the other night i couldn't sleep. i just felt a heavy heart over several things.
from somewhere way back it's like the ending of this message i had first heard years ago in the hills of tennesse came to mind... so i got up and went to google it. i didn't want to watch the entire thing, only the end. and i found it!
the words were exactly what i needed to hear. and i thought i'd share because, maybe i'm not the only one.
"we will never not be carried by the strong hand of a universe making God and He will bring us through..."
sitting here in the living room enjoying a little quiet as reese naps. windows are open, curtains blowing up in the breeze. love when they do that and i grabbed my camera to take some pictures. there's just something so magical about the wind~
i'm sipping on a coffee that's loaded with vanilla creamer.. which is about the only way i drink coffee, all nice and khaki colored. i'm sure all the real coffee drinkers out there are just shaking their head at me! sorry guys.
this week has seemed to equal two. i think i've thought it was friday since tuesday.
tuesday night at youth i kept asking people how their week had been, as if it was already over. they'd look at me a little confused and i didn't even catch on till someone said, "well, it's barely just started..."
oh. really?
i've had this nasty flu/ cold thing that's been going around, so that might explain thee {extra} fogginess. ;) and i just saw i wrote thee instead of the, so apparently it makes ye talk with an irish accent too!
i hate colds. anytime really, but especially when the weather is warm. it feels like such a rip off. i don't want to be inside blowing my nose. i want to be out. or atleast up and about and doing what i need to. .. with yes, the curtains blowing up wildly in the breeze through the window!
but no matter how i pushed myself this week everything seemed to move in slow motion. and by everything, i mean e v e r y t h i n g !
i was positive at one point i really had been cleaning the little size two fingerprints off the patio doors for atleast six hours.. only to realize it's just the same thing i do every day. same spot. same routine. same little hands.
i found myself kinda chuckling at one point.. thinking of how everyone tells mom's with little ones that someday they'll miss these days of messes to clean up. sitting in a house with everything clean and pristine and not a thing to do {sounds rather inviting, eh?} :) but i thought at this rate.. by the time i get to that someday of missing these days i won't be able to see out a window at all! i'll be too old and probably half blind so it won't matter in the least if they're clean or dirty!!
but for right now, when you're still so much in the middle of it all that someday can seem like forever away, can't it?
i look at my older two and you'd think i should know. i mean, i do. in those moments of quiet reflection all by myself i realize it.
then all four descend on me and so many needs and things to do and places to be and i feel pulled in a thousand directions and yeah, i forget what i was just remembering maybe seconds before.
selfishness is funny that way- it never really reveals itself until something's knocking into the territory of what we want or expect. i can be the most selfless, serving mom in the world when i'm all alone- haha! but add the kids and a little everyday tiredness and craziness and it shows in a hurry what's in my heart. and i can tell you right now - it's not always pretty!
it doesn't matter what i think i am it's how i react when life gets stressful that reveals what i really am!
last night was one of those nights when i felt the ugly creeping out. it was all going along fine.. and then, bam!
suddenly everyone's texting and asking and running in and out and the door is slamming and kate needed picked up from soccer like 20 minutes ago because her dad, that had planned to get her ended up working later than he thought. and ben is begging me to take him to the skatepark with his friends because heaven forbid they'd just skateboard down the road like normal people. no. you see on the street there isn't any stairs to gap or rails to shred. {aren't you impressed with my skater talk?} and sweet emma just wanted to go to the book fair at her school that of course, was right during when kate needed picked up and ben wanted dropped off. and reese was in the fridge eating every slice of american cheese. through the wrapper!! and the left side of my upper cheek beneath my eye felt ready to explode right out my face and i really just wanted to go to my room and sleep, for like a week! actually.. i really wanted to board a jet plane to someplace tropical and remote... where i was untraceable. untextable. uncallable. unwhinable. unmomable. ;))
and even more so when i finally dropped ben off later and he said i had to come sign some papers.
"um.. you didn't say anything about me having to get out of the van, bud!"
"but they won't let me skate if you don't."
"do you see what i'm wearing? this isn't public safety approved!"
and he just stared at me blankly cause he's a guy and of course, doesn't get it.
