{chasing supermom}

Most days I wonder what on earth ever happened to my superhero cape.
You know, the one you have custom made with your name in glitter across the back before you ever have kids!!!

I've convinced myself if I ever get to the bottom of my laundry pile, surely I'll find it!
But really. I seriously think the lady next door stole it!!

I don't know about you, but  it seems I live my life between two extremes -
of feeling like a complete, total, utter failure as a mom...
or. feeling kinda sorta halfway successful at it.

Each night I lay in bed and do inventory over the day.
Mentally placing things in the good, bad, really bad boxes..
feeling thankful for fresh starts and new days,
and praying for grace and more grace.
{and that the money my kids are saving for college won't be spent on therapy instead!}

street hockey on the weekend

But. lately I find myself asking, "who comes up with this stuff.. ?"
I mean, what determines who/ what a "supermom" is?
 
Is it in what we accomplish everyday?
how our homes look, what our kids wear, the food we fix, or how many hours we exercise?
Is it really in all that we DO?
Because I know that even in the DOING of what I claim is for my kids-
I can in reality, actually be neglecting their real needs in the process.

Of course it doesn't mean we sit on the couch all day watching movies, reading books, and eating cookie dough with them.
{that's only on snow days!}
Obviously, things still need to be done.

At times I laugh when Shayne tells me to relax about the house
"oh, trust me! you don't want to see this house in "relaxed" mode!"
You wouldn't be able to walk through it..
dishes piled to the ceiling, laundry spilling out the windows.
And don't even get me started on the toilets!
Perhaps if peeing ever becomes a sport, boys will learn to improve their aim!

But, there's just always something that needs to be done.
something only mom can do, or atleast do in her mom kind of way~   

a little lunchbox note

It's a tender balance. One I forever struggle with..and probably forever will.
of the urgent wanting to drowned out the important.
The demands of the daily mundane, maintenance type things of being mom,
contended with being sensitive to what's going on beneath the surface-
even if the above one is spic and span and LOOKS as it should.

But whenever I find myself struggling with this whole supermom syndrome -
it's usually only for one reason.
because my heart has shifted focus from looking up. to looking out.
and I'm allowing others to define what/who I need to be instead of the Lord.

We live in a society like never before where women do everything. and well!
We're surrounded by brilliant, smart, savvy, apparently successful women from all different walks of life.
And it's so easy to fall into comparing, which only results in soul suffocating emotions either way -
either puffed up and arrogant. or dejected and insecure.

Of course blogs have only helped feed the supermom frenzy.
Where we used to only look to those women right around us,
now we have opportunity to see inside hundreds of homes..
and geeze-la-wheeze is it just me, or can every woman in North America write and take pictures?

Not to mention sew, cook, bake, make Martha Stewart equivalent crafts..
all while reading her Bible and grinding her own wheat at the same time...  
leaving me to wonder at times how everyone else has managed to keep their superhero cape in such tact but me~ ?
Like, they must have a special closet they hang it up in each night.
Or some.. some I'm pretty sure even SLEEP in them!!

but even as I joke about all that, I want to be quick to add that we need to be careful about assumptions in the blog world.
to remember we're not seeing the whole picture. there's always more.
and I don't mean more as in "bad." just more...

We've no idea what in the world that woman is really going through.
maybe behind her pretty house is a home being shaken by financial difficulties or a rebellious child.
Or, maybe behind her pretty house is a home solid and filled with love.
but either way, she has her own struggles, her own hurt, and hard to deal with.
and just because she doesn't share all that doesn't mean she's superficial, or in denial, it's just her choice.
same as it's ours to choose to share the junk, if we want.

I think if the 10 commandments had been written in today's day and age,
surely God would have included one that said - "Thou shalt not judge thy fellow blogger!"

telling daddy goodbye in the morning

Truth is. there is no one who has it all together~ because we are all broken people.
It's supposed to be that way, or we wouldn't need a Savior!
 
