{kleenex note}

found at the end of my bed one morning...

a *this moment moment, that makes all the not so great moments worth it!

happy week-ending~
i'm headed to niagara falls with some girlfriends...
looking so forward to it!

and how fun to read all the stories in last post's comments!!
so neat to hear how everyone's journey together started-
i'm inspired by each of you to keep keeping on,
and Lord willing one day we'll hit that 30,31,34,42, 48, and 53 1/2 marks too!!! so awesome.

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{the proposal}

Sunday night we were coming home from Shayne's family's in Huntsville.
Instead of taking the usual road around the town, I asked him to drive through...
I hadn't seen it in years. and oh! the memories of that little place in our first two years of marriage.
The times spent walking those sidewalks fighting back homesick tears, trying to make sense of my new life.
Yet knowing, I wouldn't be happy anywhere else in the world than next to him. Wherever that was.

All of a sudden my thoughts snapped back with a quick right turn.

"Where..." I started to ask.

"Remember this?" He interrupted with that silly boyish grin.

I looked out the window as we wound our way up the steep road.
Then. smiled back.

"Oh, yeah. I remember..."

At the top we stopped the van and climbed out with the kids.

"Right here, guys," Shayne said as he pointed down, "on top of this rock, I asked your mom to marry me!"

Emma wrinkled her forehead curiously, "what'd she say?"

very grainy pics from too high an iso and a camera whose auto focus is breaking. but still, it's the spot!

Driving home I slipped my hand over into his.
We sat that way for a long time. Silent. Holding.
Reconnecting.

I'm not going to lie.
This past year has probably been the toughest of our marriage yet.
just with the move and financial pressures and job insecurity..
not to mention my own selfishness in dying to what I want or how I'd thought life was supposed to go.
learning to stop looking to my husband as my "savior," and finding the Only One who truly is, faithful! and enough.

"the only one that can satisfy the human heart is the one who made it."

When trials come, if we turn to our spouse to FIX it. To fill us. Eventually, we'll begin to resent them. Or even blame them~
That's why I think the divorce rate is so high.. everyone feels their problems are because of the other person -
so the solution must be to get a "new person," right?
instead of realizing WE'RE the ones who need RE-NEWING and refreshing, and refueling from Christ to keep keeping on.
He's got to be the foundation we're building on.

But sometimes, in the keeping on, we get tired...
tired in our souls. anybody get that with me?
We might see the flames dying in our marriage...
but can just kinda lack the "want to" to keep putting on the necessary wood to make it better. hotter!

I was thinking all this as we drove home.
Just being reminded of the fresh breeze of young love, standing on top of that rock, looking out over the lake below...
recalling the day he proposed,
and realizing, how I simply need to get back to some basics in my relationship with my husband.

So often we can get caught up in reading the latest marriage book, or running to a new conference..
when it would probably profit us a whole lot to simply do those things we already know to do!

not going to bed upset with each other. (ever!)
working out a difference~ however long it takes.
praying more together.
reading His word together.
uplifting one another.
being the other's loudest cheerleader.
talking more together.
listening more.
kissing each other hello.
and goodbye.
and looooonger  

and above all,
helping to turn the other's focus to Christ.

Which is rather ironic how that works in a marriage...
the MORE we focus on Christ,
the MORE we can focus on one another. {the way we need to be focused on}

Resulting in being the kind of "us" we want to be.
and most importantly,
He wants us to be.

