"sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

obviously must have lived life as a monk. a silent one. surrounded by other silent monks.
Because if you live. if you participate in community. engage in relationship..
step foot outside your door - you're going to, at some time or another, be hurt by words.

words that cut deeper than any stick. hit harder than any stone.

Words that wound, and leave scars far longer than physical ones.
scars that scab. but never fully disappear.

Funny, how the smallest bump against them can instantly reopen.
and though perhaps the sting not as potent now, still..
you feel your eyes wince, your heart quicken.
and always the whispering doubt, "maybe.. maybe, after all, they were right?"

Do you notice how we remember the negative words spoken to us far more than the positive?

I know, without question, more good and kind words have been spoken to me in my life -
ask me some, and I might be able to paraphrase.
But the mean, unkind words? I can probably quote verbatim.

they stick to you like a spider's web.
that sense of not always knowing exactly where they are, but feeling them cling.
so you swat, and tug, and pull, because you just.want.them.off!!!

some words stick longer than others. are harder to peel away.

when Scripture says we're to "do good" to those who've hurt us.
what is that? bake a plate of cookies, compliment their hair?
or is doing good just not doing all the bad we might want to?

Like, pull up their prized petunias...
in the middle of the night, parked 2 blocks away, wearing all black, and in a ski mask.
Not that I speak from personal experience.

Sometimes the whole "doing good to your enemies" thing can seem so phony to me.
maybe because I've been on the receiving end of that at times..
that sense where someone really can't stand you, but they're just going to love you to Jesus anyway!

please. keep your good. and just pull my prized petunias.    

But for me, I feel before I can even get to "doing good" from a genuine heart,
I have to first grasp what real forgiveness looks like~ what it honestly is.
I think I do. but I want it to not simply be what I was taught. how I was raised. what I know the right answer is.

I don't want a life filled with the right answers, I want a heart that BELIEVES those answers.

that I have been forgiven much, and therefore, need to give it freely.
but pride clouds my vision of self - 
and though forgiven much, yes. undeserving, yes.
there's that part inside that still wants to stand up and declare the other person less deserving.

and having lived in the pit of bitterness, why ever go there again?
the climb out way more difficult than seminars and books make it sound.
but. there's that part that "wants" to be there. to not want out.
to not let the other person off so easily.
that somehow by climbing out of that pit, the other person wins.

Silly thought that by holding onto our anger we can punish someone.
truth is. they often have no idea.
and we only hurt ourselves more.

They don't "win." Satan does.

He's the true destroyer. and he'll do anything he can to do just that to our lives.
I think people and their words is one of his favorite ways~

I'm sure he'd love to see us persecuted more by the world -
but he knows he doesn't even have to step foot outside the walls of most of our churches!

forget persecution from without.
we're doing a fine job all by ourselves of destroying one another from within.

I'm always amazed at the number of people I've encountered that want nothing to do with God..
and more often than not, because of something hurtful that happened to them by another Christian.

it's sad to think at times that we as Christians don't even see it..
that we're being a TOOL in the hands of the enemy..

and I can just imagine his menacing grin,
the delightful wringing of his hands, realizing how easy Christians have made his job.

of "doing good" as I was saying above, but with the motive of "proving myself."

I guess bottom line, I'm done proving. {or, I so want to be}

the ironic part is that we can spend so much of our lives living and striving for others approval,
when they've already determined long ago in their own mind they were right about us.
so all the proving I could try to do won't change their opinion of me!

it only leaves me exhausted.
and I'm tired of living exhausted.

Shayne said to me yesterday, you need to live for {invest, pour yourself into} those who are going to cry at your funeral.
that narrows the field quite a bit.

I recently was on my old blog, hutch5 and saw what the last entry there says -

"I don't live here anymore. I live here. grace_to_be."

and I stared at those words for several seconds thinking. yes, exactly.

He digs up the hard ground of my heart, tilling newness..
breaking away the old, planting tenderness.

and pain tills the deepest. 

I feel this urge to say that if pain produces that, then I'm glad for it.
but I can't really say it loud. not yet. just a whisper still.
but it's there. the belief. though small. it's there.

right now. I just want to be moldable to His change.
to not, in the process of getting free from bitterness to grow bitter at Him...
to question His Sovereignty. to wonder why He doesn't change circumstances, or better -
change that one that hurt me!

trust is hard in places like this. but all I can do is pick up my own mess and take it to Him.

chasing a dog all over the neighborhood! 

with my six year old instructing me from the end of our lawn,

"i fink he went dat a way, mom!"