And there's no one who does it all, and gets it all done.
Even those who sew, cook, bake, make Martha Stewart equivalent crafts...
all while reading her Bible and grinding her own wheat!
Which I'm sure they'd be the first to tell us, when we see them accomplishing ONE thing, there's a dozen more they haven't.
It's the same for us all - there's only so much time, and it's a trade off of where we choose to spend it.

Like, in the time it took me to write this post-
I might have dug out that superhero cape from the bottom of my laundry pile!

I used to agree when I heard people say, "well.. there's just always going to be someone better..."
and yeah.. I guess if we're talking about being a brain surgeon or figure skater.
But I ask myself, "better than what?" What are we comparing ourselves to, and why?

Life is not a stinkin competition.

There's no Mommy of The Year Award, or Most Spiritual, or Best Decorated Home on the Block..
{okay, maybe that last one, just at Christmastime!!}

It's not a competition because we are all made in the image of Jesus Christ !!!
And girlfriend, it doesn't get any better than that.
He has equipped you and gifted you and given you all you need to be the best you!
the YOU that your kids needs. that your husband needs. that those around you need.
that's the beauty of it. God's design and creativity and diversity.

How boring would it would be if we all did crafts like Martha Stewart~
we need a few of the popsicle stick crafters to keep the world interesting!!

Sure we should learn and grow. which means we'll change.. I hope I do.
I think the Lord is always opening our eyes to new areas of need.
But I guess that's the difference. whether our change is based on following Christ, or following after what society,
or even our Christian circles tell us our success as moms, wives, women is based upon!      

at the end of the day it doesn't matter what the woman next to you, or across the screen from you is doing..
it matters only that you listen to voice of the Holy Spirit leading YOU. and with a sincere heart try to follow that.

our family through emma's eyes

Ya know. we as moms are tired alot!
and I get that some of that is just seasons of life..
but some of it, I find for myself, can come from chasing after that illusion of the supermom I think I need to be.
And even when I catch up to her every now and then, what then?
She just takes off at an even faster pace and there I go again...
exhausting myself over something that isn't always based on truth~

I'll never forget my dad sharing with me once how a good way to tell when something is truly of God ..
is whether I feel I'm being led, or driven.
A shepherd doesn't drive his sheep from behind and cause them to be in a tizzy over which way to go, what to do.
He walks out in front, and just calmly leads.
If I'm feeling frantic and bogged down and looking all around, I'm pretty sure it's not the Lord I'm following.

I want my eyes to be lifted from those around me.
To remember that I'm not running the race of life against anyone- but for Only One.

And though some run differently, hey, that's what we're all doing here.
not against each other. WITH each other. just plugging along together.

and I want what I'm "plugging" towards to be what God has for ME.
not some illusion of a woman that's only been bred through my own insecurities and comparison.
And, what I feel in my own life boils down to a lack of faith -
of not being willing to trust that God is enough and can supply all I need!

so. at the start of this new week I'm challenging myself to just.stop.
let that supermom woman run her brains out...I'm done chasing her!
And if I ever do make it to the bottom of that laundry pile and discover that missing cape, I'm going to burn it!

Women of the 70's had their thing to burn.. and I think this is ours!

goodbye comparison.
hello face of Jesus.

help me be the best me I can be to those you've called me to serve~

"The gospel is not a message about doing new things. It is a message about being a new creature. It speaks to people as broken, fallen sinners who are in need of a new heart. God has given His Son to make us new creatures. He doesn't do face lifts - He does open heart surgery. He produces change from the inside out...."

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{this moment}

from a sunny 60 degrees yesterday to waking up to this today!

emma and i have declared it a SNOW DAY for school.
which of course has to be spent in pj's, cuddled on the couch, reading books/ watching movies..
and maybe, there might just be some chocolate chip cookies in there we make - just to eat the dough!!!

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{going with the no plan, plan}

The past few weeks have been gorgeous, and I find myself wanting to just soak in the last bits of warmth.

The leaves are falling methodically outside, like sand in an hourglass,
leaving the trees bare and dark against the gray winter sky that's slowly creeping in.
They say there could be snow this weekend. And somehow, I find myself not really minding.