So, I don't know.. I just feel a new kind of proposal in my heart this week~
of simply purposing to love on my husband more. better.
letting him know, through my words, and more importantly, my actions..
that I'm in this for the long haul. willing to do whatever is necessary to build and strengthen our own little fire ..
no matter what. where. or even if we end up flipping burgers together at McDonald's.

just for fun:: where did your husband, or you! propose??

hope your wednesday was a happy one~

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
 

{emma}

she's the one that "changed" me.

we thought there would never be a third.
but then. God tucked her there. under my heart.
and the heart where she nestled was forever altered.

she's the one that softened alot of the hard in me.

through her life i'm reminded that surrender,
no matter how painful, is the only way to true life.
that obedience produces peace.
and trusting, even when we don't understand, brings joy.

she's the one that became my tangible proof, God is bigger!

she's the one who everytime i see, i think, "man! i'm glad we had her!!"

she's the one that gives the tightest hugs...
laughs longest.
laughs at anything.

she's the one with the kindest disposition...
who says, "awww" at every animal she sees.
who kisses baby reese a hundred times a day.
and tells me she's going to live with me forever.

she's the one that loves to sing.
and dance.
and do cartwheels. and the splits.

she's the one that always asks, whether driving for hours, or just to the grocery store..
"are we in america yet?"

she's the one that loves phineas and ferb.
painting her nails.
and doing whatever her brother is doing.

she's the one when we met up with my parents a few weekends ago,
and they gave her a big birthday box...
later, when i asked, "what was your favorite thing you got?"
she said with a smile, "seeing papaw."

she's the one that when she jumped in the lake last night..
lost her front tooth that was loose.

she's the one that asked for waffles for her birthday dinner.
and angel food cake with whipped cream and strawberries for dessert.

she's the one that turns six today.
the one i can't imagine not being third.
being ours. so much joy.

and just when i think my heart couldn't possibly hold any more..
you know how it is.. then. they go and do something else. so them.
and you fall in love all over. again and again.

just celebrating her life!!!
and simply, thanking Him.

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
 

{first steps}

monday night i wrote as my facebook status-
"one headed to high school tomorrow. one to seventh.
homeschooling emma. and then, baby girl.
my mommy heart's all over the place tonight."

one foot in front of the other never looked harder. getting there. slowly.

at times i feel like such a beginner at this parenting stuff.
just like baby girl who's starting to stand and take those first, shaky steps.
to my oldest baby girl, walking into high school for the first time..
hoping no one sees her shirt moving in and out from how hard her heart is beating! 

that's me. personified in my youngest and oldest.
learning as i go. each day. shaky. unsure. heart pounding.
but what a journey!
if it were easy, where would the need for grace be. or faith. or searching. or growing.
of clinging to Someone so much more capable than ourselves.~?

i thought of that as i dropped kate off tuesday morning.
tears burning.
throwing my sunglasses over my eyes, though it was a cloudy day
not wanting other parents passing to see. though i'm sure they'd understand.

and i when questions of whether we'd made the right choice,
and second guessing came flooding in, i felt His words~
"are they Mine?"
i shut my eyes briefly at a stoplight and picture my head nodding, yes.
"then. let them be Mine."

and my heart found rest in doing what i feel i've done a thousand times throughout each of their lives -
turning them back over to Him again.
though surrendering them in a long, ruffly white dress in the front of church seemed so much easier than surrendering them to high school!

but i don't ever wish to keep them little.
to go back.
i've enjoyed every stage.
and though it's certainly less complicated to change a mess with baby,
verses, trying to figure out what exactly the mess {attitudes, character issues}is with teenagers...
i embrace the NOW of where all my kids are at.

and i just feel {once again} we're finding our footing and taking those first steps together in a new direction.
underneath the nervousness and emotions. i'm rather excited!

though, on the very first family debriefing time, i did have to follow my friend, Carey's, advice...

"whatever you do, amber, when the kids are telling you about their day. don't freak out.
if you freak, they'll stop sharing, and that's a whole lot worse!"

when kate told me she heard the f-bomb more than she's ever heard in her life.
and ben told me that when meeting a group of guys one told him,
"stay away from pete, he's gay..."
to which the mentioned pete popped his head around the guy and said,
"yeah, it's true. i really am."

haven't i said i wanted to be a more faithful prayer warrior for my kids? okay, then. here we go!

but i laughed too. lots.
laughed at the first thing ben said to me when walking in the door,
"well.. i got asked out today by a girl!!"

