i'm now writing as i sit on a old brown leather couch. bought second hand from craigslist...
there's an ugly greenish outdoor/ indoor carpet on the floor. dandelions through the window, in the yard beyond.
no more grand views of mountains. or built in mahogany desks. there's no continental breakfast provided. unless i make it myself. no towels folded like ducks. or someone coming later to make the beds. there's no heated pool on the floor below. and check out time isn't at noon. actually.. around here. there is no check out time! ;)
yes. i'm back home. but ya know what.. there's no place i'd rather be.
grateful. on this monday. especially a monday after being with family and friends that my heart aches for far away.. when the big kids are back at school. shayne back at work. me, back to what i do here.. and i feel that little nagging inside to be homesick. to be a little down. a little sad. a little, "gee. this isn't the way i had pictured life going..."
instead. i'm choosing to look around and say, "gee. this isn't the way i pictured life going. but what a GOOD life it is!" my husband. my kids. my home. green indoor/outdoor carpet and all. the friends we've made here. the gorgeous sunshine outside. God's provision.
because true joy isn't determined by having the circumstances we want - but finding His hand in whatever circumstances we are. what happens to us isn't just about us... it's only a very small part of a much bigger story.
i'm writing now from a hotel in wheeling, west virginia~ set on the top of a hill, looking out over the mountains beyond. the window is open. and I can see the town below grow darker as more and more lights go out.
the room is a navy blue and seafoam sort of green. a cool kind of vibe and modern. there's a little blue chair in the corner with this funky square pattern on it. i admit i had the fleeting thought of wondering if it would fit in my trunk. actually, i already know it wouldn't. and i'm afraid strapping it to the roof would just be too obvious! ;)
so i guess i'll leave the little blue chair where it is. i'm sure future guests will thank me when they sit here, looking out over the little town below. the mountains beyond. and enjoy.
emma is long asleep in the bed in the other room. i can see her through the door. or, atleast the top of her head. the rest of her is buried beneath the thick comforter and mounds of pillows all around.
my mind can't let me rest just yet. and so here i am. to process. to record.
thinking of yesterday.
and the fact that i always cry at weddings. i just do.
i think even if i didn't know the people getting married at all.. and just happened to be passing by and look in the window and watch from the outside.. i would still cry!
to me. weddings seem the climax of every good emotion. the epitome of the deepest of feelings. when you join your life to another - till.death.do.you.part.
what could be more exhilarating and terrifying all mixed into one indescribable, glorious way!
i've never skydived before, but i imagine the emotions to be much like that. the, shut your eyes real tight. let out a loud scream. hold on for dear life. and just jump! the free fall that sends your heart to your throat - but the comfort of the parachute that opens to soften the landing.
i sat yesterday and listened.. listened as a girl i knew from when she was only interested in horses;) took that leap of faith with the love of her life~
i hear her words. her face. glowing. eyes locked in his. so full of promise. of hope. that tiny tremble of the unknown and yet, complete confidence their love will conquer the world.
i'm sure they feel no one has ever felt what they do. had what they had. and it's true. no one can. and no one does. it's theirs~ their love. unique. individual. special. tailored to only fit them.
and i listened. and watched. and wiped tears. floods of memories poured in. as if the haze of the chandeliers cast the figures in a fog and it was me standing there. shayne beside me. and i could hear my own words. from all those years ago. even feel my heart quicken at the rush of feeling. and i shut my eyes for a brief minute and whispered something to the Lord like,
"how i needed this reminder. help me remember more often..."
the love. the feeling. the emotions. the nervousness. the freshness. the way our eyes looked. our hands held. all that so filled me. so overwhelmed me. that made me willing to give all, to be all his.
i need to remember what i vowed.
i've forgotten so many times along the way. when self and flesh and questions of God clouded what i once promised.
but. though the tough times try our vows. they do not change them.
and it's in those times we need to cling to them most. "in the good that may lighten our days, and in the bad that may darken our way.."
to remember we once said, i will love you through it all.
i came all this way to watch a wedding. and it was beautiful and perfect. as all weddings are! but. i came away with a even more precious wedding on my mind - my own.
