November 19, 2012

• {just a real family with a fake tree}

  
  
  i know. i know. it’s not even thanksgiving and my tree is up!
  but that’s thanksgiving in the STATES.
  here in canada thanksgiving is done.
  like the first of october done.
  so technically i could have had my tree up since then and i had every intention to, only time  seemed always in the way…
  not enough of it.
  finally. last thursday night it was.

  i had it all planned in my mind how it would go…

  i would make waffles for dinner. waffles with raspberries and whipped cream!
  even though we actually all prefer them with plain syrup.
  somehow plain syrup didn’t seem festive enough.
  i set the table up all nice. {and by nice i mean with real plates verses paper ones}
  and i asked ben to make me a playlist of christmas songs.
  because of course, this scene would need background music!

  and i could just see it all in my mind’s eye -
  the soft music.
  the angelic kids.
  the sweet laughter over memories past.
  the excitement lining their faces.
  everyone cheerfully pitching in putting the tree together..
  passing one branch to the next person, then the next, and finally, into the spot on the tree where it goes!

  *music comes to a screeching halt* yes! it’s a fake tree.
  i know that in and of itself kinda ruins this whole picture.
  but let me rabbit trail a minute about my history with real trees –
   
  you see i have tried.. i mean TRIED to get along with real trees throughout my sixteen years of marriage.
  but folks.. me and the real deal christmas tree just don’t mesh!!

  our first year of marriage it was the most perfect tree i had ever seen. bought from the local grocery store parking lot.
  because.. well, when you’re first married everything just seems perfect.
  i remember the hours i fussed with that thing.
  the countless times i tried to make a bow for the top –
  that’s another thing. bows and i. we don’t get along either.
  but somehow.. with a bunch of floral wire and a bit of hot glue i got that sucker to stay on!
  and shayne and i would sit snuggled on the couch each night admiring our little tree…

  but one thing we didn’t exactly take into consideration was putting the tree in the corner right next to the wood burning stove! 
  chalk it up as first time christmas tree owners – but that pitiful thing never stood a chance!
  i would lay in bed at night and listen as the needles fell onto the hardwood floor.
  at first i could count them. one, two. three four five…
  then. it got to where they just fell in one big whoosh at a time!
  and by christmas, we were opening presents around a trunk with sticks.

  our next christmas was the tree that wouldn’t stay up.
  i’d come down each morning to it on it’s side!
  then there was the tree that had some kind of fungus growing on it.
  and then the one that leaked water {unknown to us} every time we watered it and mildewed the carpet.
  and how could i forget our last real tree..
  the one shayne said he’d have to tie to the wall because it leaned so bad!

  and that was the year i headed to lowe’s to buy a fake one.
  cause in my opinion a fake tree was better than a big yellow rope attached to my living room wall! ~

  
  
  and that’s the tree we used every single year after. until.. last year!
  i don’t know what it was –
  maybe pictures on others blogs, everyone happily dressed in plaids cutting down their traditional tree!
  pinterest. magazines. conversations with others.
  suddenly, having a fake tree just seemed so unamerican! 
  and i was convinced that my kids were somehow missing out by not having this experience.

  it’s funny {actually dumb!} what we allow ourselves as moms to feel guilty over –
  and i wonder how many times in my own life what i say is ‘for the kids’ is just a mask to impress others!

  .. so all in the name of “memories” i announce to the family it will be the year of the live tree once again in the hutchins home.
  thing was. nobody seemed that excited. which should have been my first cue that this wasn’t going to go well. ~
  but a few days later when we heard of a place where the government was letting people go in and cut down trees for free – to clear the land, we thought it was meant to be. {we would mean me}

  so we loaded everyone up. threw in the chain saw. a flashlight. and headed out.
  it took us longer than we thought to get there, and by the time we did, it was dark! 

  the flashlight we had was actually one from our neighbor - 
  the kind where you crank the handle on the side to get it to shine.
  maybe we weren’t cranking it enough, or maybe it was really old, but it would only shine for like all of 2 seconds at a time

  so there we were. out in this field in the pitch black with a wind up flashlight!
  we’d crank it up. shine it on the trees real fast and try to decide if that one looked decent or not.

  finally we picked one.
  and boy, had it sure looked pretty!
  in the dark!

  which let me just say the obvious here-
  shopping for christmas trees in the dark is never a good idea.
  
  that tree was a disaster! and it went back out as quickly as it came in!!

  then i heard about an official tree farm…
  a place where you could actually go in the daylight and pick a tree!
  where there were even sleigh rides and hot chocolate and carolers and everything!
  so we headed out one sunday after church to establish our new family tradition.  

