i pulled into the parking lot of wal-mart and after a few loops around settled on the closest spot i could find..
clear out on the very end!
i buttoned up my coat and asked emma to put reese’s hat on.
telling myself i needed the exercise of the hike across the parking lot.
which as soon as i opened my van door to the first gust of cold wintry wind,
my new found fitness resolve seemed to blow away as fast!
i looked down double checking i really had done up my coat. it sure didn’t feel it.

with a little girl’s hand in each of mine we walked quickly.
finally scooping to hold baby and telling emma to hurry up.
herding our way through the doors with the dozens of others we grabbed a rickety shopping cart..
and like bumper cars we were off. everyone going every which way, trying not to crash into the person in front of you.

every few minutes emma would remind me she was hungry…
with a echo of, “me hungry too,” from her little sister.
and i would answer what i had for the last two hours as we had rushed about,
“just a few more minutes guys. promise. then mommy will get you something to eat… “

in the check out lane i rolled through my mental list of what else needed to be done that day..
and i wondered why it was whenever you were in a hurry you always got behind the mother of all extreme couponer’s?
seriously. those people need their own special lanes!

finally paying, and then thinking i should be joining the extreme couponer’s of the world, instead of criticizing them..
you should have seen what that lady saved!
emma tugged on my arm. “can we eat there?” pointing to the mcdonalds in the store.
i sighed. and felt the guilt that if i were a better mom i would have packed a healthy snack..
atleast, a wee bit healthier than mcdonald’s.
with an extra, “pleeeeese?” i ignored the guilt and said yes.

“but we’ll have to grab it real quick and eat it on the way.”

i guess the guy didn’t hear me say, to go!
and when i saw our food on a tray instead of a bag i decided we could probably have it already eaten,
by the time it would take me to call back over the clueless college kid and get him to switch it. 

we found a spot and i settled the girls in the chairs opposite me.
“mom,” emma said as i split the fries between her and reese and shoved a few in my mouth..

“what, baby?”

“can we just do this part slow?”  

i stopped chewing and instantly felt her words sting my heart.
i swallowed hard and reached and took a drink. then nodded.

“okay. let’s do this part slow.”

so i unbuttoned my coat and sat back a little further in my chair.
and while little feet dangled under the table and smiles flashed between bites and the crowds bustled round us
i was reminded of a good thing..
to slow. to calm. to take the time to savor. to enjoy.

sometimes i have to hurry because there are time crunches and packed schedules and responsibilities to keep.
but alot of the time i’m hurrying for no good reason at all…
only that this one thing has to get done so i can get on to the next!!!
and of course.. there’s forever one.more.thing.to.do.
but if we live always for the next thing, we miss the thing right in front of us.

like a sweet memory of just me and my little girlies.
in the wal-mart mcdonalds of all places!

so as this month winds to a close and the busiest one of all is about to start..
here’s to purposing not to be in such a hurry. especially when i don’t have to be.
and when i do. leave earlier. and maybe don’t cram so much in.
and when i can. choosing to sit back. unbutton my coat. stay awhile.

and chew those french fries just a little bit slower!  

kate’s winter shoot in my wedding dress~

my favorite moment from thanksgiving.

happy weekend friends..
enjoy those leftovers!!

i had it all planned in my mind how it would go…

i would make waffles for dinner. waffles with raspberries and whipped cream!
even though we actually all prefer them with plain syrup.
somehow plain syrup didn’t seem festive enough.
i set the table up all nice. {and by nice i mean with real plates verses paper ones}
and i asked ben to make me a playlist of christmas songs.
because of course, this scene would need background music!

and i could just see it all in my mind’s eye -
the soft music.
the angelic kids.
the sweet laughter over memories past.
the excitement lining their faces.
everyone cheerfully pitching in putting the tree together..
passing one branch to the next person, then the next, and finally, into the spot on the tree where it goes!