and as i left the reception early to meet up with some friends in the area, i passed the groom's car as i pulled out.. the big sign of just married across the back.
i stopped for a minute and looked at it. even pulled my camera out and took a picture. it made me smile. the sign. the cans tied on the bumper. that proud declaration to the world what you've done.
but as i drove away i couldn't help but think how those words weren't only for newlyweds. they are just married because they chose to be. and everyday we have that choice too. to be, just married.
committing daily to take the words we recited on a platform before hundreds and live them out in our lives before a simple audience of two. God. and our husband. because commitment is far more than wearing a fancy dress. lighting a candle and signing a piece of paper - commitment is a choice each and every day to be. to stay. just married. and not "just" as in a boring, same old kind of way. but just as in a fresh and alive and ever growing kind of way~
i want to be that kind of just married every day!
and though there's part of me that feels all silly and 8th grader-ish to say I have butterflies to think of seeing him day after tomorrow. that's okay. to feel silly and 8th grader-ish. it's how it should be. and I'm glad to feel that. those butterflies had flown away for a time, and to have them back... well, those of you that have them know what I mean. and those of you that don't.. yes. you know even more.
so tonight, far from home, I'm reminded once more.. as I have been many times throughout these 15 years- wherever that man of mine is - is my home! and i'm looking forward to being there again. "I do" are the two most famous last words The beginning of the end But to lose your life for another I've heard Is a good place to begin
'Cause the only way to find your life Is to lay your own life down And I believe it's an easy price For the life that we have found
I'm writing now from a hotel room in Washington, Pennsylvania. {and ya know, every time i write pennsylvania i have to google the spelling!} :)
but I'm sitting at this beautiful mahogany colored desk that's built into the wall. with a cool black and white shot of a clock tower overhead. there's a small spot light that shines down from the ceiling on the picture, and the light illuminates this whole corner.
I noticed the desk first thing when I walked into the room. thinking how I'd love to sit there, in that big black comfy looking leather chair.. writing out the thoughts my heart was full of. riding in the car does that to me. gives me time to think... and weaving through the hills of West Virginia today, staring out the window- how the thoughts piled up, and I felt needed sorted.
writing is my sorting out of thoughts. sometimes to merely record what I think. other times, to know, or better understand, what I think.
and speaking of riding in the car.. there is now a whole post I could write on just that. and with your parents! funny how you don't seem to notice your parents are getting older.. until times like, when you're traveling in the car with them. stopping at every rest stop. and eating at Bob Evans. :)
OR. when you're the one driving and suddenly sixteen again with both of them warning you a car is stopping.. or might be.. SEVERAL miles ahead!! ;)
how I love them.
but once we made it to the hotel {good thing i did drive or we'd still be on the road. ;) kidding!} Mom and I headed to Target across the way. while Dad took Emma to the pool. where. she couldn't wait to tell me when I got back.. "papaw dot in da pool in him clothes!!"
I guess he forgot his swimsuit. and she kept saying every few minutes.. "i wish you didn't fordet your fimsuit papaw." and so he suddenly just took off his polo shirt and shoes and socks and climbed in in his khaki pants and t shirt!
I've smiled all night, every time I think of it. what a memory for her. and what a way to not care what others think!
of course Emma has been bouncing off the sides of everything this entire trip from pure excitement. we didn't think this first hotel tonight had a pool. so when we walked in and saw they did - she was doing cartwheels down the hall!! {literally}
back in our room. just the two of us. I kept glancing over at this lovely little writing spot.. after awhile I turned the Disney channel on for her and came and sat down. but she kept jabbering away to me. asking how to spell this and that as she tried playing hangman alone.
I sighed several times at her questions. and felt myself grow irritated at the interruptions from the "inspiration" I was trying to write! ;) and then. somewhere. in the middle of one of those "inspirational" {full of fluff} thoughts it struck me. why was I sitting here trying to write about life. when I could be LIVING IT!
here was my girl. right there. asking for my time. wanting to be with me. wanting me to share in her excitement. to share her beef jerky! to play a game of hangman with her... and I "couldn't" because I was blogging?
I felt that tug in my heart. that tug of doing the right thing vs. doing the thing you want. I hesitated. drumming my fingers on the keyboard. then. and a bit reluctantly, reached up and pulled my laptop shut. going over and laying next to her on the bed.