"please, mom."
i stared back. then, sniffed my runny nose hard, that at this point i so desperately needed to blow {but not a napkin to be found in the entire van}. i shook my head and let out a long sigh. turning the van off and climbing out, tugging at my clothes as i did...
i was wearing leggings with a shirt that didn't quite cover my bum. and yes! i know, i know {liz!!!} that leggings are not pants! i hate it too when girls wear them like they are. but i hate even more when almost 40 something year old's that don't have rear ends that look anything like that of the younger girls wearing them wear them!
i tried the best i could to keep my back to the wall. i'm pretty sure the people there are still puzzled at the strange mom that creeping along the wall like some burglar as she came in and out. oh my word!
back in the van i lowered my mirror and looked at my cheese faced two year old.
"you kids have no idea all i do for you."
to which she only responded, "we det ice tream now?"
finally. when everyone was back home and safely deposited in their beds and i'd had a chance to blow my nose and change my leggings and was once again the selfless mom, all alone! ;) i thought back over my attitude to my kids that night... this whole, "you've no idea all i do for you." and i realized how when i hold on to that perspective it just causes me to plummet instantly and feel only frustration and disappointment in my kids because they're not giving back something i'm expecting. which, when i don't let it go can so quickly lead to resentment. even bitterness. not that i would say i'm "expecting" anything. but that's the thing. i don't have to SAY it. my responses are dead giveaways to where my motives are coming from - a heart that is being tender and teachable or a heart that is anchored in self pity and pride over all i've given up and do for my kids, even my husband {because i can have the same attitudes towards him}.
and when i have these times of processing, it's easy for me to get the part that selfishness and genuine love cannot live together in the same heart. one always suffocates out the other~ all i have to do is look no further than my own life for plenty of examples of that! but, sometimes i still try to combine the two. thinking i can love through my selfishness and own efforts, which becomes alot like trying to squeeze into last summer's shorts after the winter's extra pounds.. there's no way except by force. and who wants a forced, phony love?
"Remember, it is not your weakness that will get in the way of God's working through you, but your delusions of strength. His strength is made perfect in our weakness! Point to His strength by being willing to admit your weakness." paul tripp
delusions of strength. how that part jumped out at me!
so my conclusion is always, " then how, Lord?" how do i mother these kids with Your strength? with a love that is for them and not me. not rooted in selfishness. how do i have a sincere servant's heart.. how do i get to that place? because it's certainly not just naturally there!
and i'm not really sure the answer exactly. like 30 days to becoming a better mother kind of formula. i wish it only took 30 days. but it takes a lifetime. and i think that's supposed to be the point - always learning. growing. realizing our need for something beyond ourselves. for Someone! and i'm grateful He never gives up on me and continues to show me every day what i lack and ways to do better.
and then, this... just a prayer that i pray often. simply, "God remind me."
when the chocolate milk spills and is running all over the table like a fountain onto the floor - remind me. when toddlers have climbed in the fridge and are eating through cheese wrappers- remind me. when teens have attitudes and i feel anything but a soft answer wanting to come out - remind me. when i clean the fingerprints off the window for the one thousand eleventh time - remind me. when i'm tired and sick and want to leave on a jet plane... when everyone needs to be somewhere and all i'm supposed to be, i can't....
in all these moments. and the hundred in between. remind me.
that it's not about getting something. but showing something. not in what i say but what i live. a gospel that's found in more than just pages of their Bibles. a grace that never runs out. a mercy that flows down like that chocolate milk across the table - everywhere! and a Savior that sees this tired mama that might not always get it right, but redeems the parts she doesn't.
He doesn't just cover part of us. He covers it all!
{because maybe our house isn't the only one that's had some storms lately}
it was over a party and whether or not she should go. after all, it was a school night. it didn't start out a big deal. but suddenly, like most arguments when emotions and self escalate, they spiral. and before you even know what's happened it's all turned huge. and somewhere in there shayne and i are now at odds. and what it even started as no one can even remember and the entire house is torn apart, just like that. because especially when mom and dad are torn apart it trickles right down through to every last one. and i hear the 2 year old expressing what all the rest of us only wish we could.. standing there at the bottom of the stairs just screaming at the top of her lungs for her way! we think we're so mature to not show our selfishness so blatantly. and yet. are we? our silence. our walking away unresolved.. is it really any different. it screams the same, "i want what i want!"
and i stand in our bedroom, looking out through the thin white curtain, the rain falling steadily down.. so fitting it seems. i wish i could feel that same down my cheeks but, i'm just too exhausted to cry. have you ever felt that before? this huge need to cry, but not the energy to do it? parenting can do that to you. that soul exhaustion that leaves you feeling you can't even muster the strength to express what it is you really even feel. and all i can do is stand and let out a long sigh. and in that sigh, a prayer. it's only something like, "God, help us..." and as my shoulders start to slump i hear this thought back - it's not as big as all this!it doesn't have to be. turn round. make it right with your husband. go make it right with your daughter. it's not worth it!
