September 7, 2012

• {journal of first week}

  
  
  tuesday:: well.. i just gotta say, i laid awake last night worrying over a million things. like, there was a bomb threat at all the high schools in the area. and shayne thought kate’s pants were too tight. and what if ben were offered drugs or showed pornography. and emma.. emma had diarrhea all day yesterday from a nervous stomach. and she doesn’t even know how to spell her last name! what if that was the first thing the teacher asked – take out a piece of paper and write your first and last name across the top!!!! and was this all right? were we totally screwing up by not homeschooling? how can you know you’re making the right decisions with your kids?  and on and on my mind whirled. and then. then this morning.. it was like it all lifted. i can’t even explain it other than to say, GOD! the kids were all peaceful and happy. emma didn’t cry a tear. and as i watched until i couldn’t see her head anymore, walk into the school building, i turned and pulled my glasses down.. the tears came, but not really tears of sadness. tears of JOY! because God is good. and His grace is enough.

  wednesday:: we got thai food carry out for dinner to celebrate last night! and shayne made milkshakes. all the kids were talking a mile a minute and it was chaotic and loud and at one point shayne and i smiled at each other because i knew we were both thinking the same thing, we love these people we call our kids! this morning though there seemed a shift..  i came down to the kitchen early and saw the table scattered with waded papers of frustration and eraser shavings all over from kate’s math homework. and nerves for trying out for football were getting ben. and emma was misty eyed and not so sure. daddy had to be at work early, and his presence gone i seem to lose some stability. how can he always be so calm? i think i worry far more. i need to work on that. i find myself watching the clock all day. counting down. kate and ben are home by 3. then we walk over to get emma at 3:30. the first day we looked like a parade. all of us showing up to get her. clapping as she came out the doors!

  thursday:: the novelty of school seems to wear off fast. for both kids and mom. grumpiness from tiredness and still not used to new routines setting in. reality this is the new normal. me second guessing if this is the normal for us. thinking i feel peace one minute. then, at the sight of tears from my six year, not so sure. i know these things build character but can’t character wait! i wish at times everything were easier. maybe then i wouldn’t question God’s will. is that what God’s will is, easy? i don’t think so. seems the opposite when you look in scripture, hear other’s stories. but.. still i wish for it. especially for my kids. i don’t care what suffering builds in us, i don’t like watching my kids unhappy for a minute. unless it’s when they want brownies before dinner or reese wants to run out in the middle of the road and doesn’t understand why she can’t. well, then “unhappy” is a different story. but doesn’t God feel the same for us as a Parent. knowing best what we don’t know. seeing what we can’t. this school stuff is certainly a classroom of trust for us all. ben twisted his leg at football practice and doesn’t think he’ll be able to play. i wonder if it’s insecurities at being smaller, since he is basically 2 years younger than the boys in his grade. we need to sit down and talk with dad about that this weekend. ~ i don’t care at all if my kids don’t play sports, but i don’t ever want their fears and insecurities to dictate their decisions. i know something about that. this morning, while we sat in the van waiting for the bell, i was reminding emma that Jeuss is always with her, because He’s in your heart. i picked up a pen from the door and took her hand, turning it over, and drawing an upside down heart, so she could see it right side up when she looked down at it… saying, “this is to remind you of your heart.” and then i filled it in, “and what is inside your heart is Jesus. and because of Him you have the ability and strength to make it through this day and face whatever comes.” i also promised a special prize for no tears. when i picked her up later that day, she bounded over with a, “well, i didn’t try {cry}.”  she picked out a stamp set at marshall’s last night.

  friday:: i let the older ones make their own lunches this morning. i was too tired to get up. i did go out and holler over the banister before they left, i love you guys. and hanging over further to see ben, told him to reconsider going to football practice. we’ll see. he’s old enough to decide this for himself. he knows his heart, what his motives are. all i can do is listen and navigate him to the Lord. it’s hard at times letting go. of what i want. what i desire for my kids. i thought of that on monday, releasing hands for them to find their own way. yet, wanting to hold on to hearts to make them my way. but hearts need released just the same as hands. more. to find God without force by mom and dad. to learn dependance when there’s no one telling them so. how often i think i know better. can do better at protecting and caring for their hearts. than God? silly. but still. this morning sitting in the van with emma, there were harder tears. and hard for me to see them. we talked a bit. then sat quiet. she suddenly reached over, got the pen in the door and handed it to me, holding out the palm of her hand. i felt all gulpy and proud as i followed the faded outline from the heart that i drew the day before. and what does that mean? i asked when i finished. she took her hand and balled it up tight into a fist as she held it against her chest. saying with eyes still wide and nervous, yet a sweet smile spreading out, “Jesus.” the day’s not over yet. but i’m grateful to be at the end of this first week of school. now, only 39 more to go. and yes, i had to google how many weeks were in a school year.

  i know there are good days that lie ahead. and some more rough ones too. not just for their school years, but for all of life. and they will forever, as we all do, learn to lay their brokenness and needs at the feet of the only one who can truly gather and mend them. i’m thinking of emma’s expression as she said His name. and whisper the same as i write it. “Jesus.”   

  ****

  the first day of school we tried for some pictures, i’m still using my friend deb’s nikon and must have had the settings wrong.
  they turned out dark and grainy. so i got a little more intentional about figuring it out..
  and that afternoon when the kids got home we had a back to school photo shoot by the garage.

  
  
  

  kate, grade 10.
  favorite subject so far, cooking/ nutrition.
  likes school because her friends are there.
  hates business class.
  thinks her math teacher, Mrs. McFail, has the funniest name.

  
   
  
  
  ben, offically grade 8, but doing 9.
  favorite subject, geography.
  hates french class.
  thinks school should start at noon and be over by two. “we’re wasting the best parts of our day!”
  although i really think it has something to do with sleeping in.

  
  
  

  

  emma, grade 2.
  first time ever at school other than “home” school.
  favorite subject, math.
  says she thinks the person who created school must not be very nice.
  conquering one.day.at.a.time.

  

  

  reese, at home with mommy.
  cries everyday when we leave emma at school.
  “emma no. emma no. emma home emma home…” i hear over and over for the first hour.
  likes our read time on the couch just us two.
  and her favorite thing right now is her sock monkey from mamaw!

  

  these precious lives so tender and dear. Lord, give me wisdom to know how to guide them to You.
  help me see when i need to listen more and talk less and in it all may they never doubt they have a mom that loves them fiercely.

  

  amber.

  • 11:53 am
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