I haven't always made that kind of choice.
times when through the years of blogging I've chosen this space over quality time with my kids. times I've shushed them away to finish a thought.. that probably had something to do with wanting to be a better mom. ;) times I've wanted to read what my friends are sharing.. status updates. where they went on vacation and what they ate for breakfast.. instead of stopping to listen to my own kids! even my husband.
and though I'm sure there will be those times again in the future. times of getting it wrong. of holding to what I want over what I know I should do. how I want to, hope to, remember this. times like tonight. to not miss out on the life right around me.. while I sit blogging about it. or reading about it. or pinning about it. or tweeting about it. or just thinking about it. instead of actually being about it. right in the middle of it. anybody get that with me?
of course, I will always love this space. love writing. love sharing and talking and being able to peek in on my friends. but those things will always be here. my kids? they won't. atleast, not in this way.
she won't be six forever. things like hotels with "credit cards that open the door!" won't always excite her. and getting to eat beef jerky at 11 o clock at night while snuggling in bed.. watching Phineas and Ferb, won't always make her giggle.
she won't always want to share with me her every little thought. or ask me to play a game of hangman..
so. while she needs me. while she wants me. I want to be there. fully engaged in these moments! which means, sometimes.. sometimes being willing to set aside what I want to do until later, so that I can pay attention to now!
Many people have said to me, "What a pity you had such a big family to raise. Think of the novels and the short stories and the poems you never had the time to write because of that." And I looked at my children and I said, "These are my poems. These are my short stories." - Olga Masters
what matters most are the words we live. not the ones we write!
I'm writing this from the corner of my mom's brown sofa in their family room. The windows are open and I can hear the distant rumble of thunder. The cars going by let me know the roads are still wet from the earlier rain. I'm so glad I can make it here in one day. even if it is a long day!
This trip down is just Emma and I. {i think i must have answered a gazillion and one, "are we there yet's"} ;) It was a bit of a last minute thing - as it seems most of our trips down are. A friend of mine is getting married this weekend in Pennsylvania. my parents are driving over and Emma and I thought we'd swing down this way, and ride with them! Slightly out of the way, yes. but sometimes a little drive out of the way is worth it!
I knew I couldn't make the trip alone with both the little girls.. but with Shayne working, I wasn't sure who would watch baby girl. I really hate asking anyone to watch my kids... I seriously almost stayed home because it felt that hard to ask. not because of who I was asking. it's just totally my thing I get tripped up on. asking for help!
But with each call I made to my girlfriends, I felt myself relaxing more at not only their reassurance.. but their quickness to say, "sure.. we'd love to!"
What's that about it taking a village? {I love my village}
so this morning on our way out, I dropped her off at Jenn's. tomorrow it's Steph. Thursday, Cathy. and Friday, Deb. {I hear Jenn fed her prunes. early apologies to the rest of you girls!!} ;)
When I was first becoming friends with some of these women I would hesitate to accept their invitations to coffee, or lunch.. "I have the baby!" thinking that when they got together, all their kids older and in school, I was sure they wanted quiet mommy time. not someone there with a squalling baby. But their gracious welcome to not only me.. but baby too.. has once again shown me the importance of women helping women. rallying around at all seasons of life and supporting and encouraging one another. So often when I walk in, there's two or three hands grabbing for her. they hold her. feed her. entertain her. so I'm the one who ends up with that "quiet mommy time." :)
it touches my heart in such a tender way when I see people loving on my kids. and since they've loved on Reese way before now, I know she'll be as comfortable as anything with each! she'll just think she's out for coffee with the girls every day this week !! ;)
When I dropped her off at Jenn's this morning I was trying to sneak out. I was afraid she'd cry. but. not a drop! now mama on the other hand. not real tears. but all gulpy to leave her.~ we're pretty tight her and I. ;) She's my little shadow {constantly} and I feel something missing not having her close. I was telling her again yesterday, while cutting her hotdog into little pieces, the story of when she was in my belly.. "and the doctors told me you were dead. but you weren't. you were right there! Jesus put you there. and kept you there... and now you're our reese!"
and she always listens the same way.. head cocked to the side as if really interested. then. at the end she'll lift my shirt to look at my belly, since she heard the word belly in there. I'm not sure she understands a thing of what I'm saying - except the belly part. and at the end. when I'm done with my "reese story" she'll draw her shoulders up. put her hand over her mouth.. and let out this shy little laugh of sorts like she does.