"was she cute?"

he wrinkled his nose. "no. sorta. i don't know. she's weird!"

glad my boy still thinks of girls as weird.

especially when he said all throughout class he would hear someone saying, "ben.. ben..."
and he'd turn around and there would be three or four girls waving at him.
i asked what he did and he shrugged, "i waved back."

but he said he'd look back a few minutes later and they'd still be waving...!!"

i guess girls in the seventh grade are friendly~

monday night shayne was packing their lunches, while i made notes to go inside.
any guesses on our love languages?

some serious. some fun. some, inside jokes.

kate was most worried about getting lost. and forgetting her lock combination.
she handled the lock fine, but did get lost going to lunch.
doesn't matter that the school is basically a square and the cafeteria is directly in the middle,
a point the guidance counselor carefully noted when we took a tour of the school last week.
but, that's our kate.

she was telling us, in her learning strategies class, which is just a replacement for french..
there's a picture of Jesus.
when one of the girls in class saw it, she said, "oh brother.. Jesus? now that's a story!"

"yes it is.." kate answered.

the girl looked surprised. "whatever!"

"no." kate went on, "it's the most amazing story ever! really!! i LOVE that story!!"

she said the girl rolled her eyes and turned away.
but oh, how my heart beamed. so proud of my little quiet katie girl.
her dad said to me later, "wow.. where did that boldness come from?"

i guess it came from where it needed to when the time was right.

ben's school is right across the road from us.
he can ride his bike.
and kate will be taking the bus.
which today was her first time to do, and last night she told me shyly..
"i know it's silly, but i can't wait. i've never been on a bus before."

never thought of that.

so. we've survived the first two days of PUBLIC school.

thankful for grace. and wonderful friends who've been so supportive.
and when i say, friends, i mean those of you here too..
a friend to me is anyone who takes the time to express interest and show kindness,
and though i've not met many of you, i feel that term "friend" defines you well. *thank you*

when they say it takes a village. well..
and i sure do love my village.

sheesh.this growing up stuff isn't easy.
and i'm not even talking about the kids! 

"Your journey has molded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be.
Don't think you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now.
And now is right on time."

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{He.thinks of me}

the sunset tonight was breathtaking.
the kind that makes you stand long. staring. marveling.
lines of reds and shades of yellows, with these splashes of burnt orange between.
and i watched until their vibrance faded down into the shadowed treeline.

reminded me of those crafts i used to do as a kid where we'd melt the crayons between wax paper-
somehow creating this glorious collage of colors. like a rainbow pulled straight and stretched out. that was the sky.

and i wonder when i see things like that ...
did God think about what He wanted the sky to look like tonight?
did He personally pick out every color to put on display?
like how i would carefully decide on each color for my wax paper craft?
"I think I'll take some red, and a bit of yellow here, and throw some orange in right there..."
did He smile when He saw it? when He saw me looking?
did He think to Himself, "I knew she'd like that..."

a few of the sunsets over the months.

and i found myself smiling back at the fading lights in the sky at the thought...
the thought that He thinks of me.

and i want to grab that thought, and carry it into this upcoming week~

a week where already, as i think ahead of the changes and challenges, and even every day sort of stuff..
i feel my heart wanting to cave inside and get overwhelmed.

but when i remember, He thinks of me. in it all. in whatever it is.
though it doesn't change my circumstances, necessarily. it sure changes my perspective.

i'm not just here on my own, muddling through. trying to get by best i can.
no. i have a God that created me and delights in me and puts glorious sunsets in the sky just for me!
He's thinking of me. {and you!} always. always.

****

we sang this song in church today and i lovelove the words.
and the authenticity of this version is so great too -
not spectacular musicality or performance, but pure worship!

"my name is graven on His hands,
my name is written on His heart."

****

any song or verse, or perhaps thought on your heart as you head into this new week?
would enjoy hearing if you'd care to share in the comments~

it would be fun to turn this post into a big praise session of His goodness.
just to be a community of encouragers for those who might stop in to read!

so grateful for each.of.you that show up here. truly!



