January 10, 2012

• {decemberings}
  
  The last few weeks have been such a bustle of activity.
  of family visiting. time with friends. parties here. parties there. parties everywhere!
  of just hangin out. and playing. and eating.
  and more eating.
  lots and lots of eating, baby!!
  
  I have this one pair of jeans that I use as my “scale,” since I don’t own a real one.
  When they get snug I know it’s time to crack down.
  Thing is. once I get in the holiday eating mode, it’s hard to stop. {anybody?}
  
  The kids had two full weeks off. TWO WEEKS!! it was great.
  Today was their first day back and man! I missed them.
  
  It’s funny to me, really…
  all the years I struggled with homeschooling the struggle was always over the academics.
  Feeling that I couldn’t teach them as they needed.
  Feeling myself revolt inside that somehow this was part of my job description, to teach them.
  That if I didn’t, then I wasn’t a good mom. a godly mom.
  I can still get hung up on that one. that I didn’t quite “measure up,” so that’s why I couldn’t do it.
  
  
  But all that aside. I don’t think anyone can argue the obvious-
  that for the most part, homeschooling does make families close.
  it’s almost as if it forces you to be. the good. the bad. the ugly {and we know ugly round here!}.
  And there you are.. just your little family unit hanging on. hanging out.
  learning together. crying together {we know bout tears and homeschooling too!}
  Running out for that impulsive trip to the beach or McDonald’s,
  and blowing things up with those science experiments gone bad.
  
  And as I heard the older two knocking around early this morning..
  listened as the door shut behind them, I felt this rip down the side of my heart.
  As if a piece broke off and walked out the door with them.
  
  We were talking the other night and I was asking them how’d they feel about being home schooled again.
  I laughed at myself because, really? Was I the one asking this!!
  But. as I’ve always said, homeschooling might not be my thing, but my kids are.
  Homeschooled or no. they’re still my thing.

  And so I ached a little extra for them today.
  
  I think this must be what it’s like when your kids go to college, get married.
  except they don’t come back at the end of each day.
  And just getting a taste of that since the kids started school, makes me realize this releasing business is no easy thing.
  No matter how much we know that’s what we should do, need to do..
  there will always be that side of us that wants them close.
  wants them here.
  wants them where we can see them.
  care for them. know all is okay.
  
  And as I laid in bed this morning, thinking about all this -
  nearly convinced to fly down the stairs, out the door, chasing after the bus!
  {now wouldn’t that help my case in the neighborhood that christian homeschool moms aren’t weird!}
  I saw something underneath all the emotional stuff. something more serious.
  that if I were to bring Kate and Ben back home now it wouldn’t be based on what is best for them,
  as much as it would be based on what I want!
  And I was reminded again how much of what we can do for our kids that looks like it’s for them.. in turn, is all about us!
  
  But. the same could be true for the flip side too. for sending them to school, right?
  not wanting to be bothered. not wanting them around.  just wanting more freedom.
  
  Selfishness reveals itself in many ways it seems, even masking often in a form of outward godliness.
  
  It’s hard as moms, especially moms, to relinquish control.
  Not necessarily because we are controlling, but because we worry things might not go as we think they should…
  so we devise and calculate and try to figure it all out and help it along.
  
  I often have this picture in my mind’s eye of my hand resting on my kids shoulders…
  and it’s like the Lord walks up beside me and shakes it a little, testing to see how my grip is.
  I want it firm enough that they never doubt my love -
  but loose enough that they never feel I’m holding them back!

  I’ve said to my kids a number of times, “I carried you INSIDE me! In my body..
  I will always feel such intense emotion for you. feel your heart. your pain….”
  To which my older kids usually say something like, “gross, mom!”
  but crazy to think that I, the one who loves them the fiercest, could in turn hurt them the most –
  all because I held on too tight.  

  I know surrender is a life long process of learning to live with my eyes up and hands open.
  A stance not necessarily common in my life, but occasionally I recognize it.
  Like this morning as I heard that front door slam shut…
  feet tromping down the porch steps. fading away. away.
  whispering prayers after them.
  knowing every day they walk a little further still.
  
  ———-
  
  This new year feels especially new as Shayne starts a new job.
  the first time in ten years he’s not been self employed!
  It feels kinda liberating and encumbering all at the same time~
  
  I’m grateful for God provision. always.
  and I want to focus on that first and foremost, and not the other things, like a smaller paycheck! {gulp}
  I know it will be a challenge as we learn to live on less, while still working towards our goal of being debt free.
  But, no doubt too, it’ll be good for us. for me.
  Since my husband would probably never spend a dime aside from food and toilet paper!
  
  My spending habits have certainly contributed to alot of “tense conversations” in our marriage –
  and more than ever I’m determined to get on board with this envelope system thingy. :/ I mean,
  Most of all, bottom line, God has shown me that my security and satisfaction is found in Him alone. not things.
  Though, I’m pretty certain those gray chord Uggs would help me be a better wife and mom.
  I mean, after all, when your feet are warm and wearing something cute..
  OF COURSE you’re happier and function at all things better!!
  
  ———–
  
  some of the snapshots of december~

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  a filter made from construction paper that makes lights appear to be hearts!

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  

  

  
  the other kids were sliding down a icy hill.. she decided to run. love that kid!

  
  walking back from getting the mail

  
  there’s a outdoor rink right across the road… lots of time to work on our Dorthy Hamill routine!

  
  
  baby girl can say one word as a clear as a bell now…
   
  “BOYS!”
  
  it’s hilarious. she just stands there saying it over and over.
  I’ve no idea if she really knows what a boy is or not, but for sure someday she will, and..
  if her enthusiasm for “boys” then is anything like it is now when she says that?
  all I have to say is, “Lord Jesus help!!”

  

  • 1:41 am
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