June 13, 2013

• {moving here. staying here. learning to be all here}
  
  
  

  i was always that kid that couldn’t go to sleepovers.
  i never made it.
  i always ended up in tears, my parents having to be called.

  even as a teenager i wasn’t a whole lot better. 
  i remember at fifteen flying to this girls conference thing with the homeschool group we were part of. 
  i hated that week. i was miserable.

  tracey, a girl from my hometown that i didn’t really know at the time flew out to the conference with me.
  she would later tell me how i talked incessantly the whole way about a recent trip to my aunt’s house in atlanta, georgia where i was supposed to stay with her for several weeks until her baby was born but i only lasted like three days and i had no idea how i was going to survive that week at the conference because i was already so homesick.   

  tracey would later go on to become one of my closest friends.

  and we still laugh about our first flight together. though i tell her i have no memory of carrying on that way!  i mean, over sharing with basically total strangers doesn’t sound like me at all!! ; )

  so, it’s kinda funny when you think the kid who couldn’t stand to leave home would move 800 miles away. and twice!

  the first time, as a newlywed, felt much different than the second.

  the first time it was about beginning a new life. an adventure…

  maybe i read too many janette oke books growing up. her canadian west series!
  and the idea of the rugged northern frontier and canadian mounties and wolves all held a wide eyed fascination.

  but in reality i was like every other normal girl that fell in love with a guy -
  and wherever he happened to be is what would become my home. location didn’t matter!!  
  though that was before i’d lived a winter here.

  the second time i moved here was much harder…

  instead of beginning a life, we were uprooting one we loved.
  and though i still felt a bit of that canadian adventure in me, i was far more concerned with how the “adventure” would effect the four tender souls entrusted to my care.

  but my reason for moving hadn’t changed. i loved this man and where he went i wanted to be.

  and though i can’t imagine not being married to him and doing life next to him it doesn’t take away from longing for others i love. i just long for and love him most!

  homesickness is a strange sort of feeling. it just kinda settles in right around your heart and never really leaves.
  and the silliest things can trigger the tears.
  like standing in the brand new opened panera line yesterday..
  a lady behind me mentions how glad she is to finally have panera in canada.
  saying how she and her husband eat at them all the time when they go to florida. 

  “they’re just all the way down 75 south..”

  i smile. and tell her i know.

  “75 south is what takes me home. i’m from cincinnati.”

  and then she slaps my arm and starts talking all excited about the times they have stopped there and what a pretty city it is. and i listen and feel tears, not because i’m sad. not really. but because we both share this mutual love for a place dear to my heart and yes, i miss it.

  but the thing is this. i can’t let my missing what once was cause me to miss what’s right in front of me!
  
  

  

  i really came face to face with this a few weeks ago when shayne started his first monday morning back in the land of the self employed.
  it was a change i knew was coming. we had talked about it for months. it was all in the works.
  the company he was with this past year had been great! and he’s still doing some subcontracting for them…
  but financially we needed other options. 
  and when some opportunities to be in business for himself again came up, shayne thought it was the best route.

  it’s weird though how you can know something’s coming.. and yet it still take you by surprise!
  like the drop on a roller coaster. you’re slowly going up.up.up. higher and higher. and you know what’s on the other side. you anticipate it. it’s why you’re on there to begin with. that thrill!
  but then. then there’s that pause at the top. that pause for a split second that’s just long enough for your life to flash before your eyes and suddenly you think this isn’t such a great idea after all!  you want off. you want out. and hey! those stairs that run alongside the tracks are there for a reason!! thing is, there’s that heavy metal bar across your chest holding you in. you’re already committed. there’s no backing out. so what do you do? the only thing you can – - shut your eyes hard. hold on tight. and scream at the top of your lungs as you plunge straight forward down towards the earth at eye watering speed!  

  i’d say we’re still in that “drop mode” around here. or maybe that’s just what it means to be self employed. ha!
  but the biggest adjustment for me wasn’t the switch from the norm. the security of an every two week paycheck. the loss of  benefits. or having a company truck or computer or perks… it was coming to terms with the realization we’d be staying here longer!

  i remember the first time it hit me. we were driving somewhere together, shayne and i. he was talking about things with the business and since i’m not really a very business minded kind of gal i just sat and smiled pretty and nodded my head. but then, he mentioned something about 6, 7, 8 years down the road and i felt like my brain went fuzzy. i think i was still smiling and nodding but i wasn’t hearing a word he said. after awhile he asked, “babe? you listening?”
  