  only. it started raining as soon as we got there. a light sprinkle. not too bad.
  i figured it would take us no time at all to pick a tree from the hundreds of options!

  but there were a few things i hadn’t counted on. and i’ll spare you most of the details..
  but just this quick visual of missing the wagon and having to walk from what i think was the complete other side of the farm.
  wet. muddy. tired. frozen. and TREE-LESS on top of it all.
  no one told us because of the drought that summer all the christmas tree farms had puny trees!
  or the ones that weren’t cost a gazillion dollars!! 

  and to let you know the sentiment of the entire family after that day..
  when i told emma the other night we were putting our tree up she hesitated a minute.

  “wait. are we getting a real one again?”

  “no. we’re just putting up our fake one.”

  “YES!” she said pumping her fist in the air!

  so. that is my history with real christmas trees.

  
  
  which brings us back to last thursday night~
  me with my vision of how it was all going to go.
  and i didn’t think my expectations were too high…
  only something slightly. possibly. maybe if you squinted real hard mirroring a normal rockwell painting?

  instead. the evening went down kinda the total opposite.

  quarreling and attitudes and teenagers thinking they’re too big for this sort of thing
  and having to rearrange the entire living room to fit the tree.
  and lights that worked just fine when not on the tree, once on – suddenly don’t!
  is it just me or do you think the light companies are in cahoots with retailers..
  why do you have to buy new lights every.single.year?
  and kate babysitting in the middle of it all.
  and at one point the baby she’s babysitting and reese were both crying at the exact same time!!
  and somewhere in there someone had added justin bieber’s christmas album to my playlist.
  so instead of my soft bing crosby’s white christmas in the background..
  i have the biebs and something that sounds nothing like christmas music at all!!

  and suddenly, i’m grounding everybody and sending them to bed at eight o’ clock.
  babysitting baby and all!
  and then. there i am all alone stringing lights round the tree. {anybody else ever been there?}
  realizing pretty quickly the silliness of it all. the selfishness in me..
  wanting things to go down like a picture perfect painting. something on a card. in a movie.
  with kids all in matching pj’s and smiles and mom and dad looking lovingly at each other over their heads.
  even the dog looks like it’s smiling in those kind of scenes!

  but real life doesn’t often look that way.
  real life is a bit messier. louder. unscripted.
  our gingerbread houses seldom turn out looking like the ones on the cover of the box!!

  and after a bit longer of stringing lights alone i let out a loud frustrated sigh.
  not my first of the night, but now, more at myself than the situation.
  i climbed down off the chair and went around the house collecting the kids and bringing them back to the living room.
  this time i didn’t make them help. just let them sit.
  this time i didn’t care so much if everything went as i thought it was supposed to.
  if the spirit had been a bit dampened.
  this time, it was just about being together as a family.

  not perfectly. but in all our imperfections.
  knowing – i need to be okay with that.
  my kids need to know i’m okay with that.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  and then i apologized for getting upset. and they apologized for attitudes too.
  and as things picked back up i thought of how this is what family really looks like.
  not always the pinterest worthy pose. or warm fuzzy facebook status.
  not the blogs where it sounds like the kids never act up and the mom never yells.

  of course i love me some pinterest and i never tire of warm fuzzies.
  we have a day or two now and then where kids don’t act up and mom doesn’t yell too.
  but i wonder in this world of social media if those things have only widened the borders for more comparison and expectation.
  for people pleasing and chasing the phantom superwoman.~
  for mommy guilt to seep in. the feeling we’re never enough. or doing enough
  and that just maybe.. maybe we are the only family who’s ever fought while trying to make a sweet christmas memory together!!

  i think i can feel you smiling at me through the screen.
  yes. i know we’re not the only ones.

  but that’s the thing. family isn’t about having it all together..
  it’s about what you do when you don’t.
  when tempers flare and feelings get hurt.
  when you feel like a failure and things don’t go as you planned.

  it’s learning to ask forgiveness. mending what’s been broken. fixing what tore apart.
  humbling yourself.
  doing what it takes to bring your hearts together again.

  that’s family. real family. even with a fake tree!

  not the perfect moments.
  but working through the ones that aren’t.
  giving grace. receiving grace.
  coming out on the other side. closer. 
  confident that this group of people within these four walls love you, imperfections and all.

  and that here.. here is a safe place to grow.
  because after all, aren’t we all!

    
  

  

  amber.

  • 3:29 pm
  • 30 Comments