September 3, 2012

• {snake basement mode}

  when we lived in our farm house in cincinnati, there used to be these black rat snakes that would get in our old cellar..
  i guess they liked the cool dampness down there during the hot summer months.
  although i don’t know why they couldn’t have just hid under a rock outside like other normal snakes!

  when we called the zoo to ask whether they were aggressive or not the nice reptile man assured us.. 
  you couldn’t have a “better” snake in your basement!
  they were harmless. laid back. and we’d never have a rodent problem.

  oh? and that’s supposed to be comforting?

  i think i’d rather stick to good old fashioned mouse traps and peanut butter than have the snake pit from Raiders of the Lost Ark in my basement!! thank you very much.

  needless to say. i NEVER went in our basement.
  once during an impending tornado. i stood with the kids right at the top of the stairs watching out the window incessantly.
  the only way i was going down there in the middle of the night was if i saw a funnel cloud coming across our yard!

  but. there was the occasional time when it was unavoidable. i.had.to.go.down.there.
  like, when our outside faucet broke and had water spraying everywhere!!
  i called shayne, who was out of town, and he told me i’d have to turn off the main water valve – IN THE BASEMENT!
  after trying to convince him the basement wouldn’t flood before he came home in two days…
  or, that maybe having constant water running that way wouldn’t really cost a fortune, i knew it was time to don my ghost buster’s attitude and just do it!

  i’d make him stay on the phone with me as i went down though, because you know…
  if i saw a snake, and he was on the other side of the line, in a another town hours away, he’d be able to be really helpful!!

  then, usually the scenario would go something like –
  i’d stand at the top of the steps for several minutes.
  looking up at the ceiling. shutting my eyes hard. looking up again. taking a deep breath…
  repeating this until,

  “hon, do you see the red switch? it’s right on the side..”

  “Oh. um.. yeah. just about… “

  “hon. are you even down there yet?”

  and with one last look up. eyes shut hard. deep breath. down i’d go. 
  i tried to keep my eyes straight on the water pump.
  i didn’t look down. didn’t look over under the stairs. not in the corner, or walls.
  maybe there weren’t any snakes there at all, or maybe there were dozens, i don’t know.
  because i just never looked!
  i figured what i didn’t see, wouldn’t bother me.

  i could simply ignore the inevitable by choosing not to acknowledge it.

  which is exactly how i felt weeks ago, as i walked into wal-mart, and saw the back packs and school supplies all to the left.
  i quickly turned away and kept my eyes straight when i passed.
  snake basement mode, baby!
  there was no way summer was nearly over. hadn’t it all JUST started?

  i tried to rewind it in my mind. back to the start..
  how excited we were that school was finally over.
  and by finally, i mean FINALLY, since i never felt a school year had ever lasted so long!
  and we were all so anxious for long, do nothing kind of days, and warm sunshine and fresh mowed grass.

  i thought of the books we’d read and the things we’d do.
  the people we’d see and the places we’d go. and yes, the dr. seuss i’d quote.
  and mental summer lists of this and that and all and everything and suddenly, i’m panicky because we hardly did any.
  and i felt the guilty, i suck at being a fun pinterest worthy mom, feeling come over me.
  but then i asked the kids, “what’s been your favorite thing this summer.”
  unanimously they agreed. Just hanging at home.

  instantly the guilty mom thing left because i realized, kids who want and LIKE being home..
  well, maybe that’s more of an “accomplishment” than being pinterest worthy anyway! )

  ****

  speaking of back to school. several of you have asked how the kids first year of public school went..
  coming from being homeschooled.

  for kate. the best to describe it is, she started with super straight hair.. 
  those first several months, waking early to straighten and fuss with it. wanting it to look, just so.
  wondering why she seemed to be the only one without naturally bone straight, shiny locks. her hair has a mind of it’s own!
  but by the end,  she was simply embracing her wild, wavy curly-ish hair..
  discovering it was okay to be who you are. which means, not like everybody else!