{and that was alot of running for someone who can barely run to the mailbox}

Winded and hot I collapsed into a heap on the front steps... noticing as I looked down, the sunless tanner I had used that morning, putting on right before the great chase broke out- well, obviously hadn't had time to dry as it ran down my legs in sweaty streaks!

{for the record girls, Sally Hansen's, Airbrush Legs is awesome. not durable for long runs chasing dogs though, so you might want to take that into consideration}

Once I caught my breath, I stood, picked up baby and asked Emma to please be quiet from her endless explanation, since I'd returned, on where Winston might be, and how we might possibly try building a cage to trap him in ..

secretly, I hoped wherever he was, he'd just keep running. {run, Winston! run!!} 

As we walked into the house, I thought -

"I don't ever remember chasing dogs as being part of my job description!!"

You know, when you imagine all the things about motherhood. what you want and how it will be.. no. I really don't recall anything in there about dogs!

But as my morning continued, with reviewing vowel sounds that seem forever forgotten, and cleaning up nail polish baby girl found in big sister's room, it suddenly struck me that there's actually alot of things I hadn't counted on in my job description as a mom.

When I was young and played house with my barbies - BARBIE never looked stressed!

And when I was engaged and dreamy and we talked of making a family.. OF COURSE my kids were the ones that always obeyed cheerfully, picked up after themselves {without being told}, gave all their allowance to help build orphanages in Bosnia. no wait. actually, they were the kids that were STARTING orphanages in Bosnia!!

I can't say bad attitudes or babies that take their diapers off and smear poop all over their beds was in the mix of what I had in mind!

but as I've learned.. it's much easier to define what something will look like before we actually live it!

I'm not sure anyone can really prepare you for mothering, because no one has mothered your kids~ just as they're each so their own, so unique, so we as moms are as well.

There's a vein of familiarity in mothering, a comradery and sense of community.
but there's also a definite individuality that comes with it too.

YOU are the very mom your kids need!!

no one else. and not how anyone else is doing it. sure we can learn and be inspired from one another, but even in that, we still make it to fit US.

there's going to be some things in your job description, I'm not going to have in mine. and that's not bad. it's meant to be that way. the differences... because it challenges us. builds our faith. to hopefully, ultimately listen to His voice above any other.

Sometimes I think maybe that's a big component to us getting overwhelmed and spazzing out -
we're trying to follow someone else's definition of being a good mom, instead of finding our own from the Lord.

Homeschooling felt alot that way for me.. trying to follow what others might define as good, even godly. what is best for their family. not that homeschool doesn't rock. and I still waffle on any given day about doing it again with my kids.

But, to realize, it's also okay if I don't.
if Shayne and I don't feel that's what God's given us.

Even if that means others thinking at times you're doing it all wrong.. all that matters is loving your kids like all get out, and listening to the voice of God on how best to do that!

to me, that's the truest definition of motherhood. the core inside all the countless everythings that fall under our "job descriptions."

And just as the seasons change, so will the seasons of mothering. as my kids grow. and as I grow too. for different seasons, there will be different descriptions.

there's going to be alot of beautiful, peaceful moments...
but alot of crazy ones too. unexpected. maybe even painful.

Times I'm going to wonder, "was this supposed to be part? I've got some serious doubts... "

But all of it. all. packed in and pressed together deep within my heart is what defines me as a mom. not what defines all moms. because every story is not the same. and God writes originals, He doesn't photo copy. and through the pages of every life, His plan. His purpose. and what He's writing in mine, in this chapter of mothering - all the crazy and all the wonderful. the tears and frustration. the quiet contentment and small joys - those are the things that make me the mom I need to be. to my kids.

even when I feel I've totally blown it. even that, He uses.

all of it is needed as I learn to better parent, and learn to better point them to the best Parent of all! 

by pointing I don't mean fingers. I mean by my life.

and who knows, someday I might even be glad for the part that included chasing a curly haired, nutty dog one hot spring day.

I can't help but to smile, if even just a tiny bit, over it all.

but please, don't tell Winston!


