September 21, 2011

• {she’s one}
  
  a look back…
  

  her birthday was yesterday.
  and you know what…
  i didn’t even realize!
  i totally thought it was the 21st!!! :/

  kate said to me last night,

  “i thought she was born on the 20th?”

  “no. i’m pretty sure it’s the 21st…”

  but then i had this feeling.
  that sent me peeking at the birth certificate.
  and even when i saw the 20th right there in bold black print..
  i still thought, “oh, they must have put it down wrong!”

  i felt so awful. i cried.

  but. today we just completely played it cool and have happy birthdayed her to death.
  and i really don’t think she has a clue.

  
  

  i told kate that maybe we’ll just tell her she was born on the 20/21st…
  and depending on which day has the best weather each year, she can decide which to celebrate it!!

  oh.dear.
  regardless.
  i still feel bad.
  i’m grateful there’s many things our kids won’t remember we did “wrong” when they were growing up…
  thank you, sweet grace!

  which is exactly what comes to mind each time i think of my baby girl~
  the grace that carried me through years of wanting another child and not being able to.
  of two miscarriages back to back.
  of learning her tiny life was tucked inside mine.
  and then.. the days of thinking it no longer was.

  many of you journeyed all that with me, and clothed me in your prayers.
  i’m sure you remember her story well.

  it’s one i honestly, almost every day, think of.
  when i hear her sing songy voice early in the morning,
  and go and push open the door.
  peering in around the corner at first, unseen to her.
  and i stand for a bit. just watching her…

  
  

  

  and in those moments, often, it all rushes in~

  the day the sonogram screen was dark. empty.
  and we heard the words, “i’m sorry. but this pregnancy has terminated itself…”
  and i lay there with tears streaming out the sides of my eyes and down into my ears.
  going home in a hopelessness and trying to make sense of a God that would give something,
  only to take it away.
  and the darkness that set in. and the most intense time ever in my life of wanting to give up on my faith.
  of feeling it was all too hard. ~ and yet. yet in it all. feeling held. and carried. and calmed.

  and yes. if you read my blog back then you know how it goes…
  that we went back in for a follow up ultrasound, before a scheduled d&c,
  and laying on that same table where i felt my faith so shaken days before -
  became the same place where my faith strengthened and was given sight…
  literally. as yet another blank empty screen suddenly flashed a tiny, fuzzy figure.
  and there she was. with that little fist in the air as if to say, “i’m still here, mom…”
  and yes. again. there were tears.

  we cry alot as moms, don’t we.
  from finding out there’s another life that will have a birth day..
  to stupid things we do, like forgetting the actual date a year later!!
  but these little people so fill our hearts in every way,
  and i guess it’s true that often, there’s no where else for those emotions to go but out our eyes.

  
  

  it doesn’t take long each morning, until she spots me peeking round.
  then. her entire face erupts in that contagious smile.
  and now. “mum.. mum.. mum…” and lifts her arms up big for me to get her.

  sometimes. when i walk in and scoop her up i whisper close to her cheek~ 
  “and they told me you were gone!”

  and she pushes away, because she really just wants to play,
  and as i set her down and she takes off, i watch her go and think to myself – -
  “but how glad i am that you weren’t.”

  how glad i am that He let me keep you!
  little package of so much joy.
  what a gift you are to me and daddy. and ben, and kate, and emma too!
  a life we love and feel humbled to have been entrusted with.

  happy 1st birthday to our megan reese {child of light with an enthusiasm for LIFE!! ~the meaning of her name fits her well!} 

  

  

  
  ·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

  • 6:08 pm
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