There's something about that first snowfall. It just never loses it's magic.
by about March or April? Oh yeah, the magic's definitely gone, baby!!

A few weeks back, on a Sunday afternoon...
Shayne and I decided to take a ride to find this place we'd heard about with some cool waterfalls.
Once the baby was sleeping, and the other kids were cozied down in front of the old Don Knotts classic, "Shakiest Gun In The West," the two of us headed out.

I was still in my cream colored skirt from church, and new, hundred buck Steve Madden grey boots from Macy's-
I had bought them with a gift card for shooting a friend's wedding back in the summer.
I didn't really feel like changing into jeans, didn't see the need if we were just going to be standing looking at a few waterfalls,
and quite frankly, I often prefer skirts and find them more comfortable.

We enjoyed the long drive that wound us through the back roads of farm country..
reminding me of the hills of Tennessee, and giving me a sudden craving for Cracker Barrel!

The leaves were still full and bright and the sun bounced off their color in this glorious patch work like quilt display.

We drove, not exactly knowing where we were headed.

I love drives like that~ just going. Not sure where you'll end up.
We talked quietly between ourselves. and sat, not saying anything at all sometimes too.
I thought at one point about the comfort there is in just being with someone.
when silence is okay and there's that sense of security that comes with familiarity. ~

Finally, when it seemed we were in the middle of nowhere, which we were.. we found the place!
The ravine cut out between the rocks with a long, narrow waterfall spilling over the top. beautiful.
We stood for a bit taking in that one, and then asked some people nearby where the other was.
They motioned further down the trail, so we headed in that direction.

After a ways down Shayne asked,

"you sure you want to find the other one.. we're not exactly dressed for a hike! especially you..."

Yeah. I kinda clued into that by the up-down looks of those passing by.

"just a bit more..." I said, waving him on with my hand.

We asked an older couple coming back up the ravine how far it was to the next falls.
As the man talked to Shayne, the woman stood there smiling at me with this look of half pity/ amusement on her face.
I smiled back and tried to act all nonchalant. I mean, hadn't she ever seen someone hiking in a skirt and dress boots?

After they were gone Shayne said it was about 6 kilometers away, which sounded like alot.
But when he explained that's equivalent to about 3 miles, it sounded much more doable.

"It's totally your call, babe." He shrugged. "We can head in that direction if you want..."

I pursed my lips and tried to imagine how far three miles really was.
and then looked down at my nice new boots and felt some hesitation, but..
something in me suddenly rose to the challenge, regardless of frilly skirts and improper foot wear.

"Let's do it." I said. Sounding all Amelia Earhart in my enthusiasm!!:)

And. off we went.

The trail was wide at first and fairly easy. Oh, this was just going to be a nice fall stroll in the woods.
Then. it grew steeper and more narrow, and carved with tree roots everywhere that made it hard to maneuver.
More than once my feet got tangled in the roots and I nearly did a face plant.
Shayne would only laugh and shake his head, sight that I was, church clothes and all,

"Only you, girl.. only you!"

but I love that he doesn't mind my often crazy half brained impulsive ideas~ 

So we trudged on, and I could just picture how grand and glorious this waterfall that the old couple had called "the pretty one" was going to be..
but suddenly, the woods seemed to disappear, and we found ourselves on an old dirt road, in the middle of nowhere.
Standing for a minute looking side to side, we finally did what any good non experienced hikers would do..
assumed the road led to the falls and started walking!

After quite a ways down though, we began to wonder.
from the few pickup trucks that passed, slowing way down, turning their heads nearly backwards to look -
it told us maybe the locals weren't really used to seeing people out there "hiking."
Atleast maybe not in church clothes.

Another half mile and pickup truck later, we decided we better turn around.
Especially when Shayne started calculating how long it had taken us to get to where we were,
which meant it would take atleast that long to get back,
and it was getting late in the afternoon and dusk was already rolling in.
I had already been a little jumpy about possible bears or wild moose lurking in the shadows,
so the woods in the dark did not sound appealing.