sometimes, yes. being the parent means just that, you have to be the parent. you must set rules, lay boundaries, and maybe for no reason you can give at all have to say, no. you won't win the popular vote. they'll say you don't understand. that's okay. sometimes a temporary wall ends up making a perfect bridge when it finally falls. but then.. then there are other times. times to just. let. it. go.lay it down.
and i turn. and his figure in the bathroom door, hair standing straight up on end. i tried not to smile. i still wanting to hold on to my mad a bit more. but.. the corners of my mouth broke. "have you looked in the mirror?" i asked. he leaned back. glancing in. a smile played on his own lips. "and..?" "well, you are obviously the total crazy one of this family. you even look the part!"
he stuck his tongue out.
"go get your daughter and drive her to that party."
"but i thought...."
then i stopped because i knew.. God had been whispering the same to him as He had me.
i went down the hall to kate's room... suddenly feeling so free about it all. like a burden lifting with each foot step closer to her door. closer to making things right. walking in i squatted down eye level a few feet away from where she sat on the floor.
"let's go, babe."
the funny thing when i look back. she didn't seem a bit confused. apparently God was working in all our hearts the same way. He does that, ya know... without any help from us, work in individual hearts the same as He's doing in ours.
there's times it seems nothing can be fully resolved until we completely hash it through. argue points. go round and round. sometimes that's what's needed. sometimes nothing short of a national peace treaty will do. but then there are other times. as i'm learning. that being a good parent isn't only about holding your ground it's knowing when not to as well. and why is it we always think it's the child that needs their will yielded when ours is just as strong and actually might be the problem even more.
man! if i've learned {the hard way} anything about parenting teenagers so far it's that humility and taking care of my own heart speaks far louder to them than what we think might be the best sounding lecture in the world! i have been stopped dead in my tracks time and time again when the words coming out of my mouth are words i know i'm not living. my kids see right through that as clear as anything~ that's why i think parenting is so hard. not because of our kids, but because of ourselves!
a short while later we all stood in the kitchen. the heavy cloud lifted. even the 2 year old happy again! as i was about to leave with the older two, shayne staying back with the younger two, the rain still gently falling, but then.. the sun suddenly came from what seemed like nowhere and cast this gorgeous glow all across the yard.
as we were pulled out of the driveway, kate pointed. "look!" and there, at the end of the road one of the brightest, most vibrant rainbows i've ever seen!
as i drove we could see it closer. i turned onto a road from the one we were supposed to be on. "let's go chase a rainbow for a minute..." and we set out. driving along that country dirt road. windows down. the cool evening breeze blowing in.
"it's pretty crazy when you think about it, mom.." kate said beside me. "when we were fighting it was raining and dark. but then when we cleared things up at home, it cleared up outside too. and now.. a rainbow like that! i just think that's pretty cool!"
and those tears i felt earlier but too tired to cry, snuck to the corners of my eyes and i blinked hard. i had had that same thought.. the darkness. the heaviness. the storms that come and shake the very foundation of our homes. of our lives. and yet.. this. the storms do not last forever. there is an end. and we don't always see it during. when clouds hover and rain relentless. when the wind beats down and us bent right over. but there is Light! there is the promise of hope... and sometimes, yes. written out across the sky like that for us to see in full neon color so we won't doubt it. that He is with us. on our side. He wants us to succeed. for our home to be one of harmony. of peace. of unity. He wants families to be strong. to fight together. He fights with us for that!
and just as there's a certain calm that only comes after the storm. that freshness in the air. so it seems with the storms of life. though hard to go through. God uses them to wash away what shouldn't be there. to cause us to see more clearly. and it's only after a storm that we fully appreciate the beauty of His promises. ~
this past month, like never before in my life i have felt the storm clouds gathering. something so much bigger. stronger. seeking to destroy our family. and i have a feeling the hutchins home isn't the only one feeling that intensity. there's a fight going on that's way more than just between spouses or our children - but the enemy of our souls is fighting like all get out to blow our lives wide apart! and.he.never.stops. never let's up!
and.. wow! how i've felt a weariness in the battle lately. i've wondered, will we make it through? i've lost sight and stood drenched in the rain looking up, "God?" but this week. and even not so many hours ago i'm feeling a renewed burst of promise, just like i saw across the sky. there is HOPE. there is healing.. there is a Redeemer!
