March 5, 2013

• {what mercy really looks like}

  
  
  there’s a post that’s been sitting in my weblog for a week now unpublished.
  it’s about a fish. just something light. another silly story for the hutch family archives.
  but each time i came to submit it i couldn’t. it just felt off. not right.
  maybe because light, silly fish stories was not exactly the mood i’ve been in this past week…
  it felt to me like i wanted to do another “whole picture” post, only this time, about my heart.

  when we first moved to canada i struggled with what took me a long time to admit was depression.
  crying alot. not wanting to get out of bed. not wanting to eat. that overwhelming feeling of just sadness. hopelessness.
  i get that i’d just had a new baby. it was winter. i was far from home. shayne’s job situation changed almost instantly …
  lots of things to process and adjust from what i thought was going to be, to what was.

  it was a dark time and as dark times seem, the light will never come. but it did.
  still, throughout our years here i’ve continued to feel the pull back towards that pit again.
  i know there’s medical reasons for depression – chemical imbalances. hormone changes.
  i don’t knock any of that… or needing to take a pill to feel “normal” again.
  but i also think there’s a depression that is spiritual – when you stand at that precipice of disappointment, even disillusionment..
  and have to choose either to believe God is who He says He is, or He is not.

  and it’s not a one time deal. we stand there many times. all throughout our life.
  and for me, when i have chosen to not believe. that He is good. always. in control-
  completing what He has begun. transforming. working together. loving…
  that is when i plummet.
  that is when i find myself in the all too familiar mire of self pity. doubt. anger. resentment.

  and that’s where i found myself sitting last week.
  not really for any particular reason i could pinpoint.
  only it seemed nothing and everything all at once!

  depression is a lonely place. partly because we make it that. shut down. close others out.
  our pride keeps us silent. and our fear believing we’re the only one.
  the sunday school answers we know by heart guilt us into thinking we should be stronger. better.able to pull ourselves up.
  and somehow if we were just spiritual enough we wouldn’t struggle.

  but the longer i walk in this relationship with Christ, the more i realize it’s not about being “spiritual enough”
  it’s about coming to rest in the ENOUGH He already is!

  how often i exhaust myself when i don’t have to…
  i don’t have to keep fighting for a victory that’s already been won!

  “in this world you will have trials, but be of good cheer, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD.”

  knowing this doesn’t make me welcome trials more.
  i’m pretty sure i’ll never jump up and down and clap and be all, “oh, goody. another one!!”
  but knowing this makes me shift my focus from the trial to The One that’s bigger than whatever it is i am facing!
  whatever is making me feel overwhelmed, He says He’s overcome!

  not will overcome. already HAS! past tense.

  
  
  nothing we ever go through takes God by surprise. and none of our reactions ever catch Him off guard.
  don’t ever feel shame in feeling discouraged. depressed. defeated.
  YOU are exactly who He came for.
  YOU are who He won the victory for.
  that one just like you.

  and we wouldn’t know there was freedom were it not for our chains.
  and we wouldn’t know His healing were it not for our wounds.

  there is a side to Him we learn only through the darkness.

  and i can’t always say how He brings me back from those times.
  all i know is He does. every time.
  and without condemnation. without reproach.
  His opinion of me never changes and His love of me never lessens.
  He knows my neediness and He’s okay with that.

  i kept thinking alot last week about the scripture that says His mercies are fresh every morning.
  and i hung especially on that word, fresh. new!
  He could have used many other choices of wording there to assure us of His faithfulness…
  He could have told us His mercy was endless. thrown it out to us as a one time blanket to cover whatever it is we’re going to face.
  if He had, that would have been enough.
  and yet, because He’s a God so much more than even that He went further, as so He does.
  right down to exactly where we are.. giving us the comfort that He’s going to show up in our daily lives.
  not simply providing what we need, being what we need!

  it’s as if i used to have this mindset that fresh mercy was like a bucket delivered to my house each morning..
  like those old milk jugs back in the day.
  and there it would sit. waiting for me to pick it up and pour out over my life.
  now, there’s a different picture shaping in my mind…
  one that looks more like this~

  morning coming, a soft knock at the door. opening it, i find there’s not a bucket waiting for me..
  no, there’s nothing for me to lift. to do.
  instead, there stands Christ Himself, hand extended.
  He says, “I’ve come to walk with you through this day.”

  and then i see it, that here.. here is mercy.

  amber.

  

  • 2:32 pm
  • 63 Comments