As as we turned around and headed back up that dirt road, it all suddenly struck me so funny.
Us out there like that. On this quest to find some waterfall that was whoever knew where or what.

I started laughing... and laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants. which I'd had to go for hours!
{guys totally have the advantage on that one in nature!}

"how like us, " I told Shayne. "how like life..."

And as we walked, racing daylight, not remembering the steep trail we'd come down, would be the one we'd have to go up to get back...!!
I thought of how when things don't go as planned, that sure, there can be all the trying to sort it out and process it -
to even over spiritualize and analyze something to death.

but sometimes.
sometimes you've just gotta laugh and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

So what if it wasn't "the plan." Improvise and come up with a new one!
we can't change our circumstances, but by golly, we sure can change our attitude!!

whether it's the big stuff  like job changes and moves, or financial pressures, and health problems..
to the smaller ones like a simple field trip to the library turned disaster when baby flips out of her stroller,
screaming at the top of her lungs, while the six year old breaks into unified sobs that we now have leave, though we just arrived...
as those around you look with that "i wish she'd shut her kids up" kind of look. {true story}

But, as my new hundred buck gift card bought Steve Madden grey boots from Macy's reminded me..
now totally coated in mud from our adventure- life really is the journey, not the destination.

And. maybe being all laid back and rolling with the punches comes easier to you -
for me, it's a conscious effort. a heart decision..
of purposing to simply ENJOY wherever the path might happen to wind today,
even if I never get to where I thought I was headed to!  

That afternoon could have been one of blame ~
"I thought YOU were watching the little white marks on the trees..."
"And I thought YOU were..."

or frustration and self pity~
"Why doesn't anything ever seem to go my way..."
"I'm sure no one else has ever gotten lost like we did..."

or robbed of the joy of now by worrying over what others were thinking...
"What in the world is that girl dressed like that out here..."
"They must be American's or something..."

Instead. when I chose to relax and just accept what was, the whole experience was way more delightful!
sure. I would have liked to have just found the falls, the normal way!
To not get lost and walk for miles in the opposite direction, to end up a sweaty mess, with dirt on my skirt and scuffs on my new boots...
but. life is what it is. and we can live it one of two ways -
miserable and complaining and self focused.
or. determined to make the most of it, having fun along the way, and simply looking for the good and being grateful!!

do you see what the above picture spells?  we had fun trying to find the letters!

I want the second way to be what defines me.
To learn to better embrace the plan B's of life...    
or, as my friend Jen says, "the no plan, plan!"

****

We did finally find those falls after all.
on our way home we DROVE past them!!

And of course we laughed...
there we were out walking and walking, when the whole time we could have just driven!!

It was nearly dark by then.
but we got out to have a look~
and even climbed down a rope that was johnny rigged up to some rocks, to get closer to the falls!

again. I found inspiration in the thought that even though it didn't go as we thought...
we DID eventually end up where we wanted!

I'll long remember that afternoon together, and I think in times when I'm tempted to give up~
it'll motivate me to keep going...
always pursuing and going towards The One that can provide living waters, where I'll never thirst again! amen.

****

Hope you're having a good week..
it's been a crazy one here. {which, when is it never, right!}

But, leaning back into His grace and trying to just roll with the no plan, plan!!

and. by the way..
I wore the red!

can you see the little face in the window to the left!

Thanks so much for all the happy wishes and encouragement for our anniversary!
grateful for the incredible group of cheerleaders God's put in our lives~
your voices here are some of the loudest!!! {{thank you}}

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{kindling}

i came home late wednesday night and walked into the kitchen...
letting out an inward groan at seeing every.single.one.{or so it seemed} of my dishes piled on the counter.
growing up we never had a dishwasher.. i've never had one in marriage either.
dishes have never been one of those things i minded. you just do them. no big deal.

but i don't know what's going on since moving here...
i swear that sink has some kind of magical power for GROWING more dishes!
either that or a neighbor is secretly sneaking in and adding their dishes to ours...
which seems much more likely than magical sinks.
 
there is just always. always some sitting there to be washed!

shayne was at the table helping ben with homework..
he must have noticed the slight head nodding i was doing as i took mental inventory of numbers,
and assessed how long it would all take.

