August 18, 2012

• {sleepless nights}

  reese usually is a great sleeper..
  my friends that know her ask if i drug her.
  she sleeps that well.

  going down like clock work at seventy thirty or eight
  and sleeping till eight or nine the next morning.

  but this past week she’s taken to getting up in the night.
  she cries as if she’s scared. afraid of the dark maybe..
  and nothing but holding her seems to console her.

  one night i finally just brought her to bed with us.
  it’s usually a last alternative..
  one she thinks is fun
  one, shayne and i, as we lay there getting mulled to death, think anything but.

  
  
  and how those kind of nights with an inconsolable little one can seem endless while you’re in the middle of them.
  will morning never come?
  will this child never sleep again?
  will you?

  i was thinking while holding her that night how many times she’s kept me up…
  from the first moments i knew i was pregnant with her, feeling nauseated at night.
  where most are nauseated in the morning, mine was always the other way around.
  then, that feeling that she was doing a tap dance on my bladder, constantly.
  and in the end, just the torture of sleep itself.
  no position in the world being comfortable…
  and turning like a rotisserie chicken all night long!

  and what about the first weeks of her life!
  oh, those first six weeks..
  talk of never ending nights!!
  you can literally feel like your life as you know it is forever over..
  convinced some glazed eyed, zombie woman has invaded your body and taken over the real you!
  sweat pants and breast milk stains are your new look.
  and skinny jeans and romantic dinners uninterrupted seem elusive.

  then, wouldn’t ya know that just as soon as they begin sleeping through the night, the teething starts.
  and there’s fevers and sickness and soaked diapers and beds and yes, times of being afraid.

  once you’re a mom i’m not sure you ever really experience that deep, peaceful REM sleep, or whatever it’s called, again.
  {actually i just googled that and it’s NREM sleep. REM sleep is not that peaceful}
  if you’re like me your ears feel bionic and every little sound from your kids rooms comes in high def!

  all i can say is, thank you Lord for the inventors of concealer.
  garnier skin renewal anti- dark- circle- roller being the absolute best!
  i want to hug the person that created it. no doubt, a mom!!

  
  she didn’t think i’d notice she’d snuck outside with the cereal box
  
  so there we were the other night, she and i. like so many other times before.
  the hours creeping by, daddy long asleep {how do they do that!}…
  as she pointed at the shadows the street light was casting on the wall ..
  and we talked softly about “bad birds” as she calls sea gulls, and had seen that day at the beach ..
  and i whispered songs in her ear like, “hush little baby don’t say a word…”
  and got tickled at myself for the crazy lines i was making up to it ..

  “mama’s gonna by you a floating cow.”

  since cow rhymes with meow.
  and if that kitty cat won’t meow,
  then of course, the next logical thing is a floating cow!!
  why floating i don’t know. unless that’s what i was doing a bit of while trying to sing. i was so tired.

  and after talks and shadows and songs and stroking her hair atleast a thousand times, i felt her body go limp.
  and my arm under her head soon going numb. but i laid there a good while longer..
  you know how you do.. just to make sure she’s really truly asleep before moving!

  and laying there in this awkward position, arm numb, eyes burning..
  i kinda had the silly thought enter my head, “i wonder if she knows how much i do for her?”
  the sacrifices i make. all that i give up. my own comfort to ensure hers.
  how every fiber of my being thinks of her. of her happiness.
  all my kids.
  do they know how i much i love them. the way i love them. do they get that?

  and about then, as reese turned, a foot going into my stomach and a hand slapping at my face i smiled to myself there in the dark..

  no. she doesn’t get it. i’m sure none of them do. not really.

  but someday…

  someday, when maybe they’re just about 38 years old too, they’ll be sitting up in the middle of the night with their own little one.
  and then.. then, they’ll get it.

  all the love and sacrifice and emotion and happiness.

  and maybe they’ll smile in the darkness just like i did as a quiet thank you echoes in their heart.

  i might never know. and that’s okay.
  but i bet they’ll suddenly understand..
  someday, on a sleepless night. 

  
  

  • 11:51 pm
  • 29 Comments