April 12, 2012

• {family when family’s not there}

  As Easter approached last week, I felt that old familiar tightening in my chest.
  the homesickness creeping in.

  it’s always the holidays. or special days, like birthdays..
  that put that extra ache in my heart for home.
  
  Sometimes I wonder if the day will ever come when I won’t feel it.
  When I’m finally not countering in my mind between what is now and what was then.
  what we were doing last year. what we used to do every year before that.
  parents house. sunday lunch. easter egg hunt. family pictures on the back parking lot after church.

  now. there’s new traditions beginning. a different church parking lot.
  
  I used to want that. to establish my own thing within our little family as the kids got older.
  and mom and dad were fine with that. encouraged it.
  They never made us feel that every holiday had to be with them.
  but funny. Now that I have that chance. I just kinda wish for them again.

  for those of you further down the journey than me I wonder..
  does that ever go away? the longing to return “home?”

  Thursday, as mom and I talked on the phone.
  both going over what we were cooking. me asking for recipe’s. sharing what we had planned.
  I listened to her talking and could see it all in my mind’s eye.
  it would be just as things had always been in the past.

  but then. it kinda hurt to hear too.
  because insecurities are dumb that way.
  they sneak in and tell you things like, the “hole” you left is closing over.
  maybe you’re not missed at all by anyone back home.
  maybe no one really notices you’re even gone. or cares.
  
  Coming from a family of all boys has it’s down side at times, on the communication front.
  boys aren’t so great for keeping in touch.
  But in their defense, maybe it’s not just boys.
  I think we all have a phone phobia in our family. {except mom, of course}
  Sometimes, I wonder if sisters would be different.
  
  then, usually whenever I’m feeling this way..
  within the very next few days I start hearing from them. it’s kinda funny.
  Like there’s some brother code they send out or something – “contact sister.”
  and it makes me smile even now thinking of each and their own ways of letting me know, yeah.. they notice I’m gone.
  
  And Sunday morning driving to church.
  the lump in my throat that had been there all week began burning harder…
  I felt the tears brim and threaten to fall.
  and I turned my face to the window.
  but, as the empty fields, glistening in morning sun blurred by.
  suddenly, out of nowhere, but not really, I know where!
  something came washing in over the homesickness that was clamping down hard around my heart.

  this thought.
  an incredible gratefulness for the body of Christ!
  
  just a whole new awareness that this. this is our family when family’s not there.
  
  even when family is there. nearby. but not there. not really.
  ties are broken. hearts are hurt.
  They might live in the very same town, yet you still feel homesick for them.
  for what once was. or never was. or what could be.

  and whether separated by pain and anger. or actual miles apart.
  how like God to create this even broader circle of “family” to encompass us no matter where we are.
  pain. anger. miles. separation. homesickness. all.
  
  That when we call Him, Father, it’s like we automatically gain brothers and sisters from all over the world that call Him the same!

  I love that.
  
  love being a part of something like that.
  this great big huge family of God!

  and as hard as it’s been to be away from my own..
  I don’t think I would have ever realized the importance, or the power of it, were it not for that.
  
  Having best friends within your family is awesome. a gift
  But there is value in relationships outside your four walls as well.
  having different perspectives. people that don’t come from the same box of thinking as you.
  it’s good for us. even needed.
  
  I know relationship comes with risk. it’s scary.
  
  the haunting question -
  if others see the mess of me, will they turn, running away?

  and relationships in the start can just be downright awkward. a bit weird.
  but unless we’re willing to put up with a little weird. a little awkward.
  and yeah, all the scary of it too, we’ll never know the other side.
  the blessing and encouragement and comfort to be found in place where maybe weird and awkward once were.

  scary? well, that just might always be there. in all relationships.
  because anytime we open ourselves up to someone else, there’s that potential for hurt.

  Like my pastor said a few weeks ago in a sermon.
  “the good news is, we’re family. but the bad news is… we’re family!”
  
  
  
  like porcupines in a snow storm, we need each other to keep warm –
  but there’s going to be that chance of hurting each other when we get close.
  
  And I know when you’ve been hurt it’s easy to simply stay away. shut down.
  to think you don’t need anyone. that you can do life just fine on your own.
  but we can’t. we’re not meant to.
  we’re built for community. not solitary.
  
  As hard as it is, and believe me, I get it.
  no matter the hurt we’ve endured from the sharp quills of someone..
  we cannot be afraid to take a chance on people again!
  
  Sometimes that chance requires us reaching out.
  not just sitting back waiting to be reached out to.
  to do the inviting. the calling. the one who walks over to the other.
  the effort. the selflessness.

  Not because we’re all brave and confident that way.
  but even more so, because we’re not.
  because God shows up biggest when we feel smallest.

  And sure, there’s different seasons of life where pursuing relationships might be easier than others.
  the day will come when kids are older. no longer needing me to drive them all over the place.
  I might even stop wearing sweatpants and fixing mac and cheese for dinner.

  But I’m realizing too I can’t wait until I feel everything is calmer. that I’m more put together. or I have more time..
  because I’m pretty sure if I keep waiting, I’ll just be dead. it’ll never happen.
  and I’ll have missed out on so much that could have enriched my life through what others have to offer.
  
  I know that no one can fill the place where only God fits in our hearts.
  but I also know God puts us in these places.
  places of loneliness. of needing relationships. connection. community..
  so that ultimately, in it all, we better discover HIM in ways we couldn’t have otherwise.
  
  it’s like a full circle thing.
  the more we realize He’s all we need..
  the conclusion isn’t that we stop reaching out. 
  no. the conclusion should be we reach out more than ever!

  because recognizing He alone satisfies leaves us free to love without expectation.

  “the sooner we quit pretending and start admitting we’re all imperfect and in need of grace…
  this is the beginning of real community.”

  just grateful this weekend..
  and again writing this out. going over it again in my heart, for the community around me here.
  for the family when family’s not there.
  
  
  *****   

  some pictures from our easter~

  

  

  
  
  
  at a friends house for lunch, after Good Friday services.

  
  
  

  
  
  a favorite. I’ve had a hidden stash on top of the fridge for weeks.

  
  
  sunday morning after church. in the parking lot!

  
  
  some of the friends that joined us for easter.
  
  
  resurrection rolls.
  
  my friend Jo told me about these.
  you roll a marshmallow in a crescent roll..
  I let the kids each roll one up so they could see what would happen.
  once the rolls bake, the marshmallow disappears – symbolizing the empty tomb!!
  
  I thought it was a cute idea. the kids liked it. and they’re also super yummy to eat.

  
  

  and just the kids.
   
  

  
  

  the big ones.

  
  
  the little ones.

  

  the little ones laughing at the big ones.
  
  

  and all of them.

  
  
  

  caught this of the little girls that morning.

  

  halfway through Reese stood up and started dancing!
  shaking her little leg back and forth.
  
  
  
  

  I think she knew Easter was something to dance about!

  
  

  
  `♥ amber

  • 7:47 am
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