"babe. why don't you get a bath and just go ahead and lay down."

"i'd really rather have these dishes done!"

"don't worry about them. the kids can do them after school tomorrow... they can wait till then."

i let out a sigh, knowing the food on them was growing harder by every unwashed minute.
but, i really wasn't in the dish scrubbin mood.

so i trudged upstairs, poured a nice hot bath,  and relaxed...
laid there thinking of all that needed to be done the next day.
with, of course, conquer dish mountain right there at the top of the list!..
when there's that many, i tend to feel bad asking the kids.

i mean when i hate it as a responsible, mature 37 year old.. how do you expect they feel!

suddenly though, i found myself becoming overwhelmed just thinking of all that needed done...
know what i'm talking about?
that sense of being defeated, before you even begin.
of being tired even though you've just woke up!

the biggest deterrent to me in homeschooling has always been housework.
i've just never learned how to sit among the mess and teach, and not let it bother me.
i'd rather clean everything up THEN teach.
thing is, it's never done! right? there's always one more thing.
and when your classroom is the kitchen table it's hard to ignore the crumbs crunching under your books!

i've really been trying this year to do school first - then, house.
but it's a daily struggling of learning to balance the two.
that's why i prefer to do the dishes up at night, or fold that last load..
you know there's going to be fresh messes everyday,
but the idea of waking up to leftover messes.... ugg! :/

a while later when i was laying in bed,
every now and then i could hear what sounded like the clang of dishes.
not quite sure if i was willing them done or...

and when he finally came up to bed i said,
"were you down there doing all the dishes?"

he just grinned. "i thought you'd rest better if you knew you didn't have to wake up to them..."

i smiled back.
one of those contented wife smiles you smile when you realize, "he knows me well."

and i thought to myself, "this. this is what real love is about."
when we put legs on our words and our actions back up what our mouths say we believe~
that selfless love is the only kind of love there's room for in a marriage.

{thanks, babe}

*****

i had my wedding dress out on our anniversary.
it used to be all sealed and preserved neatly in a box..
but, then a few years ago when kate asked to see it i decided to get it out.

after all. i'm pretty sure all my girls will want their own dress.
and i want them to. not that it isn't special to wear your mom's dress -
but, then there's something about a dress that's just YOURS.

{twirling and tripping and falling.. i told her i hoped she got a bit more graceful by the time her wedding rolls around}

i kinda think maybe when the time finally comes {when they're about 45 their daddy says}
we'll rip it apart and make veils or lace hankerchiefs, or a ring pillow.. that sort of thing.

but for now. it makes a fun dress up dress to put on and talk of the day mommy and daddy got married,
and twirl {and trip} and dream of their own someday.

{she wore it almost all day yesterday}

*****

i stenciled the number 15 on this pillow..

i found the pillow for 2.98 at target.
my first attempt i did with spray paint, and that went everywhere!
so, i just flipped it around and tried again on the other side...
this time with just a paint brush.

it's didn't turn out perfect. but then i thought, that's perfect!
neither is our marriage.
but it's us. and who we are. and i kinda like all that this lopsided, messy edged 15 represents!

i think it would cool to do a number pillow for every year of marriage~
some of you would have your entire bed covered!!    

*****

it's a gorgeous day here, sunshiny and cool fall breeze.

i'm so excited to go on a date with my man tonight!!
yesterday i was trying to decide what to wear..
i want to remind my husband i have more things in my closet than my black,
no, they're not sweatpants they're "lounge pants," pants!!

so, help me out girlfriends~ which one gets your vote?? {i think i'm leaning black..}

basically, i have two colors in my closet  - black and grey.
i think i need to branch out a bit. like the yellow shoes in the last post!
don't know what it is.. i'm just always drawn to the dark side.

okay. here's my choices::

1.red

2.black

3.black with pink

4.mod {i bought this at the thrift not sure if i thought it was ugly or cute. but it's something different than what i usually wear& cute w/ leggings & boots}