 

happy first week of september.. and all that means for many of us!
hello school.
hello routine.
hello change.

hello getting up in the morning before nine!!!
{who, me, not a morning person?? nah..never!}

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{new friends?}

a *this moment post inspired via soulemama.
a single photo capturing a moment from the week...
a moment I want to pause, savor and remember.




****

and this moment, continued with a few other moments...









for some reason, the title grumpy old men comes to mind when i see these shots!

happy week-ending, friends.

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{the dirty word "public school"}

we first started talking of sending the kids to school at the end of last school season...

Throughout the summer as we went round about it, often with kate and ben part of the conversation,
I noticed how the kids seemed to use the word "public" in front of school, like,

"have you guys decided if we're going to PUBLIC school...?"
"so when would PUBLIC school start..??
or, "will we have to wear a uniform in PUBLIC school...??"

And I smiled every time I'd hear them say it.
Never referring to it as just school, always "public school" with a strong emphasis on the PUBLIC.
almost in this hush-hush, are we allowed to say this, kind of way.

Finally I told them,

"look.. you don't have to always stick "public" in there like that.
ya'll are making it sound like it's a dirty word or something... ! "

It's funny, I never taught my kids that public school was "bad."
But somehow I guess growing up homeschooled you just kind of get that idea~
myself included. {homeschooled from 4th grade on}

I think we're all easing into this new territory very tentatively.

We've told the kids we're doing this on a trial type basis -
trying it all on for size. to see if it fits US.
if not, then we'll try something else.

At first, I felt a bit freaked to commit and be okay with them going to school -
as if saying yes meant we could never turn back {?}

I don't know why I felt that way.
maybe it's the unspoken parenting code we can feel that,
even though we've never done this before, somehow we've got to get it all right the first time around..
and sure, there are no do over's, I get that.
But sometimes try- hard parenting only produces stressed out mom's and dad's,
and kids ready to bolt.

I want, and pray, my parenting falls more under the grace-based kind.-
recognizing not if I make mistakes, but WHEN I do, His mercy goes further.

there is always room for redemption and fresh starts and "I was wrong will you please forgive me's?"

Public school is probably no big deal to most...
but growing up a homeschooled kid, and homeschooling my own since the beginning,
yeah, it's a whole subcultural thing.
And I've struggled this summer with feeling I was leaving the wagon train, so to speak.

I've never made it a secret that homeschooling wasn't my "calling."
I wasn't thrilled about it, but it was something my husband wanted us to do, so I did.
And I didn't resent it....
I feel God had brought me to a place years ago of realizing that even though teaching wasn't my thing,
my kids were.
And as long as He had us on this course I needed to apply myself 100% and do the best I could.
 
But I admit, I didn't jump up and down when Shayne first said,
"I think this would be a good time to put them in school..."

I actually surprised myself a bit with how I was the one dragging my feet the most.
For several reasons really, but worry over what everyone was going to think was a huge part.
And I saw more than ever how steeped my heart was in the fear of man,
and how enslaved I'd allowed myself to become over others opinion of me.

I feel more freedom with it all than I did in the beginning,
but it's not a struggle that's completely over...
{is the fear of man ever really completely gone? though free-r, it seems always lurking}

Even this week as I've seen friend's on facebook posting pictures,
or talking about their first day of {home} school, I feel my insecurity gland getting bumped...
and the enemies lies that somehow I wasn't good enough, or smart enough,
or spiritual enough to homeschool successfully come spilling in.
Though I quickly come back to, this is what God's given us, that tinge of "less than" lingers still.

A few have written and asked what made us decide to send the kids to school-
really, it's pretty basic.

First and foremost, simply the academics.
As the kids got older I didn't feel I could adequately give them the education they needed.
We liked the k12 program we used the past three years, but it was for use only within the States.
and other options, bottom line, were just too expensive.

Secondly, for spiritual reasons.
I think we both knew that at some point the kids would go to a traditional school setting,
and really it was their dad in the end that decided, now was the time.

