Month: March 2013

  • {toss salad}

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    i watched this documentary last week called, “Healthy for Change.”
    it’ll make you never want to eat mcdonald’s again.
    atleast for three or four days.

    afterwards i was feeling desperate for something healthy. anything.
    i could see my arteries clogging by the second!  
    so i headed to the fridge to find whatever i could that looked semi nutritious..
    when you’ve been gone for over a week and not to the grocery store in like two though, pickins are slim.

    but i basically emptied the crisper drawer..
    took the wilted lettuce and few shriveled veggies that could be salvaged chopped em up. threw them in a bowl. and there was my tossed salad!

    i think this post might feel like that. a bit chopped and tossed together~

    ****

    two weeks ago the kids had their march break and we headed south to my parents.
    it was one of those weeks where i had one set of expectations and everything the total opposite seemed to happen.
    not like just rain and snow. but hard stuff. relationship stuff.
    the kind of stuff none of us like dealing with, but have to. need to.

    on our last day the sun broke and we headed out for a local park with a few of my brothers.
    we ended up doing a little hike around a trail in the woods…
    even though i totally wasn’t wearing hiking type of shoes. 
    as i walked, and knew of the blisters i’d be feeling tomorrow -
    it struck me how often it’s in pain we see some of the greatest beauty.

    if i hadn’t went on that path i would have missed out..
    and my week had been just the same!
    though no fun at the time, it was those things unplanned and unprepared that carried the greatest treasure..
    hearts melded closer together. truth clung to. the resolve greater. the Lord nearer.

    when we were home and someone asked how the week was, after a few seconds of, “ummm…”
    i finally answered, “it was very full.”

    “well, that’s good,” they nodded.

    and i smiled because i knew they didn’t have a clue what kind of full i actually meant.
    that really, only God and i would ever know all my heart held from that week.
    a week i thought had gone all wrong, and yet here.. somehow, it was exactly what i needed.

    He works {all} things together.

    “It seems it was good for me to go through those troubles.
    Throughout them all you held tight to my lifeline.
    You never let me tumble over the edge into nothing.
     But my sins you let go of, threw them over your shoulder—GOOD RIDDANCE!
    The dead don’t thank you, and choirs don’t sing praises from the morgue.
    Those buried six feet under don’t witness to your faithful ways.
    It’s the living—live men, live women—who thank you, just as I’m doing right now.
    God saves and will save me. As fiddles and mandolins strike up the tunes,
    We’ll sing, oh we’ll sing, sing, for the rest of our lives in the Sanctuary of God.”
    [Isaiah 38:16-20 The Message]

    PicMonkey Collage spring reese

    ****

    you know. the thing when you walk through hard stuff is it kinda knocks the wind out of your sails for awhile ~
    which isn’t always a bad thing. to be windless. still. to get quiet and tuck away for a time.
    i love writing for a processing of thoughts. but there are at times thoughts too deep to put into words..
    it’s like i have to just sit with them. letting God put them in order in my heart, me not trying to work them through or come to a conclusion.
    as shayne reminded me today, “we can’t explain everything. ”
    we want to. we want to understand and know the why and wrap it all up in a neat little box with a bow on top.
    but i’m convinced more and more God’s all about taking our neat little boxes..
    that we think we have all figured out and put together and blowing them wide open.
    proving again, we don’t get to decide who God is.
    in our human eyes we won’t always get it.
    but it’s not for us to”get it,” but learning what it means to to lay it down.
    resting in His Wise Love that knows exactly what He’s doing. blown apart pieces and all!  
    and if it’s about being transformed to His image -
    there’s no better way than wrapping myself to His side and holding on for dear life~

    “We please God most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections and believing that He understands everything – and loves us still.”

    ****

    we live in a culture where it seems more than ever to be fixated on perfectionism.
    it’s in every commercial, magazine cover, movie.
    every joke made about the melissa mccarthy’s of our world! 
    it’s in books and the racks of our department stores. in the latest fad diets.
    even in the pulpits of our churches. and sadly, the spirit in many of our christian circles.
    that unspoken list of “rules” that this is what you have to do to be accepted.
    this is the standard by which you measure your self worth. 

    social media has added to the list even more as we sit scrolling through the calculated glimpses people allow us to have into their lives, convincing us everyone is happy happy happy all the time as they instagram their sunny walks and status update us on how great their love life is and hashtag every adjective in the english language and tweet every mile they’ve run and pinterest all the creative anything that’s ever been thought of and blog from picture perfect homes with kids that never seem to have runny noses or stains on their shirts. but… i just want to stand up on a chair and say loud and clear – it’s okay to not always be okay!