5.blue


looking nice for our husbands is just a small way i think we can communicate to them our relationship matters~
i'm reminded over and over that it's being intentional in the little areas that matter most. 
toothpaste on my toothbrush?? exactly.  

sure, the big logs keep a fire going,
but it's the small little pieces of kindling that get it started to begin with!!

so...
here's to keeping those fires burning hot!!

have a great weekend~

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{our 15th anniversary}

i had this whole long post written out earlier but ended up deleting it because it didn't feel right...

about getting up early this morning with emma, who wasn't feeling well, and wanted a bath. and as i sat next to the tub on the toilet {sitting, not going} and watched her huddle under the warm bath, i thought of how fifteen years ago, on my wedding day, i'd huddled under warm tap water the same way first thing that morning...

and i couldn't help but to smile as i looked into her little face. how i never knew back then all that our lives together would mean. and especially, these four precious souls our love had created and what joy they've nearly burst my heart with a thousand times over~

and right there, sitting on that toilet seat, i had a thanksgiving party in my heart as my mind rolled back and played so many memories of His goodness from over these past fifteen years.

i wrote too about how i never really liked that saying, "it just keeps getting better and better," because, what if it doesn't? what if you hit a halt in your journey. a rough patch. and a no. actually, you feel you can look back to better times than this? so to say "it keeps getting better..." is that always honest?

but then. as i learned this past year.. i'm not sure if "better" actually means easier. like, maybe the way i thought it did...

maybe better means deeper. less superficial. more real. more connected.

maybe better means moving beyond the warm fuzzies of love to discovering the true tenacity of love.

that better isn't never hitting a rough patch or going over a few bumps that seem certain to throw you both out all together - but better means knowing how to hold on harder. stronger. in the real of life. and in the for better or worse kind of way.

better is being able to say we're maybe not where we once were, and we're not where we want to be - but by His grace - goshdarnit. we will be there again!

better is knowing no matter what, you're going to make it - you two. that the good far outweighs the bad. that at the end of the day you know there's no one you'd really rather be doing this life alongside of.

better is slipping your hand into the others and holding on. no matter what. holding on.

and in light of that kind of "better." yes. things do keep getting better and better.

i had also written about never finishing our love story here. and of taking all the kids, plus one neighbor kid, with us out for dinner at bamboo tai. {we'll celebrate for real on friday}. 

but really. instead of all the above i really just wanted to document this quiet celebration i've been feeling all day - and this last week leading up to it.
a celebration of holding on.

holding on to each other.
holding on to Him.
knowing ultimately that He Is The One that holds us {all things} together.

and can i just add - because i feel this so strongly just now as i write... if you're going through a tough time in your marriage can i just shout through the screen an encouraging, "keep holding on, girl!"

keep holding.

i know it can be tough. and our grip grows weak for many reasons.
but....

there is no night so dark where His light isn't brighter still.
no pain too great where His grace isn't greater.
and no place so hard and buried far inside you where His love cannot reach.

you are not alone.
we are not alone.

as Christians couples we need to keep holding.
to each other. to the Lord.
and remind one another along the way to squeeze tighter!

grateful for 15 years of my hand in shayne's.
and praying in this upcoming year and the next 15 ahead, i keep learning what it means to truly hold on!   

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{fake family}

"Do you have a fake family? I do. It’s the one I made up in my head and it gives my real family an impossibly high standard to reach. My fake family never fights during game night, they sweetly try a few bites of everything on their plates, and they never leave their dirty underpants on the bathroom floor..."

full post & link here.

i found it hilarous and sobering..
great perspective for a monday.

i'm thinking there's like a whole neighborhood where our fake families live. but...

"I suspect one day our kids will not recall the laundry piled on our couches or every little time we blew it, but I hope they carry into adulthood the security that they were wanted, they were adored, they were cherished, and they were loved. So very loved. Parents, we might not get it all right even seven out of ten times, but failure is not a deal breaker inside the safety of a family. I pray one day we launch our kids into this world whole and healed, redeemed by the touch of their Savior and transformed simply because we loved and we stayed...imperfectly and beautifully."

do i hear an amen??

now, off to make some soup or something warm for my sickies, all home from school today.

gotta admit i kinda like it though...
it feels like the old days!!