*music comes to a screeching halt* yes! it’s a fake tree.
i know that in and of itself kinda ruins this whole picture.
but let me rabbit trail a minute about my history with real trees –
 
you see i have tried.. i mean TRIED to get along with real trees throughout my sixteen years of marriage.
but folks.. me and the real deal christmas tree just don’t mesh!!

our first year of marriage it was the most perfect tree i had ever seen. bought from the local grocery store parking lot.
because.. well, when you’re first married everything just seems perfect.
i remember the hours i fussed with that thing.
the countless times i tried to make a bow for the top –
that’s another thing. bows and i. we don’t get along either.
but somehow.. with a bunch of floral wire and a bit of hot glue i got that sucker to stay on!
and shayne and i would sit snuggled on the couch each night admiring our little tree…

but one thing we didn’t exactly take into consideration was putting the tree in the corner right next to the wood burning stove! 
chalk it up as first time christmas tree owners – but that pitiful thing never stood a chance!
i would lay in bed at night and listen as the needles fell onto the hardwood floor.
at first i could count them. one, two. three four five…
then. it got to where they just fell in one big whoosh at a time!
and by christmas, we were opening presents around a trunk with sticks.

our next christmas was the tree that wouldn’t stay up.
i’d come down each morning to it on it’s side!
then there was the tree that had some kind of fungus growing on it.
and then the one that leaked water {unknown to us} every time we watered it and mildewed the carpet.
and how could i forget our last real tree..
the one shayne said he’d have to tie to the wall because it leaned so bad!

and that was the year i headed to lowe’s to buy a fake one.
cause in my opinion a fake tree was better than a big yellow rope attached to my living room wall! ~

it’s funny {actually dumb!} what we allow ourselves as moms to feel guilty over –
and i wonder how many times in my own life what i say is ‘for the kids’ is just a mask to impress others!

.. so all in the name of “memories” i announce to the family it will be the year of the live tree once again in the hutchins home.
thing was. nobody seemed that excited. which should have been my first cue that this wasn’t going to go well. ~
but a few days later when we heard of a place where the government was letting people go in and cut down trees for free – to clear the land, we thought it was meant to be. {we would mean me}

so we loaded everyone up. threw in the chain saw. a flashlight. and headed out.
it took us longer than we thought to get there, and by the time we did, it was dark! 

the flashlight we had was actually one from our neighbor - 
the kind where you crank the handle on the side to get it to shine.
maybe we weren’t cranking it enough, or maybe it was really old, but it would only shine for like all of 2 seconds at a time

so there we were. out in this field in the pitch black with a wind up flashlight!
we’d crank it up. shine it on the trees real fast and try to decide if that one looked decent or not.

finally we picked one.
and boy, had it sure looked pretty!
in the dark!

then i heard about an official tree farm…
a place where you could actually go in the daylight and pick a tree!
where there were even sleigh rides and hot chocolate and carolers and everything!
so we headed out one sunday after church to establish our new family tradition.  

only. it started raining as soon as we got there. a light sprinkle. not too bad.
i figured it would take us no time at all to pick a tree from the hundreds of options!

but there were a few things i hadn’t counted on. and i’ll spare you most of the details..
but just this quick visual of missing the wagon and having to walk from what i think was the complete other side of the farm.
wet. muddy. tired. frozen. and TREE-LESS on top of it all.
no one told us because of the drought that summer all the christmas tree farms had puny trees!
or the ones that weren’t cost a gazillion dollars!! 

and to let you know the sentiment of the entire family after that day..
when i told emma the other night we were putting our tree up she hesitated a minute.

“wait. are we getting a real one again?”

“no. we’re just putting up our fake one.”

“YES!” she said pumping her fist in the air!

so. that is my history with real christmas trees.

instead. the evening went down kinda the total opposite.

quarreling and attitudes and teenagers thinking they’re too big for this sort of thing
and having to rearrange the entire living room to fit the tree.
and lights that worked just fine when not on the tree, once on – suddenly don’t!
is it just me or do you think the light companies are in cahoots with retailers..
why do you have to buy new lights every.single.year?
and kate babysitting in the middle of it all.
and at one point the baby she’s babysitting and reese were both crying at the exact same time!!
and somewhere in there someone had added justin bieber’s christmas album to my playlist.
so instead of my soft bing crosby’s white christmas in the background..
i have the biebs and something that sounds nothing like christmas music at all!!

and suddenly, i’m grounding everybody and sending them to bed at eight o’ clock.
babysitting baby and all!
and then. there i am all alone stringing lights round the tree. {anybody else ever been there?}
realizing pretty quickly the silliness of it all. the selfishness in me..
wanting things to go down like a picture perfect painting. something on a card. in a movie.
with kids all in matching pj’s and smiles and mom and dad looking lovingly at each other over their heads.
even the dog looks like it’s smiling in those kind of scenes!

