March 22, 2012

• {defining motherhood}

  Somewhere between about the third driveway down and the stop sign at the end of the road, I had the thought cross my mind that this wasn’t exactly how I pictured my morning going. 

  chasing a dog all over the neighborhood! 

  with my six year old instructing me from the end of our lawn,
  
  “i fink he went dat a way, mom!”

  and my eighteen month old crying after me from the front porch.
  
  Suddenly, I catch sight of the black blur {also known as our dog Winston} darting back and forth through every yard. I take off running, calling his name, instantly realizing my angry tone isn’t going to win him. so.. I begin, “awww.. here ya go, boy. good boy. come here nice little doggy…”
  
  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so phony in all my life.
  
  Simultaneously, as I yell back for Emma to go wait on the porch with Reese..
  I turn back around and continue attempting the sweetsy sweet luring of the dog.
  
  he stops and stars at me for a minute. head cocked to the side.
  
  I wonder if dogs smile, cause I’m sure he was…
  right before he bolted and ran again just as I got within reach!
  
  I took off after him through the yards, forgetting the sweet tone, and trying not to swear in public!
  
  after realizing I went further than what I meant, and that the real babies I needed to be caring for were home alone, I turned and sprinted back as fast as I could. dogless.

  {and that was alot of running for someone who can barely run to the mailbox}
  
  Winded and hot I collapsed into a heap on the front steps… noticing as I looked down, the sunless tanner I had used that morning, putting on right before the great chase broke out- well, obviously hadn’t had time to dry as it ran down my legs in sweaty streaks!
  
  {for the record girls, Sally Hansen’s, Airbrush Legs is awesome. not durable for long runs chasing dogs though, so you might want to take that into consideration}
  
  Once I caught my breath, I stood, picked up baby and asked Emma to please be quiet from her endless explanation, since I’d returned, on where Winston might be, and how we might possibly try building a cage to trap him in ..

  secretly, I hoped wherever he was, he’d just keep running. {run, Winston! run!!} 
  
  As we walked into the house, I thought –

  “I don’t ever remember chasing dogs as being part of my job description!!”
  
  You know, when you imagine all the things about motherhood. what you want and how it will be.. no. I really don’t recall anything in there about dogs!
  
  But as my morning continued, with reviewing vowel sounds that seem forever forgotten, and cleaning up nail polish baby girl found in big sister’s room, it suddenly struck me that there’s actually alot of things I hadn’t counted on in my job description as a mom.
  
  When I was young and played house with my barbies – BARBIE never looked stressed!
  
  And when I was engaged and dreamy and we talked of making a family.. OF COURSE my kids were the ones that always obeyed cheerfully, picked up after themselves {without being told}, gave all their allowance to help build orphanages in Bosnia. no wait. actually, they were the kids that were STARTING orphanages in Bosnia!!
  
  I can’t say bad attitudes or babies that take their diapers off and smear poop all over their beds was in the mix of what I had in mind!
  
  but as I’ve learned.. it’s much easier to define what something will look like before we actually live it!
  
  I’m not sure anyone can really prepare you for mothering, because no one has mothered your kids~ just as they’re each so their own, so unique, so we as moms are as well.
  
  There’s a vein of familiarity in mothering, a comradery and sense of community.
  but there’s also a definite individuality that comes with it too.

  YOU are the very mom your kids need!!

  no one else. and not how anyone else is doing it. sure we can learn and be inspired from one another, but even in that, we still make it to fit US.
  
  there’s going to be some things in your job description, I’m not going to have in mine. and that’s not bad. it’s meant to be that way. the differences… because it challenges us. builds our faith. to hopefully, ultimately listen to His voice above any other.
  
  Sometimes I think maybe that’s a big component to us getting overwhelmed and spazzing out –
  we’re trying to follow someone else’s definition of being a good mom, instead of finding our own from the Lord.
  
  Homeschooling felt alot that way for me.. trying to follow what others might define as good, even godly. what is best for their family. not that homeschool doesn’t rock. and I still waffle on any given day about doing it again with my kids.
  
  But, to realize, it’s also okay if I don’t.
  if Shayne and I don’t feel that’s what God’s given us.
  
  Even if that means others thinking at times you’re doing it all wrong.. all that matters is loving your kids like all get out, and listening to the voice of God on how best to do that!

  to me, that’s the truest definition of motherhood. the core inside all the countless everythings that fall under our “job descriptions.”
  
  And just as the seasons change, so will the seasons of mothering. as my kids grow. and as I grow too. for different seasons, there will be different descriptions.
  
  there’s going to be alot of beautiful, peaceful moments…
  but alot of crazy ones too. unexpected. maybe even painful.
  
  Times I’m going to wonder, “was this supposed to be part? I’ve got some serious doubts… ”

  But all of it. all. packed in and pressed together deep within my heart is what defines me as a mom. not what defines all moms. because every story is not the same. and God writes originals, He doesn’t photo copy. and through the pages of every life, His plan. His purpose. and what He’s writing in mine, in this chapter of mothering – all the crazy and all the wonderful. the tears and frustration. the quiet contentment and small joys – those are the things that make me the mom I need to be. to my kids.

  even when I feel I’ve totally blown it. even that, He uses.
  
  all of it is needed as I learn to better parent, and learn to better point them to the best Parent of all! 

  by pointing I don’t mean fingers. I mean by my life.
  
  and who knows, someday I might even be glad for the part that included chasing a curly haired, nutty dog one hot spring day.
  
  I can’t help but to smile, if even just a tiny bit, over it all.
  
  but please, don’t tell Winston!
  
  
  *****

  our day got better as we decided to head out to the beach.

  just impulsively grabbing my favorite blue quilt, throwing some doritos and oranges in a basket for lunch and going!

  
  
  
  I’m so glad we did.

  the weather was perfect.

  I thought we’d have the beach to ourselves. like maybe no one else had such a brilliant plan.
  apparently, there’s lots of brilliant people in the world! the place was packed.  

  people were actually even in their swimsuits, swimming!

  Folks, you’ve gotta understand, bikini’s in March are just unheard of around here.
  {i wish they were unheard of in every month, but that’s another subject}

  
  here you can see the snow, still on the mountains, at the ski resort across the lake!

  
  
  
  
  
  it was a glorious day.
  so much so I told Kate and Ben they could bail on school tomorrow and we’d go back!!!
  all of us. just like those old homeschooling days. see. I waffle.  
  
  
  

  
  Happy first Thursday of sPriNg, friends!

  ´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
  

  • 2:16 am
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