{oh love that will not let me go}

it's the song I sung at our wedding.
little girls circling about, singing along in their whispery sweet voices.

funny, how I see each section of my life in a song.
as if silent background music plays with each scene that rolls through my mind as I recall.

I often think of how cool it is that God created music.
He didn't have to. but He did. and how clever.
to be able to express how we feel with instruments, with our voices.
to hear others express it for us.
the beauty of it all. and I wonder what heaven will sound like.
when all that talent gathers. and the angels. and the glory of God.
can you imagine!

I die for a nice acoustic piece. a solo guitar.
I love to hear someone who can sing, I mean really sing, just sing.
like watching Adele at the Grammy's last night. or Jennifer Hudson.
there are some that do it so effortlessly and it enthralls me to hear.

I've been reminded lately at the importance of having good uplifting worship music in our home~
I'm trying to do more of that.

because isn't His love the thread that weaves through every part, holding each together.

and I hum the words softly, as my mind traces back those 15 years ago..
young bride singing with all conviction before her husband and God and everybody.
and yet. how I didn't fully grasp those words. not really. not then.
I believed them. but I hadn't lived them. and there's a difference.

and I'm thinking of all this as another birthday of mine blows in here with these cold February winds..
turning the page from 37, to 38.

and Father, thanks for never letting go.

*****

I will say the closer I get to 40..
the younger it sure gets.

do i hear an amen!

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`amber

{ride em or die cowboy}

{at our youth group super bowl party}

HapPy weekend-ing friends.

from here we're looking forward to..
family movie night.
eating pancakes.
emma's valentines party with friends.
mini fest parade through town.
a little extra sleep on saturday.
and having daddy home. 

yee ha!! 

what are some things you're looking forward to in the weekend from there?

{a special birthday and how to answer our critics}

I got home from youth late last night and grabbed my phone as I headed in the bathroom.
because, yes. sometimes I multi task that way.

I came here and began reading through the comments of monday's post. tears brimming my eyes.
once again. just so humbled by those of you who choose to show up here.. the grace you extend.

and then. my husband. there at the end, last of all.
he's out of town. we hadn't talked all day.
oh, this one who knows me most, and yet loves me anyway.
then. the tears brimming, fell.

Do I need the affirmation? I told myself yesterday when my heart began to pound and my throat went tight as it does when we feel judged or misunderstood. hurt. that I needed to cling to the very thing I'd just written - He.is.enough. He knows. that's all that matters.

but insecurity seeps out in places we didn't even know we had holes.
and when I wanted to run to the phone for a friend, or my husband.
His voice to me said, "be still..."

"But I need to explain myself, Lord..."

*****

now moving on to someone I'd much rather talk about than myself.

my dad.

today is his 60th birthday.

How I wish you knew him. I think you'd like him.

he's quiet. even a bit shy.
the boy who used to hide behind the couch when company came to his house..
then the man God called to be a preacher!
Of all the things he didn't like doing the most. talking. is what he ended up doing.

he's not eloquent in his speech. he'd be the first to tell you.
he's simple. direct. to the heart.
he talks in a way where you feel he understands where you've been.

He smiles alot.

he's funnier than most people realize. he has the quickest sense of humor.
when Dad gets tickled. we all do. he laughs till he cries. and we laugh because he is.
he laughs at his own jokes and that makes me laugh the most. I love his jokes.

he has the best stories. like straight from Rin Tin Tin.
oh, the tales of him as a boy and his trusty dog, Rusty!

the time Rusty saved him from the bull in the field.
the time Rusty rescued him when he broke through ice.
Rusty, the faithful sidekick that died from a rattlesnake bite.
he was that kind of adventurous dog.

how the boys and I would love those Rusty stories.
every night before bedtime, "dad.. tell us one about ole Rusty."

and sometimes he would start a story out like,
"well.. there was the time I was living with the Indians..."

and I smile now just remembering.

I miss him.
it's days like today where home seems so far away.
and I wish I were there to go drop him off a chocolate pie, his favorite, and hug his neck.

I called home on Monday to talk to Mom, and he answered.
I don't talk to him that much on the phone.
You know, how it is, girls...
when we call home it's usually Mom that answers. Mom we ask for.
questions about recipe's. advice on potty training. the sort of stuff we need mom for.

he's a friend. we like hanging out.
and since he's not a big talker, sometimes when I'm not either we just sit.
just quietly. together. and it's okay. we're comfortable with the silence. we know there doesn't always have to be words.

there are two things that come to mind when I think of him to share with you...
if I wanted you to know anything about him it would be this.

one night while here at christmas, we were sitting in the living room, just he and I. quiet.
I asked him what he was thinking about and he said,

"oh, I was just thinking of the widows there at our church. I know there's some bad weather coming in and I hope they're okay and  have what they need.. someone to shovel their walk...."

