October 9, 2012

• {for those times you wonder if you’ve made the right decision}

  
  
  
  some of the fall color as we drove up to shaynes family’s for thanksgiving~

  

  a few weeks ago, at the true woman conference, i was chatting with a group of about 5 ladies.
  we found ourselves kinda randomly thrown together in the search for new seats..
  since our ones from the previous session had been directly under an air vent, freezing us to death! 

  “and you’d think i’d be used to the cold, ” i said laughingly, “i’m from canada!”

  they instantly lit up. we are too!
  and we all squealed and emotionally high fived…
  you know how we as women do when we find those common bonding factors like that.

  what? you like downton abbey? me too, me too!
  and chips and salsa is your favorite food? no way!
  and shut up!! sometimes you stay in your pj’s all day?
  well you are my new bff!!

  and this all with the lady you just met in the wal-mart check out line behind you!! ha.

  but as i turned and walked away from those ladies that day,
  i felt my head kinda cock to the side at the words i’d just said –
  i’m from canada..?

  they sounded a little odd. and yet, somehow, right.
  and it might not seem like that big of deal. but it was to me.

  you have to understand, since moving, it’s been this thing for me that others know i’m not really “from here.”
  it’s usually, we live in canada for now.
  or, my husband’s job took us to canada. followed by a quick, but i’m originally from the states.

  so, for me to say this is where i’m from and just let it be…
  it just spoke volumes to me of the work God’s done in my heart since bringing me here.

  and i was reminded of something i wrote back in the summer but never published.
  it felt too raw. too unfinished. or something.

  and it still feels raw, and unfinished.. and something.
  but in a way i’m more okay with now if that makes sense.

  i think okay with not feeling my mess has to be neater before sharing.
  it simply is what it is.
  and the messier the mess, the thicker God’s grace~

  
  
  august.2012

  when we packed up and moved from all my kids had ever known..
  all i had really known, atleast, for most of my life, i’ll never forget that feeling.
  the smell of those boxes.
  the saying goodbye.

  walking around that old farmhouse.
  the house i thought i hated.
  only to find when i ran my hand down those walls, the love that ran down my heart.
  so many memories there. so many lessons.
  these homes that build us. shape our lives.

  oh, i knew there would be more.
  but nothing prepared me for the pain of the building that’s happened here.
  like being completely gutted out. starting from the foundation up.

  yet. even at times questioning the foundation.
  will it hold. is it able. still strong. still, even there. Lord?

  because when you pack up your life to follow what you think He’s told you to do..
  only to discover in the unpacking, that, wait a minute, these were not the things i put in on the other side. 
  who switched the boxes? this was not the plan! 

  when jobs change and pressures build and bills don’t stop and hope grows faint.
  who knew there could be storms so severe they could nearly blow you wide open.
  and what was found bleeding out wasn’t pretty.
  and when you’re broken, how do hold anything else together..
  your kids. your marriage. your faith.

  and in those times, how can you know if you’ve made the right decision?
  were we really so off? was it all just some sort of joke? did God change His mind?
   
  at the end of the day, truth is, i don’t really know how to know when you’ve made the right decision.
  only this – that because bad things happen it doesn’t mean it wasn’t right.

  right doesn’t equivalate easy.

  why do we think that the blessings of the Lord mean nothing ever goes wrong?
  if anything, after this year i’m convinced the blessing of the Lord is more than ever, when things are not easy!
  because the blessing is the finding Him ..
  in a place you never would have discovered were it not for the hard you’re walking through.

  if i had known that the bottom was going to fall out..
  and all our plans and what we thought we were coming to wasn’t going to work as we thought,
  would i have still come?
  would i still have packed those cardboard boxes and sat soothing children’s questions and loneliness?
   
  no. probably not.

  but now that we’re here i wouldn’t change it.

  i wouldn’t want to go back and relive this past year..
  but it’s like i see the hard of it now wrapped up with strings of thanks all around too~
  it has not been easy. but it has been best. 

  there were days i think we both wondered if we would weather it.
  or, atleast come out weathering it together. yes, at times it was really that bad.

  and maybe we would have reached this point…
  this point of breaking. of so desperately needing Him had we stayed in cincinnati –
  but, i think in our comfort and familiarity there’s a slow fade we don’t always recognize that can happen in our lives.
  until we wake one day and wonder who this is in our bed next to us..
  or why our grown children want nothing to do with God.

  because, maybe, maybe in our comfort we’re just not aware of our real needs.
  trials surface things we might not even know are there.
  and we’re forced to figure out what we believe. and not just what, but why?
  that’s what happened here..
  
  we’ve been snapped to attention with areas that were there all along,
  only.. and i’m not sure the right words are, we didn’t see, as much as, we didn’t want to.
  but when all is ripped from you and you feel spiritually exposed for who you really are, there’s no hiding. 

  i’m not sure i’ll ever fully know how to truly know the will of God.
  what that actually means, other than some canned sunday school answer~
  all i know is when your world is shaken, you discover the only thing that cannot be.
  and He has been our Rock and shelter and is rebuilding in our lives from what i feel is the ground level..

  our marriage. our children. our home. our finances. our dreams. and yes, our faith.
  and though it still feels hard. the hammering of lessons at times seems never ending..
  without a doubt, i can say it is worth it.

  and there’s a new gratefulness growing in my heart for this place.

  because really, right or wrong decision or who gives a rip..
  God takes it all, ALL! every piece, every part. and uses it.
  nothing is wasted.
  nothing.

  ***

  and a slight disclaimer:: i really don’t mean who gives a rip about God’s will. i do give a rip.
  i want, and we want as a couple and family to seek to follow what He gives.
  but i can’t say i always understand the whole “God’s will” thing as it’s been presented
  so often in most of our church teachings~

  is it only one thing like many believe?
  like, this is the playground and you’re only allowed to swing on the swings..
  God has one specific calling on your life, etc.

  or.. rather, like, this is the playground, God’s will the boundaries of His Word,
  but go and do whatever you’d like that best suits you…
  monkey bars. the slide. or both!

  and that’s a huge rabbit trail and all my theology inclined friends are rolling their eyes i’m sure.
  God’s will compared to a playground? sorry guys.

  but really. what this post was about was simply saying, thank you!
  for this place God has brought us.
  and on this day especially, as it’s thanksgiving here today..
  to express my gratefulness for what He’s done.

  a place i felt at one point would rip me apart..
  has actually brought wholeness.
  through His building. His healing. His work!

  so. a few things in closing in this much scattered feeling post.
  you can never be so far out of God’s will that He can’t get you. use you. use where you are.
  i don’t believe a place like that exist.

  and second. if there’s decisions you question, or look back and regret, don’t…
  it’s all part of the journey you had to walk. the journey God ordained.

  and third~ haPpY thAnksGiving!!!

  someone wished me a happy thanksgiving yesterday at church and said,

  “well, i know it’s only canadian thanksgiving and all…”

  and i said, “hey.. canadian thanksgiving or whatever.. any day’s a great day to give thanks!!”

  and all God’s people said..

  
  a rare occasion.. the whole family in one photo~

  
  my sweet sis in law, jen, who hosted us in her lovely home~

  
  
  
  the hutchins cousins, minus two~ all the faces crack me up! 

  {and photo credit for the family pics to jen. thanks for sending them.. TWICE!}
  

  
  amber.

  • 9:15 am
  • 28 Comments