  “huh?” i said snapping back to attention, “uh.. no. you kinda lost me at the 6, 7, 8 year thing…”

  this move here was never supposed to be long term. it was never the plan. 
  and though i said i “surrendered” my plans to God, suddenly surrender looked entirely different. 
  and that moment in the car was one of those moments on top of the roller coaster. that pause.
  hello! let me off this thing. this is not what i thought it was!!

  because yes. surrender rarely is what i think it is.

  giving in to something just because i know there’s no other option or way around it is not surrender.
  doing what i need to do to get by until i can get back to the plan i wanted is not surrender.
  even resolving to not be miserable but look for the joy and live in the moment, is not surrender either.

  surrender only looks one way. 
  arms out. hands open. self abandoned. holding onto nothing except Jesus.

  there’s been way too many times in my life where outwardly i had all the right appearances of surrender.
  good at looking the part. but inside – a heart full of resentment, even bitterness at what God was doing.

  i’m done with that. i want it to be real.
  i want what i’ve grown up my whole life saying i believe to truly be what i believe!

  it’s not easy. surrender never is. 
  oh, talking about it. singing the songs and quoting the verses is easy.  

  but when God says, “now live it.” and maybe living it means living it someplace 800 miles from family we love and friends we miss. a place that’s familiar and a country that’s ours. maybe living it means giving up how i thought life was supposed to go.. yeah, that’s the hard part. 

  yet i want peace in my life. i want a calm and assurance that isn’t rocked by any circumstance or trial. and i know there’s only way to that kind of peace – it’s not found in chasing the american dream or having a great job. it’s not living by family or having security stashed away in a bank account. it’s found only in the person of Jesus. only.
  
  
  
  

  

  but even as i write that.. even now. i know i’m not going to consistently live like i believe that.
  i’m going to forget what i write here. i’m going to get tired. i’m going to doubt. i’m going to think all this surrender stuff is for the birds!
  i’m going to stand up and want off this ride.

  but i also know this …

  no matter what, i’ll come back to the same conclusion. i always do.
  this isn’t unfamiliar territory to me. trusting an unknown future to an all wise God.
  He and i have traveled this way before together. many times now. 
  and same as before, i’ll struggle. i’ll want to give in. to give up…
   but He’ll love me just the same and let mercy draw me back.

  i’ve always liked that bible verse that talks about the Lord rejoicing over you with singing.
  but it wasn’t until recently the first half of it really stood out to me - 

  “The Lord your God in the midst of you is mighty.. He will save.”

  and it’s that word midst. in the middle. right in the thick of it.
  that’s what i loved. what i needed a visual of.

  He’s not on the outskirts. standing by. merely cheering us on. 
  He’s not an observer of our life. He’s a participant.
  not standing there hoping we make it through.
  but helping us through. walking us through. sometimes, yes, even carrying us through.

  He’s in the middle of our lives. He is mighty and He never stops saving us!
   
  “many are the plans in a person’s heart..
  but God’s purpose’s shall prevail.” prov. 19:21

  i don’t want to be here simply because i’m here, i want to be all here.
  maybe it’s not forever. maybe it’s for who knows how long. but it is for now.
  and i don’t want to live life waiting on the life i want and miss the life of TODAY!

  i might be screaming at the top of my lungs.
  and my knuckles might go white from holding on so tight.
  but i’m holding.

  

  

  

  “Your journey has molded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be.
  Don’t think you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now.
  And now is right on time.”
  

  amber.

  • 1:51 pm
  • 31 Comments