January 23, 2013

• {the day i shoveled my drive}

  
  
  the snow fell all day sunday like a giant sifter of confectioner sugar covering all our happy green with it’s soft powdered white.
  it felt cozy for sunday. sleeping in. making a late breakfast. spending time just our little bunch~
  but come monday morning, cozy was not the word i would use any longer to describe it.
  there were tired kids. and missing snow pants. and taking twice as long to drive to school because mom’s a chicken to drive on the stuff.
  and then remembering why i am and with good cause as i slide through a red light and watch the truck on my left pulling out.
  throwing my one hand up in the air and mouthing as obviously as i could,
  “i-m s-o s-o-r-r-y.. i-m s-l-i-d-i-n-g!!!!”

  and still. he laid on the horn and threw his hand back up at me all frustrated.
  and then i shook my head and wrinkled my forehead and was trying to mouth back,
  “what’s your problem jerk.. can’t you see this is a bit out of my control!!”
  but we had already slid past and i’m pretty sure he missed half that.
  hopefully he got the jerk part.

  after getting all the kids where they needed to be i finally, and without any sliding incidents this time, made it back home.
  only. the snow plow had come while i was gone and there was now a huge pile of snow at the end of my driveway..
  blocking me from getting in.
  i parked on the road. more like in the middle, because that’s about all that was a clear- a thin lane down the middle.
  and i do have a history of going into ditches, so i was trying to stay clear away from those.~

  after getting in the house and laying reese down for a nap,
  i knew i had to move the van and there was only one way i was going to be able to do that. ..
  i’d have to shovel out the driveway so i could get in!

  so i bundled up and headed out.

  i stood for a bit and “evaluated” the project.
  wondering when our driveway had gotten so long!

  i looked around.
  for what i’m not sure?
  some friendly neighbor with his snow blower?
  the homeschool kid from around the corner looking to make a few bucks?
  but the street was empty and still.

  i put my shovel down and pushed the first line of snow across the drive.
  the plastic against the blacktop echoed through the quietness and i was caught off guard by how loud it was.
  it seemed easy at first. and i was already thinking i’d be done in no time.
  then. the snow piled higher on the shovel. heavier. and i could barely lift it at the end.
  i stumbled over the weight and flung it in this big awkward motion as all the snow just blew immediately right back on me.

  i stood for a minute. feeling all dumb and 10 years old!
  i wanted to give up. right then.
  one attempt and fail. done!

  but i saw the van. knew it needed to be moved. knew this driveway had to be cleared.  knew there were no other options…
  so. i walked back across to where i had started.
  hunched over.
  gripped the handle hard.
  and shoveled through the snow once more. 

  back and forth i went across the driveway.
  this haphazard zig zag of a pattern.
  nothing neat.
  nothing that spoke of experience or strength.

  i know i looked every bit the mess i felt.
  breathing heavy. hair sticking to my sweaty face..
  my too big jeans falling down, my sweatshirt riding up.
  and every now and then my foot and the shovel would collide causing me to stumble forward. 

  i looked across the street and saw the old neighbor man watching me out his window.
  i could just imagine what he was thinking, “crazy yank.. doesn’t even know how to shovel snow right!”
  i didn’t bother waving. my numb fingers wouldn’t pry loose of the handle.
  i just sighed and tried to turn my back to the house so he atleast wouldn’t see my bum hanging out of my baggy jeans. {trust me, not a pretty sight!}

  and just when i was about to feel relief that i was almost done. i realized the end part would be the hardest..
  the largest pile of snow. the heaviest. the toughest to get through.
  i couldn’t just keep doing my back and forth zig zaggy thing.
  no. now i would have to stop. stand still. and dig through the deep stuff.
  one shovel full after the other. again. and again until it was gone.

  slowly. and oh, how slow…
  smaller and smaller it became .
  and finally, clear.

  

  later as i sat on the couch. the space heater at my feet. rubbing my numb toes.
  i thought of how parallel shoveling the driveway seemed to other times in my life~ 

  when a storm hits and you’re left to work through the hard of it all.

  how i wish most things in life were as easy as grabbing a shovel and just going at it! 
  though my aching shoulders tell me easy isn’t the right word –
  still, atleast it’s tangible. visible. i could see results.

  what about those things in life where there seems to be none. progress. or change. or chances of anything ever being anything other than you feeling trapped. blocked in?
  some paths, like my driveway seemed to me yesterday morning, feel endless.

  and even though a situation might feel hopeless, it’s not. no, really! i can hear the doubts. i get it. i’ve doubted too and am still learning this..but no situation is hopeless because our hope isn’t determined by our circumstances-
  it’s determined by the Person of Jesus Christ. He’s the only one that can make what seems impossible, possible. and though snow in a driveway hardly compares to the hard of real life – of broken marriages and relationships and health and finances and pressures at work and problems in the world – when you find yourself hunched over and that feeling that you just cannot possibly shovel one more path across, you can! and you can, we can, because just as the snow that never seems to stop here in the north .. His grace never stops pouring down over our lives! never. it’s always falling. always washing over us. always giving us that strength for just one more step. even in times we don’t feel it is. especially in those times!

  God is always present. but He doesn’t always rescue us from the storm. or remove what’s difficult ..
  but there is a way out, which isn’t so much about the situation changing, or even ending, as it is a change in us!
  finding what we seek. what we need.

  like pulling the van down that smooth drive into the garage yesterday..
  that feeling of rest, even in my weariness because finally, i was home!
  
  and i’ve not walked with Him as long as alot of you. but i’ve walked with Him long enough to know this –
  there is a Shelter. a place we only find once we’ve come through the hardest of times.

  and guess what? we woke to more snow this morning!
  the driveway covered once again.
  isn’t that the way of it? storms never stop coming, do they?
  there will always be something in our life that’s tough to deal with.
  but that’s the thing, really – the more storms you’ve been through, the more you remember you can make it through once more.

  so whatever it is you’re looking in the eyes of today.
  whatever is making you feel trapped. blocked in. buried. maybe just plain down right exhausted..
  don’t give up or grow discouraged.
  keep shoveling, girl!!

  ♥ amber.

  

  • 8:58 am
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