  she really came into her own. and i hate to say,”found herself.”
  because i think that’s a life time process..
  discovering who we are. changing. evolving . growing. deepening.
  but she discovered who she is, for now. at 14.

  she went through, and she’d tell you herself, so it’s not private, a rough patch around the middle of the school year..
  i could so see the struggle in her. i identified it quickly because it’s one i still struggle with.
  the pull to the world. to the Lord. which way will you choose. who will you live to please.

  i think that many of the problems we face as teens, stay our weakness throughout our lives..
  we just become better at hiding them than our flamboyant, out there young people do!!

  but i saw kate’s heart really leaning to the world for several months.
  and as attitudes built and my worry turned to control and control turned to clashing and clashing to arguing and arguing to tears, and wondering, where my sweet compliant child had gone? 

  only to later realize. she was working out her own beliefs.
  it’s what we want our kids to do, right? but, what a scary process to watch.

  around the first of the year, she and i headed to cincinnati together. 
  i have no idea what happened. other than to say, on the trip down she was one person.
  on the trip back.. she was my old kate again.

  and when i asked her, “i can tell you’ve changed. what happened?”
  “i don’t know mom.” she answered. “other than i just feel God got a hold of me again.”

  i get tears even writing it.

  it’s probably the single most important lesson i’ve learned so far in parenting
  that God can parent our kids just fine without us all up in their faces and paranoid and worrying and trying to force them to talk to us or be close or read the bible or all the spiritual bull you throw at them to try, because you just know that somehow you’ll say the magic word and then, they’ll instantly snap back..

  no. God can handle getting a hold of our kids hearts all by Himself. and trust me, He will.
  and when He does it. it’s genuine. it last. and there is change.

  kate began being bolder with her faith. 
  on her own she decided dating wasn’t for her.. not just something mom and dad weren’t allowing. {and believe me, that’s huge!}
  and she would come to me with, ” look at this verse i read today, mom.”

  i really think by going to school kate not only discovered more of who she was. but who God was. is.
  and she’s walking with Him because she wants to. not because she’s made to.
  would she have come to the same conclusion if we’d homeschooled her. maybe.
  God is God and He would have gotten her heart, i’m sure.
  but i do wonder if she would have had such a drastic change..
  such a seriousness about the things of God were she not forced to figure out on her own how she believed and what she was going to stand for~

  
  a water color she painted in art class. i framed it because it speaks to me of the journey kate took in her 9th grade year..
  
  ****

  now Ben. oh, man, that kid!
  he surprised me.
  i thought he’d be the one that would struggle most with peer pressure.
  but his whole attitude towards school was, he could take it or leave it.
  i think he enjoyed it. the different pace.
  but it wouldn’t have bothered him a bit to quit and be homeschooled again.
  he actually ended up saying he liked homeschool better…
  “because you’re done in half the time, and then can play the rest of the day!”
  but of course!!

  we ended up getting him moved ahead to 8th grade.
  he had always been a year ahead in homeschooling. in the same grade as his sister..
  but they were sticklers when we registered him that he had to go according to his birthday.

  after a few weeks we saw it was all a repeat of what he already knew and so began the process of trying to appeal to move him ahead.
  wow. that’s one thing coming from homeschooling you’re not used to…
  someone else telling you what is best for your child.

  it was funny at one point, they sent home a letter saying they wanted to test ben for the “gifted class.”
  we laughed. not that we don’t think our boy, and all our kids are gifted. we think they’re exceptional…
  but, we knew it wasn’t that he was particularly gifted, hello? he’s just already done the 7th grade!!

  finally. after much back and forth with the school board superintendent, they made the switch at the beginning of the year.
  it was tough for ben changing halfway through..
  but we repeatedly asked if he really wanted to do that, and he did, so we went with it.

  after the 8th grade switch though, i begin to notice ben not wanting to go to school…
  coming home more often for lunch, and making up excuses to miss.
  i worried the work was too much, or too hard, trying to catch up and get with the others in his class.
  each day when i’d ask how school was, he would shrug, okay.
  but i could tell there was something more bothering him.

  one night after dinner, when somehow the conversation got onto joking about others, or laughing at another’s expense..
  ben lingered after his sisters had left. quietly helping me put the dishes away and clear the table.