I know there's lots of different opinions on all that -
but we personally, for our little brood, feel this will be a critical training grounds of sorts.
Sure, we know what they're walking into. what they'll face.
And I know there'll be lots of debriefing in the evenings
 and even lots more time spent on my knees.
{on our knees together as a family}

You better believe there'll be some {louder} cries for wisdom going up from this house!

But a word on all that..
I had a friend, who homeschools, tell me once -
if you homeschool for the sole purpose of "protecting" your kids,
you're probably going to wake up one day and be pretty disillusioned.

We're in a battle with the enemy of our souls who doesn't care what we worship,
as long as it's not Jesus Christ.
And he will stop at nothing to get us to lose focus and become distracted by this world,
through whatever means he can..

That's why if our children's hearts are not HIS
{as in He is Lord of every area, and they desire for HIm to be}
it doesn't matter if we raise them in a log cabin on the back side of the forest,
never seeing a single person or thing that could "defile" them~

what defiles a man comes from what is in their heart.

Of course, that's not to say we don't protect our kids.
I'm the fiercest of the mother bear's, don't get me wrong.
But I don't think it's our first priority to our kids -
I think our first priority is to point them to their Heavenly Parent,
who only and alone can give them the desire to do what's right.

But this isn't really a post about homeschool vs. public school.
It's really just a post about a nervous mom sitting up late,
writing and processing some of my thoughts and emotions with all this as I walk into this new chapter of life-
feeling my knuckles turning white at how hard I'm clinging to His hand.

It's already been such a learning journey for us all. and school hasn't even started yet!!

A few months back when I was talking on the phone to my mom..
telling her what Shayne and I were praying about as far as the kids education -
I didn't really realize what I was doing, but she did - she heard it.
The EXPLAINING. the answering questions not asked. the defensiveness.

And after listening quietly she said,

"sis, your dad and I will support whatever God gives you and Shayne, but let me give you some advice..."

I braced myself, thinking it would be something about the language the kids would hear,
or the drugs they'd be offered.

But this was it instead,

"...as your mom I would challenge you to be careful as God directs you one way or the other,
don't feel you have to become a hater of the one in order to embrace the other.
if the Lord leads you to send the kids to school, do it.
but don't feel you have to bash homeschooling now..."

At first I stammered with a bit of, "I'm not going to become a hater..."
but I stopped and recognized the truth of her words.

How quickly I do that. Feel the need to prove my point, and gather others who agree.
Instead of yielding any insecurity to Him and quietly obeying what He gives.

I wonder how many of our choices are truly grounded in what GOD has given,
or merely because of the circles we run in, or the people we're affiliated with.

it's so much easier to be a lake trout than a salmon!

But. it's not for me to decide why others do what they do.

ya know..
something that's been on my heart alot lately is this whole legalism label we slap on others so easily.
I think we need to be careful what we call legalistic. It's become a word far too over-used.

Just because someone has a conviction or preference about something,
does not mean they are looking to that as any part of their salvation, which is what a legalist is-
someone who believes anything other than the blood of Christ alone is sufficient to redeem them of their sins.

No. perhaps it's just how they feel. What they believe God has given them.

I have many friends that might look according to some standards, legalistic.
But they are in reality, some of the most open, loving, non judgemental people I know-
fully recognizing and believing it is Christ+nothing.

Sometimes it seems the very ones who are trying to convince everyone how free they are
fall into the very trap they are so much against~ judging others motives.
And without realizing it, they trade in a list of so called rules for a list of another kind...
a running list of everything that appears to be legalistic.

Maybe it's time, instead of everyone sitting around debating homeschool or headcoverings or homemade bread
to simply let God be God -
who alone is the only heart changer, direction giver, and way to genuine freedom
{the freedom to love regardless of whether you agree or not}

I'm sure families who homeschool and families who send their kids to school alike would admit
they're just trying to figure it out as they go - one step of grace at at time.

aren't.we.all.  