I think that story makes her happy! :)
I know I've talked of it lots on here since it happened. since she was born. I probably sound like a broken record. but it's one I like playing over! I think everything I write here is pretty much a broken record. ;) it seems my life is a continual process of learning the same lessons over and over.
but whenever I doubt His faithfulness I see that golden blonde head and I nod inside at the reminder of that lesson. I feel that reminder in all my kids. but with her it was so loud. so clear to me - God is still on His throne. and He cares. He knows.
That's something I can't get out of my head these past weeks.. since Easter actually. the celebration of a RISEN Saviour needs to take place in our hearts every day. it's not just for a once a year Sunday when we dress up in fancy clothes and clap and praise and get all excited... it's for a life of praise that no matter where we are. or what we happen to look like. our hearts can worship. we have hope! because our God is Alive!!
A friend of mine recently found out she has cancer. yesterday she had surgery. I went on her facebook wall to just jot a little, thinking of you. but as I began typing these words flooded to mind - -
"Because He lives. I can face tomorrow. Because He lives. all fear is gone...
and that. says it so perfectly!
I don't know where you are today.what you're facing. cancer. surgery. an empty womb. empty bank account. loneliness. hurt. rejection.
but I know where He is! and because of that we can make it through.
{my favorite song right now}
**
the other night after dinner, shayne and I sat at the table talking while Reese was playing nearby. I suddenly noticed her shadow on the corner of the cabinet and picked my camera up that wasn't far away...
Shayne pointed it out to her and it was so funny as she stood there watching it. then. peeking around the corner at it.. like she was playing peekaboo.
did I say I miss that girl!
**
we had alot of fun as a family reading through your captions for our spider turned wide mouth frog creation in the last post.~ I literally think I chuckled at every single one. I went through after dinner, and read them out loud to the family. problem was - no one could agree on just one! Ben liked the one about the spider's eyes being blood shot. Kate liked the one about it's eyes being too far apart. I liked the one about it being a no brainer. {homeschool project for sure!} and Shayne liked the lady with the spray can {that's so me!}
in the end. I let Emma make the final choice. since, after all, it was her spider! she picked this one~
and said she liked it because it had her name in it!! :)
congrats Becky. message me your address and I'll get the gift card of your choice in the mail to ya!
**
time to head to bed. I don't think my bum can take sitting one.more.second. ;)
yesterday, in Emma's science we were studying entomology.
yes. I didn't know what that was either. until yesterday.
it's the study of insects. and of course, entomology just sounds way more professional than sayin plain old, we're looking at bugs!
at the end of the lesson it suggested you make your own insect from materials you could find around your house. emma wanted a spider.
so. I got the brilliant idea of using a toilet paper roll for the body. and then, what better to make perfect bugged out eyes with than. marshmallows!
from the picture in her book she said we needed "fangs." and after a little searching I decided chocolate chips would do. haven't you always thought that when you saw a chocolate chip.. "gee. that looks like a fang!" ;)
then. emma took all our body parts and glued them together. and here it is~ our toilet paper, marshmallow eyed, chocolate chip fanged spider. oh. and legs cut from paint sample strips!
when we saw our finished product we both laughed till our sides hurt.
I thought it might look better if it weren't stuffed with the tissue paper...
uh. it didn't!!! ;)
{for the giveaway:: caption this shot}
it just goes to prove two things. 1st grade science projects really aren't as easy as they sound. and. sometimes messing up the 1st grade science project makes for a better memory than getting it right!
**** the giveaway:: a 10$ giftcard to starbucks or bath and body works~ awarded to the person who comes up with the best caption for the unstuffed spider shot above! :)
giveaway will run through monday. we'll vote on it as a family and announce the winner tuesday~
remember, the majority of those voting are under the age of 14 so nothing is too silly! ;)
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