*****

our day got better as we decided to head out to the beach.

just impulsively grabbing my favorite blue quilt, throwing some doritos and oranges in a basket for lunch and going!

the weather was perfect.

I thought we'd have the beach to ourselves. like maybe no one else had such a brilliant plan.
apparently, there's lots of brilliant people in the world! the place was packed.  

people were actually even in their swimsuits, swimming!

Folks, you've gotta understand, bikini's in March are just unheard of around here.
{i wish they were unheard of in every month, but that's another subject}

it feels so good to be connected like that again. enjoying each others company.
to walk hand in hand. to WANT to walk hand in hand.
those who've been there, I know you know what I mean. 

One of the things that first drew me to Shayne was the ease in which we could talk together..
instantly able it seemed to cut past the fluff and go straight to deeper things.
I like that in him. that he's not a fluff kind of guy.
{though i do like fluffernutters, but that's an entirely different thing}

I like how he analyzes life.
how he takes things through the filter of, "what does God think about this..?"

he challenges me in my walk with the Lord. again. like holding hands..
something I feel we had lost for awhile there.
as we both were consumed with our own struggles of faith, not able to draw the other one up.

because you can't pour out what you're not filled up with yourself.
you can't point someone else to Christ if you're not going there yourself!

I had just shut eyes and turned my head, feeling the warm sun beat down on my face.
and then I heard him say it. quiet. confident. encouraging..
 
"ya know, babe.. God is on our side!"

but though I "see" it, I still feel so completely far most days from getting there.
when life's pressures come in and sit down on you heavy, and it seems one thing after the next..
no, I can't say I'm praise Jesusing my way through that all the time.

but I will say. that for today. as I hear Shayne's words come back to me..
I just feel a fresh breeze of resolve blow through my heart -
to keep on. to hold tight. to not give up.

because.

He's not sitting in heaven with His arms casually folded and legs crossed, yawning and checking His nails - -
He's in it with us! the struggles. the trials.
our marriages. our kids. our finances. our health. our whatever it is..
He wants us to succeed. He's rooting for us! helping us. ON OUR SIDE!   

what about you? any thoughts. a verse. a song. as you start this new week?

mind sharing a bit of that LIFE with the rest of us?

and any tips on how to stop a dog from barking all the time? 
yes. that would be life giving round here too.

and it's hard to fathom a day when they won't.

I smile inside looking back.
all those times someone would tell me just that.
how short are the years that fill such long days.

and I'd look through puffy eyes and fight the urge to say, "please shut up and go away!"
but turns out. maybe they knew something after all. because IT'S TRUE!

{long sigh} so much more to say about all this.
about him. and teenagers. and life. and uncharted waters.
of thankfulness and lessons learned and the ever daily cries for grace~but.

the kids are on spring break this week. {yay}
someone has some birthday money to spend.
and we have some partying to do.

so for now.
happy 13th birthday to our Ben~

and moms of young ones reading this..
someday that will be your kid too!!!
they'll cut their own food and go to the bathroom all by themselves, without any help from you.

So. somewhere through all the in and out and digging, Ben and I decided packing the van from the inside was easiest. You just close the hatch and throw it all over the back seat!! of course we actually thought it threw. we had this whole strategy planned - knowing, when we got to where we were going that night, one of us would have to hold everything from inside, while the other opened the hatch from the outside..

and I wondered now if I should go back and fill the border guy in on "the strategy?" 

But, just when I was about to yell, "WAIT! Don't open that!!" 
I saw his mirrored face coming back around.

"Okay," he said, "you're good to go."

I almost blurted, "really?" because for some reason I'm always surprised when we get in without a problem. But as I've learned the hard way, it's best to keep talking to a minimum {remember my "illegal alien" spiel?} and just smile and nod.

I was about to pull away when he suddenly gave a solid slap on the window sill, causing me to jump. I was sure he was about to say, "on second thought..." but instead, I think I saw a hint of a smile cross for just a split second as he said in as warm a tone I think a border patrol guard is allowed to speak in -

"and by the way.. welcome back."

For some reason I felt instantly teary.
and I just smiled and nodded and drove away.

Turning on the familiar I-75, and heading south, the kids settled in and quieted, and I thought of that guy's words...

how that yes, it's good to feel welcomed.
even by a stranger in mirrored aviators and a gun at his side!

