July 18, 2012

• {in those times when i feel small}

  
  
  there are times i’ve stood on an ocean’s edge.
  my eyes looking as far as i can see.
  the horizon endless.
  and i just feel… small.

  there are times i’ve stood on mountaintops.
  the climb and the view, equally, leaving me breathless..
  and i look down as it were on the world. and yet, feel so small.

  there are times when night is black and hundreds of dancing stars flicker in the sky.
  when i stop. and turn my face upward. neck bending back until it hurts..
  spinning round and round in circles to take it all in.
  and as tiny as they seem from where i am, i feel, much smaller still. 

  there are times when i’ve watched the american flag, draped motionless over a casket.
  the wife of the fallen soldier, his little son and daughter, all gripping tight to each other.
  when i’ve looked for the words and found none.
  and in the shadow of such sacrifice. such loss. i feel small.

  there are times a friend’s tears move me to the same.
  when separation and divorce were never part of the plan.
  and an icy chill goes through my heart that, “if them? then who is safe?”
  and i fold my arms around me from the chill. and feel small.

  there are times when talk and images of skeleton children in countries far away bring shame to my discontentment.
  when i realize my eyes see all i don’t have, while their eyes see only hope..
  because that is all they have.
  and with their eyes looking in mine. i feel small.

  there are times when scabs of old wounds get caught on something and suddenly rip off.
  when out oozes hurt and bitterness i thought long dealt with.
  when forgiveness not only seems tough, but impossible.
  and all i feel against the onslaught of emotion, is small.  

  there are times when parenting seems overwhelming.
  oh boy. do i feel small! 

  times when marriage seems more “for worse,” than, “for better.”
  “for poorer,” than, “for richer.”
  and the part about, “in sickness and in health?”
  well, i didn’t realize that would include the sickness of our souls…
  the selfishness and pride and unyielded rights that can blow a marriage wide open.
  and as we dance in the minefields. i feel small.

  there are times i look around and feel every creative thought. idea. concept. dream. vision. possibility has already been used up.
  in comparison. i feel small.

  times i feel my voice doesn’t matter. my words count.
  when it all seems to have been said. expressed. blogged. authored. written.
  and i feel small.

  those times when life just weighs down heavy. so out of my control.
  leaving me.. feeling small.

  times when surrounded by people, and yet a loneliness.
  and oh, how small in those times.  

  times when it seems everyone else is successful. important..
  when i’m pretty close to positive that i’m the only one that doesn’t have it all together. {will i ever!}
  yes. i feel small. 

  and… those times when feeling small, just flat out annoys me!
  
  but lately. ya know what i’m discovering?
  feeling small isn’t a bad thing.
  it doesn’t mean we’re hunkered timidly in some corner..
  or laying down for people to walk over.

  “small” in God’s economy has a whole different definition than the world’s.
  feeling small, when we belong to Him, is a good thing.
  
  because it’s there, in my neediness, i find Him most.

  where i learn to to let go of the try-hard life and just lean over into His Sufficient Self.
  where His grace covers every flaw and burden and loss and helplessness and hurt.
  where, most of all, i’m reminded, not what life is about, but Who!

  in those times when i feel small.  

  

  • 10:37 pm
  • 33 Comments