April 26, 2013

• {because maybe our house isn’t the only one that’s had some storms lately}
  
  

  
  it was over a party and whether or not she should go. after all, it was a school night.
  it didn’t start out a big deal. but suddenly, like most arguments when emotions and self escalate, they spiral.
  and before you even know what’s happened it’s all turned huge. and somewhere in there shayne and i are now at odds.
  and what it even started as no one can even remember and the entire house is torn apart, just like that.
  because especially when mom and dad are torn apart it trickles right down through to every last one.
  and i hear the 2 year old expressing what all the rest of us only wish we could..
  standing there at the bottom of the stairs just screaming at the top of her lungs for her way!
  we think we’re so mature to not show our selfishness so blatantly. and yet. are we?
  our silence. our walking away unresolved.. is it really any different.
  it screams the same, “i want what i want!”

  and i stand in our bedroom, looking out through the thin white curtain, the rain falling steadily down..
  so fitting it seems. i wish i could feel that same down my cheeks but, i’m just too exhausted to cry.
  have you ever felt that before? this huge need to cry, but not the energy to do it?
  parenting can do that to you. that soul exhaustion that leaves you feeling you can’t even muster the strength to express what it is you really even feel.
  and all i can do is stand and let out a long sigh. and in that sigh, a prayer.
  it’s only something like, “God, help us…”
  and as my shoulders start to slump i hear this thought back – it’s not as big as all this! it doesn’t have to be. turn round. make it right with your husband. go make it right with your daughter. it’s not worth it!

  sometimes, yes. being the parent means just that, you have to be the parent. you must set rules, lay boundaries, and maybe for no reason you can give at all have to say, no. you won’t win the popular vote. they’ll say you don’t understand. that’s okay. sometimes a temporary wall ends up making a perfect bridge when it finally falls.  but then.. then there are other times. times to just. let. it. go. lay it down.

  and i turn. and his figure in the bathroom door, hair standing straight up on end.
  i tried not to smile. i still wanting to hold on to my mad a bit more. but.. the corners of my mouth broke.
  “have you looked in the mirror?” i asked.
  he leaned back. glancing in. a smile played on his own lips. “and..?”
  “well, you are obviously the total crazy one of this family. you even look the part!”

  he stuck his tongue out.

  “go get your daughter and drive her to that party.”

  “but i thought….”

  then i stopped because i knew.. God had been whispering the same to him as He had me.

  i went down the hall to kate’s room… suddenly feeling so free about it all. like a burden lifting with each foot step closer to her door. closer to making things right.
  walking in i squatted down eye level a few feet away from where she sat on the floor.

  “let’s go, babe.”

  the funny thing when i look back. she didn’t seem a bit confused.
  apparently God was working in all our hearts the same way.
  He does that, ya know…
  without any help from us, work in individual hearts the same as He’s doing in ours.

  there’s times it seems nothing can be fully resolved until we completely hash it through. argue points. go round and round. sometimes that’s what’s needed. sometimes nothing short of a national peace treaty will do. but then there are other times. as i’m learning. that being a good parent isn’t only about holding your ground it’s knowing when not to as well. and why is it we always think it’s the child that needs their will yielded when ours is just as strong and actually might be the problem even more.

  
  
  man! if i’ve learned {the hard way} anything about parenting teenagers so far it’s that humility and taking care of my own heart speaks far louder to them than what we think might be the best sounding lecture in the world! i have been stopped dead in my tracks time and time again when the words coming out of my mouth are words i know i’m not living. my kids see right through that as clear as anything~ that’s why i think parenting is so hard. not because of our kids, but because of ourselves!

  a short while later we all stood in the kitchen.
  the heavy cloud lifted. even the 2 year old happy again!
  as i was about to leave with the older two, shayne staying back with the younger two, the rain still gently falling, but then.. the sun suddenly came from what seemed like nowhere and cast this gorgeous glow all across the yard. 

  as we were pulled out of the driveway, kate pointed. “look!”
  and there, at the end of the road one of the brightest, most vibrant rainbows i’ve ever seen! 

  as i drove we could see it closer. i turned onto a road from the one we were supposed to be on.
  “let’s go chase a rainbow for a minute…”
  and we set out. driving along that country dirt road. windows down. the cool evening breeze blowing in. 

  “it’s pretty crazy when you think about it, mom..” kate said beside me.
  “when we were fighting it was raining and dark. but then when we cleared things up at home, it cleared up outside too. and now.. a rainbow like that! i just think that’s pretty cool!”

  and those tears i felt earlier but too tired to cry, snuck to the corners of my eyes and i blinked hard.
  i had had that same thought..
  the darkness. the heaviness. the storms that come and shake the very foundation of our homes. of our lives. and yet..
  this. the storms do not last forever. there is an end.
  and we don’t always see it during. when clouds hover and rain relentless. when the wind beats down and us bent right over. but there is Light! there is the promise of hope… and sometimes, yes. written out across the sky like that for us to see in full neon color so we won’t doubt it. that He is with us. on our side. He wants us to succeed. for our home to be one of harmony. of peace. of unity. He wants families to be strong. to fight together. He fights with us for that!

  
  
  
  and just as there’s a certain calm that only comes after the storm. that freshness in the air.
  so it seems with the storms of life. though hard to go through. God uses them to wash away what shouldn’t be there. to cause us to see more clearly. and it’s only after a storm that we fully appreciate the beauty of His promises. ~

  this past month, like never before in my life i have felt the storm clouds gathering.
  something so much bigger. stronger. seeking to destroy our family.
  and i have a feeling the hutchins home isn’t the only one feeling that intensity. 
  there’s a fight going on that’s way more than just between spouses or our children – but the enemy of our souls is fighting like all get out to blow our lives wide apart! and.he.never.stops.  never let’s up! 

  and.. wow! how i’ve felt a weariness in the battle lately. i’ve wondered, will we make it through?
  i’ve lost sight and stood drenched in the rain looking up, “God?”
  but this week. and even not so many hours ago i’m feeling a renewed burst of promise, just like i saw across the sky.
  there is HOPE. there is healing.. there is a Redeemer!

  and driving down that country road last night it was really more than a rainbow i was chasing. it was more like a declaration – that i’m not going to stop. i’m running to The Calmer Of The Storms The Keeper Of His Promises. i’m fighting on! satan is NOT having this family! and though we have felt near torn apart we’re not letting go. we’re holding together..

  not because we’re that strong or that spiritual, have that great of marriage or are some stellar parents. but for one reason only – we hold together because we are held by Him. “I can’t tell you how many times I have expected to hit the bottom only to find myself suspended in mid-air, secured by a pair of nail pierced hands.”

  and i feel like a broken record. writing the same thing all the time. but i write to remember. to rehearse what i believe. to declare His faithfulness. and offer out a squeeze to hands across the screen, you are not alone. we have a God that’s big enough! no matter what it is we’re facing.
  

  “He has delivered us.. and he will deliver us… on Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us still.” 2cor 1:10

  His deliverance. past. present. future.
  love that!

  
  

  p.s. and on a totally unrelated but happy little note.. just opened my camera bag and found 20 bucks in the pocket!
  looks like lunch out for reesey and i! )

  happy friday all~
  

  • 10:57 am
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