  “kids at school make fun of me, ya  know…” he said rather nonchalantly as he was carrying some plates over.

  “what? no. i didn’t know. what do they make fun of you for?”

  “everything… from being homeschooled. to being an american. to being a christian.”

  as we sat down and he began to share, i felt my face get flushed and hot tears fill my eyes.
  i was so angry at the cruelty of kids. the stupidity, really.

  the american digs kill me…  
  ben had no control over where he was born. what his citizenship is.
  just as a muslim child has no control over their heritage.
  and when these are the things being “made fun of” by kids on the playground,
  i can’t help but conclude.. where are these kids hearing this stuff? learning it?
   
  parents need to teach their kids more than tolerance and equality.
  how about just some plain old kindness!
  and maybe the old rule, if ya can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!
  being rude and laughing at something someone has no control over is never appropriate.

  as far as the christian thing. that actually made me proud of him..
  that his classmates would know he was a christian. he hadn’t hidden that fact.
  these are the kinds of things i think you never really know about your kids until they’re put in situations like this..
  will they share their faith? stand for the Lord? not be ashamed to own that they’re His?

  there was this group in particular, of about 3 or 4 boys, that seemed to take it upon themselves to get the “christian boy” to swear..
  they would follow him home from school some days carrying on with,
  “just say the f word already. you know you want to.”
  or, then ask things like, “do christians think gay’s are bad?”
  and, “are you not allowed to date cause you’re christian?”

  when i asked ben what his response was when they did that, it wasn’t anything super spiritual,
  “oh, i’ve given my life to Jesus and i can’t do that.”
  no. it was much better.. he said he’d just shrug and roll his eyes and say, “whatever!”

  that’s my boy!!

  but we had some great conversations that stemmed from all that.
  what about bad language? is it right, wrong? what makes a swear word a swear word? is it okay for christians?

  makes me think of that little sunday school song we used to sing when i was young –
  “smoking. drinking. fist fights and dirty talk, they all make you walk the dirty walk…”
  as if we can categorize sin that way!! some being higher on the list than others. but that’s how many christians feel. judge.
  but as we talked through these things with the kids our eyes were opened more, that the line of sin does not run vertical. up and down. some measuring “worse” than others.
  no, it goes horizontal.. straight across. all equal.
  and what makes sin, “sin,” is whatever is not glorifying to God. period.

  sometimes i think, give me the person smoking, drinking, fist fighting and dirty talking over some of these christians so rehearsed in acting one way outwardly, but having hearts that are nothing like Jesus!

  but those months after getting moved to 8th grade were tough.
  every day ben would come home and we’d ask.. “were you made fun of today.”
  he’d nod. sometimes there would be tears.
  at one point he said, “i’m just so tired of it, mom. i don’t know why they don’t stop.”
  and that’s about the time i almost called my gang of girlfriends to pay a visit to the playground with me to put a little fear in some bullies.

  and as often as i wanted to do that. i knew this was a battle ben had to fight alone.
  and man, that’s hard on us moms. to stand back and do nothing!

  but what i began to see was something emerge in my shy laid back shrugging “whatever” 13 year old…

  he would talk to us about this kid that was being made fun of. or that kid sitting alone.
  the one everyone thought acted weird, or dressed goofy, or smelt bad.
  and i knew, as hard as his own hurt was, it was forcing him TO NOTICE the hurt of others..
  to hopefully have compassion and understanding. because he knew what it felt like.

  when i told him that one afternoon. that God was building in him a sensitivity to others pain, he said,
  “i guess so. but i think i got it now, mom. so you think He could make the kids stop!”

  he makes me laugh. because how often i’ve felt the same.
  okay, God. got this lesson. you can stop now!