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{this moment}

actually..
i had a few "moments" like this this week!

feeling grateful today for bucket loads of grace and weekends!!! yay.~
and wishing you {and me} an extra restful one..
maybe with a dinner out, or a chance to drink our coffee hot!!

love.
amber

not exactly a true {this moment} moment, but inspiration credit still goes here.

{for when life feels like a mess}

a friend shared this video and i just wanted to pass it on..
hoping it lifts your eyes higher like it did mine~

simply reminded while watching that He's creating something far more beautiful than what our self filled eyes often see..

and it's about so much more than just this.
whatever this might be. it's different for us all.
that thing that's leaving you overwhelmed. stressed out. emotional. afraid.
feeling kicked in the gut. like, maybe no one else understands.
just standing there looking up, going, "Lord?"

but what might look like a mess to me..
has HIM hidden all over it!

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

p.s. if you watch you need to pause the playlist at the bottom

{another year of picture this. picture perfect.}

we did our whole annual family christmas shoot thingy today..
which, holding to tradition of all other hutchins family christmas shoot thingy's, was memorable.

shot at a gay farmer's farm down the road {he was super nice and accommodating!}
with the occasional donkey or dog running into the picture...
me, returning to my inner cowgirl of scooping horse manure with a stick, trying to clear where i wanted us to stand..
to climbing on hay bales...
and reminding my kids a dozen times to think nice, WARM thoughts as the 60 degree ontario weather left us a bit chilly.

which, when you get our card this year.. no! we did not all drink blue koolaide before the shoot.
that was just au-naturel!

looking through the shots tonight i was reminded of this post, from years ago..
"my thoughts went from a vanity check to a motives check.
not just WHAT? am i trying to prove. but WHO? am i trying to prove it to."

i think i could totally copy and paste every word from back then again here now. {and look how little emma was!}

sure the perfectionist in me wants everything to be exactly how i envisioned it in my mind.
and the photographer in me wants that one magical photo that you blow up and frame and pass for generations.
and the insecurity in me wants as nice a family picture as all the other 5 million 11 people that will take christmas pictures this year...

but. it happens every time. always just like this.
as i sit scrolling through. thinking,
"man.. i wish kate's eyes weren't shut.." and.
"gee. why is ben making a funny face..." and.
"i really think i'm talking in every single one..."

somewhere in the process the irritation shifts to amusement, and amusement finally fades to a smile.
of course, when it comes to picking the shot for our christmas cards i'll try to pick the one where the least of us has our fingers up our nose.

... i'm just reminded again tonight that eyes shut and funny faces and mouths open is what happens when you're living life~
it's not perfect. it's not posed. and there's the occasion where you have to put up with a little crap.

while i'm not sure my kids believe me when i tell them how boring it would be to do things "normally"...
like shooting pictures in say, 80 degree weather, not stepping around cow patties, or having to re-do a photo shoot-
{anybody know what i'm talking about?}
i have a feeling that once they're thawed, and years down the road,
they'll be reminiscing through laughter about, "oh, remember the time we took those family pictures..." kind of days.
days that carry memories lasting long after a perfect frame worthy shot has lost it's wowing effect! 

****

and just a bit of photo q&a...
1. have you taken your family pictures yet? if you do that sort of thing each year
2. do you take the shots or do you get someone else?
3. and, is it a stressful process? or could you care less about fingers up the nose?

happy start to a new week, where...
"it's all those little moments in between the bright flashes and clicking shutters that i really want to treasure -
where real life happens.

those are the pictures you store in your heart. no frame worthy to hold. no other eye able to see.

they are yours. & they are perfectly imperfect!"

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{when life doesn't go as you planned}

standing in line at starbucks, i hear the high school girls behind me laughing and talking between smacks of their gum.

