shot of a clock tower overhead.
  there’s a small spot light that shines down from the ceiling on the picture,
  and the light illuminates this whole corner.
  
  I noticed the desk first thing when I walked into the room.
  thinking how I’d love to sit there, in that big black comfy looking leather chair..
  writing out the thoughts my heart was full of.
  
  riding in the car does that to me. gives me time to think…
  and weaving through the hills of West Virginia today, staring out the window-
  how the thoughts piled up, and I felt needed sorted.
  
  writing is my sorting out of thoughts.
  sometimes to merely record what I think.
  other times, to know, or better understand, what I think.
  
  and speaking of riding in the car..
  there is now a whole post I could write on just that. and with your parents! 
  funny how you don’t seem to notice your parents are getting older..
  until times like, when you’re traveling in the car with them.
  stopping at every rest stop. and eating at Bob Evans.
  
  OR. when you’re the one driving and suddenly sixteen again with both of them warning you a car is stopping..
  or might be.. SEVERAL miles ahead!!
  
  how I love them.
  
  but once we made it to the hotel {good thing i did drive or we’d still be on the road. kidding!}
  Mom and I headed to Target across the way. while Dad took Emma to the pool.
  where. she couldn’t wait to tell me when I got back.. “papaw dot in da pool in him clothes!!”
  
  I guess he forgot his swimsuit. and she kept saying every few minutes..
  “i wish you didn’t fordet your fimsuit papaw.”
  and so he suddenly just took off his polo shirt and shoes and socks and climbed in in his khaki pants and t shirt!
  
  I’ve smiled all night, every time I think of it.
  what a memory for her. and what a way to not care what others think!
  
  of course Emma has been bouncing off the sides of everything this entire trip from pure excitement.
  we didn’t think this first hotel tonight had a pool. so when we walked in and saw they did –
  she was doing cartwheels down the hall!! {literally}
  
  back in our room. just the two of us. I kept glancing over at this lovely little writing spot..
  after awhile I turned the Disney channel on for her and came and sat down.
  but she kept jabbering away to me. asking how to spell this and that as she tried playing hangman alone.
  
  I sighed several times at her questions.
  and felt myself grow irritated at the interruptions from the “inspiration” I was trying to write!
  and then. somewhere. in the middle of one of those “inspirational” {full of fluff} thoughts it struck me.
  why was I sitting here trying to write about life. when I could be LIVING IT!
  
  here was my girl. right there. asking for my time. wanting to be with me.
  wanting me to share in her excitement. to share her beef jerky!
  to play a game of hangman with her…
  and I “couldn’t” because I was blogging?
  
  I felt that tug in my heart. that tug of doing the right thing vs. doing the thing you want.
  I hesitated. drumming my fingers on the keyboard.
  then. and a bit reluctantly, reached up and pulled my laptop shut.
  going over and laying next to her on the bed.
  
  I haven’t always made that kind of choice.
   
  times when through the years of blogging I’ve chosen this space over quality time with my kids.
  times I’ve shushed them away to finish a thought..
  that probably had something to do with wanting to be a better mom.
  times I’ve wanted to read what my friends are sharing..
  status updates. where they went on vacation and what they ate for breakfast..
  instead of stopping to listen to my own kids! even my husband.
  
  and though I’m sure there will be those times again in the future.
  times of getting it wrong. of holding to what I want over what I know I should do.
  how I want to, hope to, remember this. times like tonight.
  to not miss out on the life right around me..
  while I sit blogging about it. or reading about it. or pinning about it. or tweeting about it. or just thinking about it.
  instead of actually being about it. right in the middle of it. anybody get that with me?
  
  of course, I will always love this space.
  love writing. love sharing and talking and being able to peek in on my friends.
  but those things will always be here. my kids? they won’t. atleast, not in this way.
  
  she won’t be six forever.
  things like hotels with “credit cards that open the door!” won’t always excite her.
  and getting to eat beef jerky at 11 o clock at night while snuggling in bed..
  watching Phineas and Ferb, won’t always make her giggle.
  
  she won’t always want to share with me her every little thought.
  or ask me to play a game of hangman..

  so. while she needs me. while she wants me. I want to be there.
  fully engaged in these moments! which means, sometimes..
  sometimes being willing to set aside what I want to do until later,
  so that I can pay attention to now!
  
  Many people have said to me, “What a pity you had such a big family to raise.
  Think of the novels and the short stories and the poems you never had the time to write because of that.”
  And I looked at my children and I said, “These are my poems. These are my short stories.” - Olga Masters

  
  
  
  what matters most are the words we live. not the ones we write!
  

  amber.
  
  

  • 11:53 pm
  • 29 Comments