    it’s more than okay. we need people like you! to remind the rest of us it’s okay too.

    nothing wrong with sunny walks and great love lives. of having fun and running miles.
    what would we do without pinterest and who really wants to look at runny noses anyway?
    but as we see ourselves and women around us burdened down with a burden they don’t have to bear –
    we need to take hold of truth and pass it on to those around us.
    superwoman is not real!! ;)
    there’s no such thing as a perfect mom or wife or friend or homemaker.
    there’s no marriage that hasn’t known conflict and no family that has it all together. 
    we all live the same way – one grace paved step at a time!
    we don’t have to be more. do more. look more.

    with all our flaws and shortcomings and weakness’ God can and does still use us.
     
    let’s rally the sisterhood and take a moment to whisper over to those standing near us, “you are enough!”
    when our identity is found in Christ we’re more than enough because our significance isn’t coming from our toned bodies or awesome marriages or perfect looking homes – our significance is coming from Christ and He holds all we need.

    “the richness of the fullness of Christ.”

    but even though we know it we lose sight of it. we’re going to forget. and, if you’re like me, far too quickly.
    and so let’s offer each other the room to grow. the grace to be.
    sometimes what points someone back to God isn’t preaching at them a truth, but living it out!
    maybe just sitting down next to them and with a squeeze of the hand reassuring them, yeah.. it’s okay to not always be okay. 

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    ****

    a friend said to me recently and it’s been hanging in my heart ever since –
    just because bad things happen doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
    it can also mean you’re doing something exactly RIGHT!

    satan is out to destroy us any way, face, form, shape he can.
    let’s not lose sight of who the real enemy is. certainly not one another!

    ****

    seems there was more i had to share about march break and last week and oh, the stomach flu that’s come back to haunt us..
    but that’s all the salad i can toss together for now. {no connection intended between flu and toss} ;) )

    here’s some pics instead that will tell some of the stories of the last few weeks for me~

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    march~ 264marchness 935
    3.2013 201marchness~ 605
    3.2013 1853.2013 330
    3.2013 1083.2013 317
    3.2013 053marchness~ 539

    march~ 023
    march 109

    marchness~ 185march~ 0273.2013 077
    3.2013 0643.2013 1243.2013 311
    3.2013 3323.2013 0793.2013 098
    3.2013 1993.2013 2093.2013 315

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    3.2013 401bw
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    marchness~ 359
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    3.2013 450

    ****

    here’s the song i’m loving right now.

     

    “You, O Lord have made a way..
    the great divide you healed.
    For when our hearts were far away –
    Your love went further still.

    Yes, your love goes further still.”

  • {underneath it all}

    sitting here in my bedroom, window open…
    just came back from a brisk walk where i actually got hot!!
    and here only weeks ago, i had my doubts i’d ever be warm again! ;)

    i can hear the birds outside. a sound i haven’t heard in awhile and love.
    kate just came into the room and i told her to listen too.

    she said, “ah, that’s so nice.” and there we sat. us both. just listening.
    the corners of my mouth turning up at the silly joy of it all.

    reminded like i am this time every year and yet still always surprised…
    that no matter how bleak.
    how buried.
    how impossible things might look.

    we are never without hope.
    ever!

    we might grow weary. and it might be hard.
    maybe we can’t see any signs of hope. feel it. but it doesn’t change that it’s there.
    underneath it all there is beauty. there is LIFE!! 

    winter isn’t completely behind us here north.
    there will be snowfalls still that will cause me to sigh. to doubt.
    but i know {because i’ve been in this place before} it doesn’t last forever.  
    there is this turning of seasons.
    and this cold part. dead part. the part i like least..
    all a necessary part for growth to come.

    because yes, He makes all things new!

    in me. in you. in us all who are His. because He loves us.
    because He never stops showing up.
    changing us. shaping us. deepening us. drawing us.
     
    there’s fresh mercy knocking. can you hear it?

    this place, what it looks like now… 
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    is also this place. what it will look like again.
    junebreeze

    so.. celebrating today not spring completely here, but the knowing that it’s coming!

    edit: verses i read in the next few days after writing this… {perfect}

    “see, I am doing a new thing! now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
    I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” isa. 43: 19