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{heart lessons on a sunday morning}

I don't know why I thought Emma bringing a bucket of crayons into the church service with her was a good idea.
I guess I was thinking that coloring would occupy her quietly, not thinking of the loud "ker-plunk" every time she'd drop one back in. ~

When the older lady in front of us began to give us one of those sideway stares...
you know the ones I mean, where the person doesn't turn full around and look at you, because that would be rude,
but, instead, turns just enough to let you see the annoyed expression down half their face!

I let out an extra loud, "shh.." to Emma,
hoping to communicate to the lady that I wasn't one of those oblivious moms to what my kids are doing.
Then, took a handful of crayons from the bucket, lining them down the side of my chair..
not realizing until after church where they had ended up rolling to,
as evident by the nice rainbow stripes down the side of my cream colored skirt!

After coloring, it was the whole shoes off thing...
lifting her feet up on the chair, and running her index finger between her toes slowly and deliberately.
Then, becoming fixated on a hangnail on her right big toe, that after awhile led to her trying to reach it to her mouth to bite it off!!

From that she moved to playing with my bracelets. my hair. unzipping her sweater. then needing help zipping it back up.
.. and getting distracted between it all by that darn hangnail on her toe again!

And before you start thinking we aren't the kind of parents that ever "taught" our kids how to sit in church..
oh, trust me.. we've tried with this girl. Sitting still and Emma just aren't synonymous.
But, I kind of get that about her though.
And it's not like she's some wild child out of control {though she has her moments} she's just five -
doing what five year old's do.. which is usually whatever pops into their little brain,
like lifting their leg halfway over their head to try to get their toe in their mouth!!

But the entire service it seemed that just about the time I lifted my hands to praise, or closed my eyes to pray,
or opened my Bible to read, there was a ker-plunk of crayons. or a foot in the air. or a taptaptap on the arm..
or. towards the end, twisting her legs together tightly as she jirates back and forth, and not so quietly whispers,

"crisscross like applesauce, i gotta go pee!!!"

Not sure where she picked up that expression. but she says it often. or atleast when she's gotta go.

And it's during communion, while everyone is singing reverently and full of emotion....
and I look down at her with one eye open, my mouthing hanging mid verse, and my hand awkwardly in the air.
I smile through gritted teeth and tell her not that much longer.
Inwardly thinking,"hush up sweetie pie, can't you see mommy's in the middle of worshiping the Lord here??"

Then. something in the way she's looking up at me. it so strikes me. that look
The searching in her eyes on my face. the watching. studying.

And my heart suddenly sees and gushes in a dozen directions of conviction as God's voice gently reminds -
True worship is not in going through the motions of what we think worship is supposed to be.
It is not confined to a specific time or something we only do in a church service.
Worship is what we live. An extension of who we believe God to be~

not just on Sunday mornings..
when the soft piano music is playing in the background and you're sitting in your pretty cream colored skirt.
but Monday mornings... especially monday mornings.
when the background is full of chaos and never ending things to do.
when the toilet is plugged and the kids won't stop fighting.

On those days when you feel you're not doing anything right,
and even the pile of laundry has you defeated!

There. in those moments. when we stop and give thanks. that is what it means to worship!
when everything inside you doesn't want to. and when you think no one else sees.

ah. but they do!
As I was reminded yesterday morning standing in my church pew.
there are little eyes that see what often others miss.    

And am I really just coming to understand this now, though I'm not sure I fully do...
that this. this mothering and the mundane and just ordinary day kinds of things actually present
the most beautiful  opportunities for me to learn true worship?

Not alone in my room on my knees, though nice, few and rare.
But rather standing in the middle of a puddle from the toilet in the bathroom-
or in the middle of whatever it is, as we as moms often find ourselves,
and in that, in it all, praising Him still.

Not because I'm all spiritual that way. or feel like it.
or everything just happens to align itself for a brief moment..
but simply because He's God. no matter what.

He is who He says He is. 
and that means everything that comes at me comes first from His hand
and I can breathe in the oxygen of grace that He provides for each and every moment.

even in those "crisscross like applesauce" ones.