That's his heart. others.

and several years back. after my older brother and I were both married,
he came to the two of us and said he wanted to ask our forgiveness.
we were floored. for what? to us he had seemed to be the perfect father growing up~
but he said because he hadn't always parented us based on what the Lord wanted,
but rather, what others might think.

he cried as he talked about how God had convicted him. brought that to his attention.
we cried as we listened.
and hugged and prayed.
and if my respect for my Dad wasn't already to the roof, it just blew it completely off.

he didn't have to do that. we were fine, weren't we. the relationship was good.
but after that. it took on a whole new level. of realness and friendship.

and because of that. through him. I've learned that one of the most important things I can do for my kids is let them hear me admit when I'm wrong...
because I'm going to be. and often.
I'm going to miss things and mess things up and think maybe I'm doing it right and look back and see differently,
but because of Christ, there is redemption. and though we can't undo things we wish we hadn't done..
we can bring healing and wholeness when we're not afraid to let our kids see our weakness.

my Dad has taught me true strength is in humility.

how I love him.
how blessed. truly. I feel.

Happy Birthday Dad.


and just with all my heart,
sis.   

{illusions of beauty}

Standing in the dressing room Saturday I look in the mirror and feel the familiar assessment play through my mind..

hips too big. chest too small. legs too short. torso too long.

But mirrors deceive. play with our emotions.
reflections of us. but not our real selves.
yet we place alot of value on what we see looking back.

And I know the answer. the expected answer.
true beauty comes from within.
But when you have a young girl on the brink of womanhood following close behind.. watching.
you realize mere words are not enough.

I feel myself take a deep breath as I turn away from the mirror,
slowly pulling back on my jeans and long sweater..
and I think of this huge responsibility of helping to guide her through a culture so controlled by outward appearance.
this illusion that our self worth is found in our beauty. ~

Everywhere you turn you're bombarded with the world's perception of "acceptable."
and if you're 14 and dealing with acne and naturally curly hair that never lays how you want, it's tough.

heck. if you're 37 and dealing with flabby thighs and wrinkles you've no idea how they got on your face, it's tough.

And. nothing wrong with beauty. with wanting to look nice and attractive and well kept.
I think it's good to get out of our sweats and take those scrunchies from our hair.
God designed us as women to just naturally be drawn to things of beauty- 
whether in the clothes we wear or the way we line our canned peaches down the pantry shelf.

Yet in our culture it's hard to find the balance of embracing our femininity..
wanting to look and be attractive,
But. not allowing ourselves to be consumed with the shallowness, and ultimate emptiness, of it all.

So in comes the eternal battle of where we'll seek our security~
in what we are – skinny. stylish. a size 2. awesome hair. toned body.
or who we are!

If we focus on what we are, we will constantly feel that nagging sense of not "measuring up."
You know that feeling I'm talking about.. I think we've all felt it.

They say one of the best things a woman can do to help her appearance is get a good night's sleep.
Well. I think there's a rest that helps our appearance even more than that.
The kind of rest that can't be conjured up. it's merely a bi product of something else~
a heart shaped by grace and saturated in truth.

a real woman of beauty is not striving to BECOME beautiful.
she knows in her quiet center where her worth is found. and in Him, she's enough.

“In returning and rest shall you be saved (rescued. victorious. free. safe):
in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength…” Isa 30:15

And as I slip out of the dressing room, placing all the too small things back on the rack,
I'm determined to not let an ounce of my security get hung up with them.  

genuine beauty is cultivated in a heart at rest with who we are.
and more importantly. WHOSE we are.

And as I look up and see Kate coming out of the dressing room that was beside mine, I walk towards her smiling...
with a whispered prayer, more felt than said, that I'll be able to teach her this with more than just my words,
but with my life~

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{a mulligan day}

I have a couple frozen pizza's I keep in the freezer for nights when it's been, "one of those days."

"You need to get you some of them hormones!" {said in thick southern tone}
 
But the next morning when baby girl let out a holler of,  "maaaaaaam!"
I groaned and rolled over and knew it couldn't possibly be morning yet.