    “we wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.
    in Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.
    may your unfailing love rest upon us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.“  ps. 33: 20-22

  • {what mercy really looks like}

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    there’s a post that’s been sitting in my weblog for a week now unpublished.
    it’s about a fish. just something light. another silly story for the hutch family archives.
    but each time i came to submit it i couldn’t. it just felt off. not right.
    maybe because light, silly fish stories was not exactly the mood i’ve been in this past week…
    it felt to me like i wanted to do another “whole picture” post, only this time, about my heart.

    when we first moved to canada i struggled with what took me a long time to admit was depression.
    crying alot. not wanting to get out of bed. not wanting to eat. that overwhelming feeling of just sadness. hopelessness.
    i get that i’d just had a new baby. it was winter. i was far from home. shayne’s job situation changed almost instantly …
    lots of things to process and adjust from what i thought was going to be, to what was.

    it was a dark time and as dark times seem, the light will never come. but it did.
    still, throughout our years here i’ve continued to feel the pull back towards that pit again.
    i know there’s medical reasons for depression – chemical imbalances. hormone changes.
    i don’t knock any of that… or needing to take a pill to feel “normal” again.
    but i also think there’s a depression that is spiritual – when you stand at that precipice of disappointment, even disillusionment..
    and have to choose either to believe God is who He says He is, or He is not.

    and it’s not a one time deal. we stand there many times. all throughout our life.
    and for me, when i have chosen to not believe. that He is good. always. in control-
    completing what He has begun. transforming. working together. loving…
    that is when i plummet.
    that is when i find myself in the all too familiar mire of self pity. doubt. anger. resentment.

    and that’s where i found myself sitting last week.
    not really for any particular reason i could pinpoint.
    only it seemed nothing and everything all at once!

    depression is a lonely place. partly because we make it that. shut down. close others out.
    our pride keeps us silent. and our fear believing we’re the only one.
    the sunday school answers we know by heart guilt us into thinking we should be stronger. better.able to pull ourselves up.
    and somehow if we were just spiritual enough we wouldn’t struggle.

    but the longer i walk in this relationship with Christ, the more i realize it’s not about being “spiritual enough”
    it’s about coming to rest in the ENOUGH He already is!

    how often i exhaust myself when i don’t have to…
    i don’t have to keep fighting for a victory that’s already been won!

    “in this world you will have trials, but be of good cheer, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD.”

    knowing this doesn’t make me welcome trials more.
    i’m pretty sure i’ll never jump up and down and clap and be all, “oh, goody. another one!!”
    but knowing this makes me shift my focus from the trial to The One that’s bigger than whatever it is i am facing!
    whatever is making me feel overwhelmed, He says He’s overcome!

    not will overcome. already HAS! past tense.

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    nothing we ever go through takes God by surprise. and none of our reactions ever catch Him off guard.
    don’t ever feel shame in feeling discouraged. depressed. defeated.
    YOU are exactly who He came for.
    YOU are who He won the victory for.
    that one just like you.

    and we wouldn’t know there was freedom were it not for our chains.
    and we wouldn’t know His healing were it not for our wounds.

    there is a side to Him we learn only through the darkness.

    and i can’t always say how He brings me back from those times.
    all i know is He does. every time.
    and without condemnation. without reproach.
    His opinion of me never changes and His love of me never lessens.
    He knows my neediness and He’s okay with that.

    i kept thinking alot last week about the scripture that says His mercies are fresh every morning.
    and i hung especially on that word, fresh. new!
    He could have used many other choices of wording there to assure us of His faithfulness…
    He could have told us His mercy was endless. thrown it out to us as a one time blanket to cover whatever it is we’re going to face.
    if He had, that would have been enough.
    and yet, because He’s a God so much more than even that He went further, as so He does.
    right down to exactly where we are.. giving us the comfort that He’s going to show up in our daily lives.
    not simply providing what we need, being what we need!

    it’s as if i used to have this mindset that fresh mercy was like a bucket delivered to my house each morning..
    like those old milk jugs back in the day.
    and there it would sit. waiting for me to pick it up and pour out over my life.
    now, there’s a different picture shaping in my mind…
    one that looks more like this~

    morning coming, a soft knock at the door. opening it, i find there’s not a bucket waiting for me..
    no, there’s nothing for me to lift. to do.
    instead, there stands Christ Himself, hand extended.
    He says, “I’ve come to walk with you through this day.”

    and then i see it, that here.. here is mercy.

    amber.

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