Learning to have a heart filled with genuine thanksgiving, no matter the outward circumstances.

"people are not looking for you to have it together, they are looking to see what you do when you don't..."

if you have time, listen to this little audio clip of beth moore.  just love this~


****

we packed a picnic dinner saturday night of fried chicken, potato salad, angel food cake, strawberries and whipped cream!!!!
and headed out to the park by the lake~



on the pier

i love when they hold hands without me telling them
 


i love that they don't feel too big yet.

she could swing for hours. no, wait.. i think she did!

i never tire of seeing all the sailboats or sunsets.

shayne and i in 50 years! i loved watching this couple.

happy start to a new week!
our last before school begins~ excitement and nervousness mounting...

amber.

{this moment}

first chocolate chip cookie!

{this moment} - a single photo capturing a moment from the week... a moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
 
inpsired by soulemama and purpleamethyst76

{welcome to the pack}

It's Wednesday morning, early, and the rain is falling.
It's a gentle rain, more like a mist, and I can smell fall in the air through the open window.

I'm not going to complain though. Canada has delivered us a glorious summer.
I think fall will be just as spectacular...
producing quite an art show of colors, I'm sure, with all the smatterings of maple trees everywhere!
They don't have a maple leaf on their flag for no reason, ya know.

After writing the first couple sentences, I've just sat here staring out the window for awhile.
thinking back over these past months, whispering thanks up to the rainy skies for the contentment God has brought...

now I hear a familiar, "ahh. ahh. da.da." coming from the little girls room and so my time here is up till later.

Lunch is done. baby's down. and the other kids are in the basement watching a movie.
Shayne's working on tax stuff with his mom,
and I'm locked away upstairs in my bedroom, writing this.
And no. those last two sentences have nothing to do with each other.

I will say God's done alot as far as my inlaw relationship goes and for that, I'm grateful.

At times I think of sharing more about it, but I know family things can get sticky in a hurry.
And when you're the writer of a blog, that is such a sliver of real life -
and those in your real life more than a mere sliver, well, sometimes they don't always like for the two to cross.

As a disclaimer to the above, I'm certainly not insinuating things were all bad on their end, etc.
Like, enter the perfect daughter in law and poor me they just didn't appreciate that.
No. there were years of blaming them for things that really boiled down to my own pride and insecurity.
I think the freedom in our relationship came when I took responsibility for my own attitudes~
humbling myself by asking forgiveness to shayne's parents,
and realizing I needed to have a learners heart towards them, instead of always trying prove I was right...
and I don't mean by arguing, I mean simply by how I lived.
Ever feel that way... that your living FOR someone else?
Their approval or lack of is what spurs you on to be better -
trying to be the sweet wife. the super mom. the spiritually deep christian.

But it's exhausting to live that way and so very temporary.
The fuel of living to win others approval only leaves you broken down and empty.

And though I have some regrets through the years of not having a closer relationship there,
I'm glad that our past doesn't have to define us, or determine our future.
There is always a chance for change in the choices we make.
and most of all, God is bigger than things that seem hopeless!
He's The Restorer of what is broken.and A Redeemer to what is lost.

nothing. no problem in life no matter what it is or who it involves is beyond His reach of grace~

****

This past week has been full to the brim of activity and friends and fun memories.

Last Friday we headed to our friend's cottage north of here and simply had a beautiful weekend.
Despite rain nearly every day, yes! beautiful.
The rain just made it that much cozier, and forced us in for togetherness and games and curled up couch times.
and there were spurts of sun were we all ran down to the lake for some water time.

emma learning to ski.

she never got all the way up, but i was proud of her effort.

ben learning to wake skate.

shayne trying it out. so good to see him building strength back each day.

I met my friend Deb, not long after writing this post.
 
Shayne was out of town that week and so I'd decided,
during a brief memory loss that my baby would actually sit quietly for an hour, to take her with me to Bible study.
To which, about five minutes in, my memory was restored and I saw clearly this wasn't going to work.