  we began to really pray for ben, and with ben.
  the ladies in my small group were praying also..
  and it was amazing to see the shift in the kids that were making fun of him.
  one by one, and like a miracle. they each began to stop.
  and actually, by the end of the year, those very boys were coming over after school and hanging out.
  and the boy that had started the teasing to begin with, apologized to ben.

  well. in a “hey ben.. you know i’m only joking about the american stuff right?” kind of way.
  but still. and when i saw this kid, i was surprised that ben never made fun of him back..
  he wasn’t exactly the slimiest guy in the world!

  i think ben learned a valuable lesson. tough to go through. and tougher still as a mom, to stand back and watch, but so important and something i know he’ll never forget.

  so, he graduated grade 8.
  was nominated for athlete of the year.  
  and now i’ll have two heading off to high school this year! 
  yikes.

  ****

  with emma. i ordered the 2nd grade curriculum from abeka and we’ve done a bit of that this summer.
  but after lots of talking it through and even more prayer…
  i walked into the little school across the road from us on thursday and registered her for school!
   
  i’ve never sent one of my little ones, and it’s a whole different set of feelings than the older ones.
  i keep telling myself i have 20 hours left to change my mind if i want!

  she’s excited though. a little nervous.
  i think she’ll cry.
  i think we both will.
  but i also think she’ll do great and love it.

  then again, if she does horrible, i don’t care to simply bring her home and homeschool her again.
  i’m not going to pressure myself either way.
  or feel guilty either way.

  
  
  
  shayne and i have always taken the kids education one year at a time.
  and strange, but i think we’re both at a place of feeling peace both ways.
  to send them. or homeschool them.
  either one. we’re fine with.

  i feel last year was so hard to finally release the kids to “PUBLIC” school..
  or any school besides what i’d always known myself, basically since the 4th grade.
  there was such a sense of wrong conviction in me that wasn’t of God, but merely what others might think.

  and i never want to parent based on what others think of me.
  or even, what’s best for me! it’s so easy to do. i’ve done it lots.
  so easy to make it all seem right and even godly, when at the core it’s our own fear or selfishness driving it.

  i understand it’s hard at times to even know our own motives.
  but i do think when you cry out to God for wisdom. for clarity and direction, He gives it.
  among all the screaming voices of formulas and how to’s and lists and rules of the, woulda shoulda coulda, ways to raise your kids…
  God’s voice speaks quiet and calm to our hearts.
  He never drives us. if we’re feeling driven, it’s probably not from Him.
  but, as our shepherd, gently leads. never forcing.
  it is our choice to follow the way He points out.

  so for this new school year. that starts tomorrow morning!
  no more snake basement mode.
  it’s time to look it square on and head down those steps!!

  are they scary steps? yes. every step in raising kids is scary.
  but can there also be peace in following God,
  even among the fear and nervousness and unknowns?

  absolutely.

  because this isn’t just any God we’re following here.
  “His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor.. the PRINCE OF PEACE.” isa. 9:6

  ****

  i have pictures to add from ben’s grade 8 grad but haven’t sorted through which ones yet..
  i’ll come back later and do that.
  but right now..
  we’re off to the beach to enjoy our last day of official summer holiday!! 

  ****

  photo’s added::

  these are back from the end of june, but wanted to get them documented on the blog nonetheless…

  
  how do you like my miss.clairol hair? ha. that’s what it reminds me of. the 1980′s

  
  

  
  of course what ben was doing while waiting to leave

  
  
  love these two together and happy they’ll be going to school together this year

  
  
  

  so now lunches are packed. clothes carefully set out {the girls, that is}, shoes lined by the door..
  and one more lesson, no doubt, tomorrow morning for us all, that no matter what, God is bigger! 

  And will you succeed?
  Yes! You will, indeed!
  (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

  KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

  So…
  be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
  or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
  You’re off to Great Places!
  Today is your day!
  Your mountain is waiting.
  So…get on your way! 
  -dr.seuss. oh, the places you’ll go

  

  • 11:31 pm
  • 45 Comments