I laid there with a pillow on my head, wishing her back to sleep.
When a few minutes later Emma appeared.
peering over the edge of my bed, hair on end, eyes barely open.
saying without any fluctuation whatsoever in her voice,

there are days I feel like Gumby, the elastic man..
stretching this way with all the emotions and needs of my older two.
staying up late to have some special time with Kate.
But then, stretched and pulled the opposite with all the emotions and needs of the younger.
waking up at the crack of dawn with a little one.

And when friends have kids halfway grown by now.
Long past the poopy diaper stage and no more, ten pounds to lose from baby...
I can feel. well, odd that I have this huge age span. dumb even, as I've had people ask, "what were you thinking?"
and comparison creeps in that somehow everyone else did it the "right way." and we missed the memo.

Even though it wasn't exactly how we planned it to all go down. not that we had a plan.
My only "plan" when we got married was to not be the typical homeschool mom, popping a baby out a year!
Beyond that. I don't know. We'd take what happened.

the whole day I felt blah. a little discouraged. and a whole lot OLD!
and I pushed through my tiredness trying to do and be everything I was supposed to
but by about noon, I was done.
there was no rallying of my heart, "when I can't He can..."
I just wanted to go to bed and sleep for 3 years!

and just when I felt a new discouragement creeping in, at how unspiritual I was..
I remembered something Shayne had said to me once when I was having a tough day.

to close up the school books and lay on the couch and watch Phineas and Ferb.
to let your 14 year old go to her friends house, even though her room is a mess.
to not worry that you're still in your pajama pants and that you ate that extra brownie at lunch.
to play a few rounds of dutch blitz instead of folding laundry.

i learned once you hand a baby a giant marshmallow sucker.. the photo shoot is pretty much done!









Oh, these little hearts that hold so much of mine.
even on mulligan days, and no matter how old I ever feel..
I'll never regret that I have you!





´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

********



 the after shoot look.

{monday night at random}




This morning I ate powdered doughnuts for breakfast...
leaning over the kitchen sink, licking all the powder off before eating them.

I know, gross!
but it's just how I've always done it.

And I drank my milk from a coffee mug.
just because I love drinking from coffee mugs.

we don't even have a coffee maker in the house.
but somehow I feel by holding a coffee mug I'm still channeling that, "I can't wake up till I've had my coffee" thing.

even if it's just milk.
 

someone else likes powdered doughnuts too!

So. If you happen to be wondering exactly how many days until summer..
just ask Kate!

a friend of hers snapped this shot on her phone.

I guess you could say a picture is worth a thousand words.
or in this case- three!

when someone told her that hate was a strong word, she replied, "exactly!"

She started her end of semester exams last week, and will finish on Wednesday.
I'm proud of how she's done in school. academically and {most importantly} spiritually.

Lately, she's into cutting hearts from construction paper.
we have hearts turning up everywhere!




Kate and I decided to do a valentines shoot with the girls today.

here's one of emma. and hopefully I'll get some of the others posted sometime this week.



On Friday Emma and I took a trip to Chapters~
we had fun sitting in little chairs "too small for mom" and reading dozens of books.

Over the weekend, my sweet Sharon friend celebrated her 40th birthday.
And we partied retro style!!

Can you say hello blue eye shadow and leg warmers!







I think Sharon was adorable in her Twiggy channeling outfit.
While the rest of us just looked.. well, let's just say, less Twiggy-ish!



Did we really wear this stuff and think we were cool?
I mean, I know my bangs are awesome, but still.

If you had to choose a favorite thing from the 80's what would it be??

-----------

and thank you so much for the comments and messages on the last post~

when I came so close to not even submitting it..
just feeling I stuttered and stammered about.
not sure if it would come out like I wanted it to.

but once again. you all reminded me what a gracious community this is. {so blessed by that}
and most of all, that I'm certainly not alone here in these trenches. {even more blessed by that}

if you didn't get a chance to read through the comments I highly recommend it.
there's more wisdom and insight in the comments than in the post! seriously.
I read through each one nodding my head. grateful. and brushing away a few tears.

that's why I love the interaction of comments -
the things I wanted to say, but didn't, you say for me.
the things I didn't think to say, you thought of instead.
what I felt maybe didn't tie together or completely communicate, you add the connectors to all the dots!

i love that.
love this huge, ongoing conversation, as it feels to me, of the blog world.

amber.

{the in between parts}

Shayne and I were out for a date one night this week~
finding ourselves sitting in the parking lot of wal-mart. just talking.

funny, I thought to myself...
how many times in our marriage we've sat in random parking lots, talking just like that.

When I think of us, I think of that verse,
"We went through fire and flood, but You have brought us out into a wealthy place..."