"well, someday the guy i marry is gonna be tall, and hot, and for sure have some kind of fancy initials behind his name.."

and i listen and feel an amused smile creeping up the sides of my mouth.
fighting the urge to turn around and say, 

"honey, marriage is about so much more than what he looks like or the kind of job he has..."

but at the risk of sounding old and cynical i stay facing forward.
because, after all, wasn't that once me?
isn't that youth with all our plans and ideas and how things are going to turn out?

and i take my chai tea and sit in the van, holding the warmth between my hands, as the rain beats down on my windshield..
and i feel the haunting question that i've battled with this past year surface once again..
"but. what if life doesn't go as you thought it would.. ?"
and i tighten my hands around the warm cup as i half watch, half stare at the drops of water, racing as it seems, down the front of my van. 
one drop rolls and collides into another and they fade from sight, only to be followed by hundreds more...
and my mind rewinds to that young, ambitious, knew all the answers, how life was gonna go,
our love will conquer the world, girl i was when i first said yes to shayne.

and though i still have ambitions, and do believe our love will conquer, atleast our own little world of the two of us..
knowing all the answers? not even close.
and how life's gonna go? not a clue now.

you can make your plans and set your course, but, as the Bible says, truly God is the one that orders our steps.
interesting it uses the word steps, isn't it?
one. at. a. time.
is that truly how He desires us to live? looking to Him for every step of the journey?
i don't know about you, but i'd like to see the whole path, thank you very much!
i want to know what's going happen.
this living step by step stuff is for the birds! it's just no fun at all.  

i think of how when i married shayne he was a pastor.
and i thought he would be a pastor, well.. forever, i guess.
i can't say living in a rental house in canada,
with him working in solar, fifteen years into our marriage was ever in my scope of sequence for our lives~

and this past year of change and unrealized hopes has sent us both into one of the hardest times spiritually we've ever been through..
it's felt as if every single area of our lives is being shaken, especially our marriage.
which has sent us longing and looking and crying out for THE ONLY THING THAT CANNOT BE SHAKEN! Jesus Christ.

and as i've fought and struggled and kicked and screamed like a spoiled brat over not getting the plan i thought i'd signed up for~
you know the one.. where you're supposed to just do x,y,z and somehow everything falls perfectly into place!
i mean, shayne and i didn't even kiss before we were married, doesn't that merit for some kind of bonus prize or something.

but as life has unrolled, and i haven't recognized the plan, i know it's because it's not mine.

and when the question comes, "what if life doesn't go as you thought it would...?"
it's because it's not supposed to.
it's about something so much bigger than just me. what i can wrap my brain around.  

and at the end of the day, either God is God, or He's not.
and if He is. then what He says is true, and our lives must be aligned with that truth!

and when He says the only way to real life is through dying to self, that means death to self in every area~
whether our personal dreams and goals, plans for our family, mothering, and most of all, marriage!

i wrote not long ago about when shayne proposed..
and that i didn't know all that saying "yes" would entail...
no, i didn't realize then the struggles and pressures and hard times that would come.
that he wouldn't be a pastor forever like i thought, and that maybe our lives wouldn't go as i had planned~
but regardless. that "yes" still sticks! and it wasn't a one time thing...

"I still say yes, everyday. No one asks if I will take this man every morning when I get up. But I do take him, whether the day is worse or better. He asked the question once. I answer him with my life.

Things going wrong or crazy or heartbreaking doesn’t mean I should have said no. It just means the world is broken and we still live in it. And so the success of our yes does not depend upon our circumstance but upon our convictions...."  ~chatting at the sky

but as i'm learning. so slowly, and yes, painfully..
my yes has got to be more than just to this man i married.
if my focus is only him we're not going to make it.. as i feel has nearly happened.
but my yes has got to go beyond, higher.
looking past what any human can give me.. looking past how i think life should go..
and looking only into the Sovereign face of my Savior that has ordained my ways before the foundations of the earth,
and to lay down all the turmoil in my heart and rest in the sole fact~
He Is God Alone. And He Makes No Mistakes!

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber