January 16, 2012

• {for those times when you feel you can’t}

  there are times in mothering where I seem to soar with courage and determination.
  and times I come crashing down, falling flat on my face, in utter discouragement.

  times I think I must have done this for a hundred years.
  and times I think I’m just beginning.
  times I feel old. and times I feel way too young to have kids this old.
  
  times I thoroughly feel like the mom.
  and times when someone yells, “mom!” I look around and wonder, “who?”

  there are times I tell myself I’m not going to miss these days, someday.
  and times I cry just thinking of someday.
  
  those times I want to open the back door and let out a good scream. {anybody?}
  times I feel I’m not getting through.
  a complete and utter failure.
  then times, suddenly, when they show me they have been paying attention after all!

  times when I think I’ve got the calm, cool mom thing down. and times I feel like such a spazzed out dork.

  times when I’m amazed at how natural it all comes.
  and times. it completely blows my mind at how hard.

  hard to love? never.
  hard to always know how to love. yes.
  love as an emotion is easy.
  love as an action, not so much.

  there are times I get it.
  and times I completely flub.
  times when correction is needed and I’m about to open my mouth with something wise and loving and spiritual,
  when they open theirs with a bad attitude.
  and at those times what comes out at the time is, well…
  nothing like the wise and loving and spiritual thing I’d planned.  

  that’s usually the times I wonder where on earth these obvious needs in my kid’s hearts are coming from~
  and usually about the time I look in the mirror, and.. and know exactly where! 

  there are times I wish I could communicate better what I feel. how I feel. all I feel.
  these hearts I carried beneath my own. these hearts I always will.
  times I wish my heart didn’t feel theirs so strongly.

  “making a decision to have a child-it’s momentous.
  it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ~elizabeth stone

  times I feel I’m cracking down too hard. times I feel I’m too lenient.
  times I feel I’m letting go too soon. and times I feel I’m pulling in too tight.

  those times of knowing some of my decisions will seem like anything but love.
  and those times of just not having a clue how to handle something.
  
  times I kneel beside the couch and cry my eyes out in desperation.
  times I kneel beside the couch with awe and overwhelming gratefulness.
  and times I kneel beside the couch and don’t make a sound at all.
  
  Because at the end of it all. what is really all. in mothering. in life. is falling on my face before The One who holds it all…
  and keeps it all. and knows it all. and is our all. and has it ALL under control.

  My heart grows faint and weak.
  there are days I’m not sure I’m going to miss these days.
  days I don’t want to be in these days.
  days I feel I can’t. and days I feel I do it all wrong.

  even on the best of days. when I feel I’m maybe getting it halfway “right”-
  that still doesn’t guarantee my kids will respond how I want them to. that they’ll “turn out.”
  I can train and guide and direct, and I should..
  but in the end, it is still, and always, their choice.

  it’s not up to me to “produce” godly, outstanding children.
  it’s up to me to live surrendered and obedient to Christ.

  if my kids want a relationship with Him, I think it will be more because they saw it lived~
  and not just heard it talked about or enforced in rules and so called “standards.”

  How I long to have contagious like faith.

  ———-

  I wasn’t planning on making this public when I first wrote it late last night.
  but as my mother’s heart cracked and fell to pieces at His feet,
  I felt His song of love sweeping over my weariness, filling me with hope as I cried, and prayed, and then typed here~
  yes. amen!! He is mighty to save!

  And then I suddenly felt a quiet tug inside that perhaps there are other hearts out there, feeling the same.
  Heart’s like mine that needed the reminder too…
  
  that in our weakness, His strength shines.
  when we fall apart, He binds what is broken and makes it whole.
  when our hearts are burdened, He welcomes just such travelers. for He is rest.

  and on those days we feel that we just can’t do it - as we’re going to do, and often, along this parenting journey..
  it’s okay. because as The Ultimate Parent, He understands.
  He is tender. and kind. and patient. and unconditional.
  Showering down fresh mercies every single day and paving every single step with His grace.

  This is holy ground we’re treading. after all, it’s eternal business we’re about~
  but we don’t need to tread lightly. No, we can come boldly…
  crashing down in all our neediness and helplessness, into His more than capable arms!

  

  • 11:10 am
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