but real life doesn’t often look that way.
real life is a bit messier. louder. unscripted.
our gingerbread houses seldom turn out looking like the ones on the cover of the box!!

and after a bit longer of stringing lights alone i let out a loud frustrated sigh.
not my first of the night, but now, more at myself than the situation.
i climbed down off the chair and went around the house collecting the kids and bringing them back to the living room.
this time i didn’t make them help. just let them sit.
this time i didn’t care so much if everything went as i thought it was supposed to.
if the spirit had been a bit dampened.
this time, it was just about being together as a family.

of course i love me some pinterest and i never tire of warm fuzzies.
we have a day or two now and then where kids don’t act up and mom doesn’t yell too.
but i wonder in this world of social media if those things have only widened the borders for more comparison and expectation.
for people pleasing and chasing the phantom superwoman.~
for mommy guilt to seep in. the feeling we’re never enough. or doing enough
and that just maybe.. maybe we are the only family who’s ever fought while trying to make a sweet christmas memory together!!

i think i can feel you smiling at me through the screen.
yes. i know we’re not the only ones.

but that’s the thing. family isn’t about having it all together..
it’s about what you do when you don’t.
when tempers flare and feelings get hurt.
when you feel like a failure and things don’t go as you planned.

it’s learning to ask forgiveness. mending what’s been broken. fixing what tore apart.
humbling yourself.
doing what it takes to bring your hearts together again.

that’s family. real family. even with a fake tree!

not the perfect moments.
but working through the ones that aren’t.
giving grace. receiving grace.
coming out on the other side. closer. 
confident that this group of people within these four walls love you, imperfections and all.

and that here.. here is a safe place to grow.
because after all, aren’t we all!

by sunday night you could already see the tiredness before the week had even begun.
and by monday morning the attitudes were flying hard…
i was pretty near positive i’d lose my salvation before i could manage to get the kids out the door to school!

monday night brought more busyness and, “you have to be where, by when?”
said to the clueless teenager as to why last minute details never go over big with parents!
and plans changing, car keys grabbing, and pork chops left burning!!

by tuesday morning i woke up feeling exhausted, as if the entire week had passed and not just only on the second day in~

i slipped out of bed and went to wake up the kids.
passing the window, then stopping and going back to look out.
a tiny dusting of snow across the rooftops of the houses. so peaceful.
and as i stood there still in the morning silence i suddenly made my mind up to do something i’ve never done before..

i went in to where kate was just starting to get up and asked if she had any tests that day.
when she said no, i told her to go back to bed. then i went and asked ben and told him the same.

so the house stayed quiet and slept!
except of course, baby cakes of the family, who is always bright eyed and bushy tailed first thing every morning.

when everyone else finally emerged and once emma got over her confusion that no, this really wasn’t saturday..
i double checked with less sleepy headed kids that there really wasn’t anything major they would be missing in class-
and so all of us in pajama pants or something cozy, and hair still wild and uncombed just kicked back and enjoyed the day! relaxing. being together~

i let the laundry go. the dishes sit. the clothes all over my bedroom floor that my closet threw up, just lay in a heap.
{and yes! that’s a big deal for this project driven ocd perfectionist pms-y on top of it mama}
 
instead we read books and talked and ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and almost every single pumpkin muffin i’d made.
we watched looney tunes and mantracker and listened to johnny cash..
ben and i even practiced our gangnam style dancing.
 
it didn’t last all day. there were errands to do later and job training for kate and youth for ben.
but while it did it was great. it was needed.
one of those days i know the kids will look back on like, “remember the time mom let us skip school…” 

most of the time being mom means making sure they aren’t skipping.
that their homework’s finished.
bed made.
clothes folded.
chores done.
teeth brushed.
instrument practiced.
to their game on time.
new mouth guard bought.
shoes tied.
showered afterwards.
papers signed.
fruit packed in their lunch.
and clean underwear on!

but sometimes. every now and then. being mom means it’s okay too,  just letting it all go..

it seems there’s always a certain energy level around our place that borders somewhere between fun and sheer chaos!
having a dad that’s a big kid at heart and loves a good wrestling match and pillow fight as much as the rest, might have something to do with it too!!
and maybe the fact that at any given time there’s 2 or 3 kids there that aren’t our own..
and we’re never really sure where they come from or how long they’ve been there!