and driving down that country road last night it was really more than a rainbow i was chasing. it was more like a declaration - that i'm not going to stop. i'm running to The Calmer Of The Storms The Keeper Of His Promises. i'm fighting on! satan is NOT having this family! and though we have felt near torn apart we're not letting go. we're holding together..
not because we're that strong or that spiritual, have that great of marriage or are some stellar parents. but for one reason only - we hold together because we are held by Him. "I can't tell you how many times I have expected to hit the bottom only to find myself suspended in mid-air, secured by a pair of nail pierced hands."
and i feel like a broken record. writing the same thing all the time. but i write to remember. to rehearse what i believe. to declare His faithfulness. and offer out a squeeze to hands across the screen, you are not alone. we have a God that's big enough! no matter what it is we're facing.
"He has delivered us.. and he will deliver us... on Himwe have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us still." 2cor 1:10
His deliverance. past. present. future. love that!
p.s. and on a totally unrelated but happy little note.. just opened my camera bag and found 20 bucks in the pocket! looks like lunch out for reesey and i! :))
{there's a church pew far away that's growing smaller}
i woke with the sun on my face long before i opened my eyes and my thoughts went almost instantly to mom - today's her birthday. the ache of missing her pressed down a bit harder as the warmth poured through the window.
i started thinking of a conversation with her the other day where we were laughing about memories of us kids growing up.. stories from us at church. after awhile the laughter died down and mom said quietly, "that pew at church just seems to keep getting smaller and smaller... "
dad has been the pastor there some 37 years now, i guess it is. mom was 26 when he started. i was 3. i'm sure she'd say her kids weren't the only ones that grew up there.
we always sat in the second row. right underneath the pulpit. mom sat directly in the middle. her legs crossed at the ankle. hands folded in her lap, usually holding a kleenex {she's a crier}. :)
i can still see that look on her face as she looked up at dad. it's the look she has still.
then. down each side of her us kids all lined up. as we got married. our spouses joined. then our own kids as well. our pew got fuller. more crowded.
we'd cram in week after week, telling the one next to us to move down.. until it came to the point where there was no where else for the next one to move to!
sometimes we'd climb back and forth over mom. getting from one side to the next. or chasing a runaway toddler {ben}! and yet there mom would sit, week after week, exact same spot. never moving. i can still see myself leaning forward and looking down the row. yes, there she is. same as always.
as i write this out i feel the tears brimming. in many ways it's the perfect picture of mom's life - her consistency and faithfulness to the Lord. to my dad. to our family.
these past few years have been some of the toughest- things with church. her health declining {she has ms for those who don't know}. her kids moving on. moving away... and i know her heart has broken a little with each change. felt itself running out in all directions. and yet. in it all. every hardship. every trial. every move her legs cannot make. every church member that's gone. every space left vacant around her in that pew. with every filling and emptying of dreams and plans, she has clung to the One who never changes and He has been her strength through every single step. even in those times she felt she couldn't do even that, take another step. especially in those times. she's only tightened her grip more. grace has held her!
and though i've seen the tears. we've cried them together. questioned together... yes, why does it seem that suffering is part of God's plan? and again and again she's reminded me, "if we don't believe He knows best then what else is there?" there's no other way of finding rest except by trusting He is fully in control.
she used to have this little piece of paper as a bookmark in her Bible, with these words she'd written across it - "there is nothing, no problem or circumstance more powerful than God. absolutely nothing."
and i know those were more than mere words to her.. it was a life that had lived it. found it to be true.
i often think of the night shayne and i told mom and dad we were moving here. sitting in their backyard around the campfire. mom was crying, but this is what she said -
"you know.. i would rather you be on the other side of the world and in God's will, than right next door and not.."
and she has taught me that it's okay to cry. it's okay to question, to not always understand God's ways, what He's doing. but at the end of it all our conclusion must be to open our hands wide, letting it all go.. extended to Him in full surrender.
what a way to live - with arms high and heart abandoned. probably the most beautiful position we can take. and come to think of it, mom's the most beautiful person i know!
i have often wondered what makes parents and kids become friends. what makes that grown child still want to come home?
maybe the answer is different for us all but for me it has been that place of knowing i am accepted for the person i am and not based on the performance i give. those seem to be the homes that produce best friends for life and kids that want to come back.
i'm so grateful that i have that.
and though that church pew far away grows smaller. all the hearts that have sat there through the years only grow more aware of the treasure we have in that woman who still sits there, right in the middle.
happy birthday dear sweet mom! love you forever and ever.
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