February 6, 2013

• {a little house cleaning}

  

  

  
  

  i had a wonderful time with my family last week. just reese and i {and my girlfriend summer who’s family is also from cincinnati}..
  quite the adventure. so fun!

  i missed shayne and the other kids terribly.
  and for the first time since i can’t remember didn’t really cry when i hugged my parents goodbye..
  the excitement of getting back here, back to us being our own little family unit again. complete.
  well, that thought outweighed the sadness of leaving.

  
  got to see an old friend i hadn’t seen in 13 yrs. make memories with a new one. and be with my very best one of all!

  

  then came monday.
   
  and with it the reality of mom to four again. wife. dirty house!!
  bless their hearts they had tried to clean it for me. i know they did…
  but why does no one notice those crumbs that stick to your feet around the kitchen table?
  or the dried pee on the floor around the toilet, like mom does?

  so i dove in. determined to get everything back in order. back to functioning smoothly..
  back to peeless/ crumbless floors!

  thing is. fixing surfacy things doesn’t always fix the attitudes of the heart.
  and they affect the home way more! 

  
  
  pretty soon all those sweet sentiments just days before of “can’t wait to be home” were completely forgotten.
  as was how quickly freshly scrubbed floors become filthy again with the first snack someone eats or hurried potty break! 
  and speaking of eating! was it really dinner again so soon?
  hadn’t we just eaten.. like yesterday! but still.

  and the kids. they certainly hadn’t learned to be more patient with each other while i was gone.
  and shayne.. well, his mind reading skills hadn’t improved any either.
  and then of course. doesn’t your period always come at like the best time, never!!
  and suddenly you’re weepy and snappy and everything is even more magnified by those crazy stupid hormones.
  and oh my word, someone PLEASE send me an email every night telling me to wash my face!
  why do i ever think sleeping in my make up is a good idea?

  so. i find myself standing in front of the mirror this morning.
  flecks of mascara sprinkled all around my puffy eyes.
  looking every bit the mess i feel.
  what’s worse.. the mess i am in my heart~

  and i feel my shoulders slump inside. that tug of defeat grabbing at my heart…
  frustration at myself for once again allowing my selfishness to dictate my behavior. the mood of my home.

  and i’m reminded of how i need so much more than just a good eye cream.
  man! i need a renewed heart saturated in His truth.
  because whatever my heart is filled up with is what is going to come out!

  
  

  far more than a clean house and nice meals and everything running on schedule,
  what my kids need most from me {and husband too} is a mom & wife whose yes, often overwhelmed heart knows how to cling to the Rock that is higher than i. 

  having a home that’s in order has it’s place. but having a heart in order is far more important!
  somehow i feel if i ever get that last part right the other will come as well.

  and i don’t know about you. but usually when i’ve had a glimpse of my true reflection there’s the temptation to camp out there awhile..
  groveling a bit in the discouragement of the slow learner that i am.
  ~but that’s exactly where satan likes us to be! to keep us.
  to have us live our lives defeated. reminding us of our failures. convincing us we’ll never change.

  but the Lord sings a different song over us! and oh, if you could hear me right now i’d shout it..
  a WHOLE DIFFERENT SONG ENTIRELY MY FRIEND!!!
  of redemption and forgiveness and new beginnings.
  of a victory already won. and the kind of grace that’s big enough to cover it all. all!
  our inadequacies. our weakness. our mistakes. our short tempers. our pms. our selfishness. our ugliest of uglies..
   
  clothed in His righteousness and set free by His mercy!! 

  i’d be lying to say i really understand all that. that i can truly wrap my brain around it.
  except this – - He accepts me just as i am but loves me too much to leave me that way.

  and so He holds up the mirror. again and again.
  showing me what it looks like to be transformed to His image.
  and i continue to learn.. if yes, ever so slowly.

  

  amber.

  • 4:01 pm
  • 32 Comments