I used to have this picture hanging in our room. [i sold it at a consignment store]
"And they lived happily ever after..."
but some times, in hard times, I would look at it and think, it's not really as simple as that!
the dot dot dot at the end kinda bugged me.
like, yeah, fill in the blank. there's more to it than that

the things that we can let our selfishness smother out.
the things Shayne and I had let our selfishness smother out!

Not that there's really any magic list to follow to a problem free marriage-
I know there's many who would say, but I did those things...
I tried my darndest and it didn't work out for me like that.

But no matter where you find yourself in your marriage right now...
it goes in ebbs and flows, doesn't it?
there are good times and tough times and scary times of being tempted to leave it all~
and this is just my way of looking over at ya, with a squeeze of your hand saying, "don't you give up, girl!!"
keep on! you're certainly not alone.

I usually never have a problem sharing what's going on in my life~
but, this past year as Shayne and I have struggled in our marriage...
that's been the hardest thing ever for me to open up and be honest about.

It just lays there. uncovered. open for others interpretation.
and always the insecurity, "what if they interpret it wrong?"

I'm trying.      
 

amber.

{just part of the family}

Playing 20 questions with Emma in the van as we headed somewhere Saturday..
It was her turn.

"I'm finking of a person," she said.

"Are they in our family?" I asked.

"Yes, " she nodded.

I'm pretty sure I've exhausted the list of single guys in our family.

We pull to a stoplight and I turn round, glancing back at where she's sitting...
hat pulled down snug to her eyebrows, coat zipped right up under her chin.
I see if I can catch a glimpse of teasing in her eyes.

"Are you sure they're in our family?" I look at her searchingly.

"I'm pos-ti-tive." she says with her hand hitting at the air for added emphasis.

A few more guesses and finally, "I give up baby.. I have no idea."

And in a tone that indicates how obvious and easy and I should have known this one all along,

"It's Jesus!" she lets out.

"But you said they were in our family!"

"He is!" She answers wide eyed and serious. "You told me Jesus is always wif us..  so that means He's part of our family!"


Well. silly me. of course He is!!  


----------------


thinking back over that conversation today and smiling.

glad He is.

here. with us. more than just a part. the center that holds all our parts together! 

amen.


"But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.
He will not leave you as orphans; but will come to you... . jn. 14. 17&18

----------------

she likes to help w/ the laundry~ the 3rd pic is what we call her platypus face

trying to play with some window light

great find at a thrift store~ we love Little People! {the toys AND the real ones too!}

wonder where she picked this up from? though i promise.. i never chew on my camera

a little skating date w/ ben. love that kid. he's giving a speech today. i'm nervous for him!
 

sunset last night

we get the prettiest sunsets across the fields here

new favorite spot to sit

I've been trying to teach emma a few simple songs on the piano..
Reese likes to climb up to "play" too.

Perhaps if the whole photography thing doesn't pan out {i.e. learn to stop chewing on her camera!}she can resort to piano!

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{kate's room}

thanks for laughing with me over the hair in the last post!
I did call the stylist and she said she'd fix it...
though I'm a bit nervous how the "fixed" hair might turn out.
but really. it's not that big of deal, or atleast I don't want it to be~

my friend, carrie. cancer survivor! and inspiration ~

kate loves burning this little lanterns at night~ it creates such pretty shadows on the wall

her "nichole" daybed~ given to us by a special friend!



little things around that are reminders of what she loves

kate dreams of going to paris someday~

and of course, she loves the ocean~ or anything by water!

For the curtains we just hang a couple of doilie table runners across the window..
then cut strips of fabric from an old curtain and created a scrap banner of sorts across the doilies.
Kate was really pleased with how it turned out~

some of her favorite books through the years~ 'never say die' a book about gladys aylward was mine when i was a girl

this old telephone table used to be my grandma's~

most of all what I love best about this room is seeing this girl in it~
love hearing her music blaring out.
opening the door and seeing her laying on the floor working on homework...
looking up from that ponytail framed face with a, "hey, mom!"

I'm so thankful to have a daughter that I not only love, but like being around!
so cool to see that friendship that grows with your kids~ what a blessing.

have a wonderful weekend friends~

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{apparently orange is the new blonde}

"But he promised it would turn my hair a beautiful raven black...." Anne said sorrowfully.

"Who did?" asked Marilla. "Who promised?"

"The peddler we met on the side of the road today!" Answered Anne as she let out an exasperated cry and fell into a heap on the bed!  - from Anne of Green Gables



yes, Anne. I understand! :/

and when I mentioned the color to the girl before leaving the salon, she said to give it a few days -

 

happy thursday all.

signed.
Carrots!