i rather like the cozy busyness of it all.
but not when 10th grade girls are stressed and trying to write essay’s.

i was raised with the whole “courtship” teaching.. where it was almost considered wrong to even be friends with a boy because it might lead to something more. and though i agree with the underlying principle courtship presented of purity, and even waiting until you were older and a bit more mature before entering into serious dating relationships, i do think there’s a way for our teenagers to focus on God, remain pure, AND have healthy friendships with guys/ girls without having to name it anything or start a movement!~

i used to wonder instead of encouraging kids to be, “committed to courtship.” 
why not just, “committed to Christ?”

and yes. all that from a conversation about romeo and juliet!

****

this morning i woke to a toddler holding a squished little debbie snack cake in her hands.

“open. pease. mommy!”

followed soon after by a crying seven year old from an infected ear from her earring!
i felt so bad for her. and went into full “operation” mode. remember that game??
do not touch ear. touch sides of ear. and whatever you do, do not touch the earring!!! {said the seven year old}.

and while doctor mom is attempting the impossible, the hungry toddler is happily getting her own breakfast..
giving up on trying to open the squished little debbie snack cake and on to the box of mini wheats.
dumping the entire contents out all over the kitchen floor- why bother with a bowl and spoon? 
which would happen two more times { i really need to move those boxes higher}.
and all before EIGHTO’CLOCKINTHEMORNING !!!

and so the day went.
and i felt exhausted and ready for bed by NINE {a.m.}!!

at one point i sat down between the clean ups and turned on the t.v.
i’m not even sure what show it was but they were talking about ways women could avoid wrinkles.
{i sent reese to finish the rest of the brownies so i could really pay attention!}

but after a few things in, like, getting eight hours of sleep at night..
and when you do, not laying on your side or stomach.
who knew sleeping comfortably created wrinkles!!
and try using less expression. “don’t smile as big!”
and oh, at all times be conscious of your face, “try to keep it relaxed as possible.” 

did none of these women talking ever have a two year old!!
how are you supposed to see them practically sitting in the middle of a brownie pan and keep your face relaxed and expressionless?!

after a few more minutes i clicked it off and went to get ready for the day.

i raised my eyebrows up and down a few times.
patted them. pulled them down.
smiled really big. then frowned.
practiced my closed mouth smile.. which doesn’t work for me.
shayne says i just end up looking angry.
he’s right.

later in the afternoon while driving somewhere..with taylor swift’s new song that i’ve heard 500 times in the past two weeks blaring over the radio -{now there’s someone who could use a little courtship theory in her life!} i glanced up in the mirror at my tired mommy eyes… catching as i did the static haired little brownie swiper in the carseat behind me.

pulling my sunglasses down i thought to myself, sure. there are more wrinkles than there used to be.
more coming every day.

but. if they represent the number of times i’ve smiled. expressed love. been emotional. passionate. laughed..

if i fall into bed each night exhausted and could care less if i sleep on my side, my stomach, or straight up on my head because i’ve served and cared for others. played hard and gave hard. lived full..

if my kids have good memories..
if they remember a mom who was more relaxed in spirit, over a relaxed unsmiling face..

if these are the things that “make wrinkles?”
well then, i’m glad to see them there!

we celebrated our sixteenth anniversary yesterday!

so amazing to stop and look back on all God has done..
every single step of the way.
right up to even this very morning when we argued and then.
once again learned that grace always triumphs when we look beyond ourselves to Him.

i really am in awe at the change in our relationship even from six months ago.
God has repaired and healed and fused our hearts together as i feel they used to be in the good ole days!
where i once again feel that sweet closeness and friendship and love. happiest when with him.

there’s lots of verses and songs i’ve called “ours” along the way..
but when i think of our marriage right now i think of this verse. and this song!

but some things haven’t changed.
like the fact that we’re committed to this thing. in it together. wanting deeper. stronger. more!
to not just have a marriage we tolerate, but ever working to create a marriage we enjoy.
and knowing, even more so now than i did on that day sixteen years ago, that only happens one way..
as we continue to look to The One who brought us together to begin with.
who has kept us together.
and holds us together through it all.

thank you Father for the journey of these sixteen years!