I've really struggled with that alot this last year. that sense of where home is exactly. the belonging you long for. of being part. fitting. feeling settled. and I wondered, "will I ever?" But, where tears usually fall, instead I found myself whispering prayers of thanksgiving to God instead - for all these ones that I felt blessed to have in my life. scattered all over the place.

I'm not really a planner. I don't think about things far in advance..
I wish I did. it would save me the crazy-run around like a chicken with my head cut off-last minute scramble to get it all done.
I always tell myself I'm going to not do that. but so far...

So, Saturday. we enjoyed running around like a chicken with our heads cut off..
not really. we just ran to the dollar store. grocery store. and collected everything we could find around the house with a heart/love theme.

here's our little "entrance gate" to the party~ 





Last year, when we had just moved up here, and still in our furnished rental..
I spotted this round table, in a dark wood, one day at a thrift store.
it was 10 bucks. had some scratches. but I envisioned it refinished in white.

I wasn't really sure where I'd use it. we didn't have the space at the time where we were.
and I stood and dilly dallied back and forth on whether or not to get it.
But so glad I did. it's been one of those, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this, turned, best purchase ever~

so far it's been a desk for Ben. a desk for me. a game table. a school table for Emma.
and now, the perfect valentines party table for four little giggly girls. 

All that to say.. if you see something you like and it's a great deal, maybe you should get it-
and figure out what you'll do with it later.  

I didn't have a tablecloth to cover it, but, in a pinch, curtains can work fine too!




I thought a canopy of some sort would be pretty over the table~
so the rigged up tree branch and tulle I have for the little girls bedroom window was brought down.

it's heavy, so I wasn't sure how to get it to stay up.
but nothing a gazillion thumb tacks can't hold.

I ended up making it more of a backdrop vs. canopy..
just in case those trusty thumb tacks came untacked in the middle of the night and crashed down on the table full of dishes!

it's actually still hanging. {oh, the doubters. though I won't mention names!}











Emma helped with every little part..
from handing me the thumb tacks to setting the table.

and her favorite.. filling the candy holders. {i think she was sneaking some bites}




Valentines has to be the easiest thing in the world to decorate for.
really all you need is pink and red construction paper.









We bought little gifts at the dollar store {love the dollar store.. you can find some cuteso stuff for a buck!}

and a little set of four wine glasses, in just the right size. {served with lemonade, of course}






The food~

heart shaped turkey & peanut butter and jelly sandwiches {separate, not together}
and heart shaped cheese. {best investment - heart shaped cookie cutters}






and the sweet stuff~

Now, don't let those cupcakes fool you.
I had every intention of making some myself, but grabbed a box of hostess vanilla cupcakes {just in case}...

I went with the {just in case} plan.
slapping on a little canned icing and sprinkles to make them look a bit more homemade.
it's called, pimp my cupcake.

white christmas lights make any party more magical, don't ya think?









and the guests~

Emma was excited.
of all the kids, she's had the toughest time with our move here.

still being homeschooled, she hasn't met all the friends the other two have.
and at church, it's a big place, and a constant revolving door of new faces..
it's just been harder for her to find one or two buddies to hang out with.

But as I've gotten to know all these little girls mama's..
Emma's had a chance to spend some more time with them as well.~

and I loved being able to help Emma's wish of a party happen
but most of all, I loved {loved} hearing her talk and bond with the girls.
to see as all the shy awkwardness fade fast as true friendships were born.

Tonight when she got home from outback {like awana} she said,

"welp. all my friends were dare."

and that made me smile.

I was joking that we'd eaten so many heart shaped things in the past several days we might begin pooping hearts...
 





*****

and thanks for all the birthday wishes~ it was a good day.
just relaxed with me and the little girls, then dinner and a movie that night with Shayne.

Kate wanted to take a picture of me before we left.
she told me to hold my skirt out.. so I did.

I found this dress on the clearance rack at h&m...
the sign said $10, but the tag wasn't marked.

When I asked one of the sales ladies if it was 10, she said, "no..."
I was about to walk away, when she finished with,
"it's actually FIVE!"  

I was thrilled.
because the behind story is that I'd tried it on back in the summer and loved it...
but it was too expensive, so I had put it back. and walked out a little bummed cause,
I liked that dress!