Feeling like the awkward newcomer still that probably appeared the frazzled, desperate mom wanting some woman time {which i was}...
I gathered up all the trinkets I had tried to entertain her with - cell phone. wallet. pen cap. hair clip. straw wrapper -
and juggled baby and Bible and everything else as I tried to, unsuccessfully, slip out unnoticed.

I remembering exiting the door and standing to hold it until it was completely shut,
feeling my face burning at my obvious dorkiness.
I was going to head out to the van to wait on the other kids...
when walking past a table of three ladies in the foyer, I heard one of them cheerfully pipe up,

"Oh! look at that baby!! How old is she??"

And as I stumbled to answer -
while trying to slip my hands full of baby's entertainment things back into my purse,
the lady patted on the table and said,

"Come.. sit down. Join us."

That was Deb.

and that invite of "come. sit. join us." is the mantra of her life~
open. friendly. warm. someone who instantly puts you at ease.
It's really been through her that I've gotten to know most of the women I've become friends with here.

She showed up at my house the day after moving in with two other ladies and a,
"we're here to help!" in her Deb like way.
And when I kinda found my pride kicking in at not liking to "need others help" ...
and humbled that these women I didn't even know were on their hands and knees scrubbing my floors and cleaning my house -
Deb put her hands on my arms and said,

"Stop apologizing, girl. This is what we as women need to do for each other... it's what it's all about.
Women helping women. I'm sure you'll be returning the favor someday.
And besides, it's just our way of saying, 'Welcome to the pack!' "

It still makes me teary eyed to write about it, as it did that day when she said it..
the power of that kind of kindness and picture of genuine love~
she wasn't doing this because she knew me or liked me - -
at that point she really didn't have a clue who I was, or what kind of person...
but she did it because that's how she believes we as women should be, how God desires us to be.
and I've learned from her example.

I told Kate later that day, "be a Deb to the girls in your life."

Enough already with the catty competition among us women!
the comparison over who is doing what better or how - -
allowing our insecurities to keep us from reaching out,
able to offer a kind word, or even a simple, "you look pretty today."

How about we try simply embracing a "Welcome to the pack!" kind of mentality towards our sisters in the Lord.
{even to those we know through blogging}
Purposing to be the kind of woman who doesn't exclude, but includes.
Who doesn't stand back and assume, but walks forward and welcomes.
Who remembers that at the core we're basically all the same..
and not being so consumed with ourselves that the heart of Christ, and power of the gospel, remains voiceless and actionless inside us~

wake board.

double knee boarding.

champion tuber kate. this girl is fierce!

cliff jumping.

deb and i assessing the drop. &you can't really tell but i was thinking as i went over, "don't die. don't die!!"

smores.

****

okay. back again to try to finish up.
I guess it's getting close to dinner - -
one of the little girls from the neighborhood is here playing with emma,
and she just asked what I was making for supper?

I think some of these kids come round purposely right around meal time,
just to see if what you're making is a better option than what they're having at home.

I don't mind really. it's fun having a house full of kids {especially if i get to send them back at the end of the day!}

another friend, I've known much longer, and learn continually from is, Suz.
Her family was visiting the first of this week, and we had a great time.

I first met her when I was seventeen and her youngest was just a baby.
Now I have 4 babies and she'll soon be a grandmother!!!

She's my ice skating lessons, road trips, come 800 miles to visit me way up in Canada kind of friend -
from her I learn the beauty of consistency and loyalty in friendship.~

That a true friend is more about what you give than what you get..
and even when I'm bad {terrible. horrible} about returning her phone calls or emails, and keeping in touch, she never stops.
Never stops calling, writing, showing interest. just being there. giving & giving! always.

jordan chasing the seagulls.

****

When I think about how my life was/ felt last winter, it's like another lifetime ago to the joy of now.
I've said to my girlfriends here..

"where were you all back in Feburary??"

But even though that was a bleak time. a lonely time. a time of discouragement, even depression some days -
I know God allowed it, because I needed it. I needed to have all my props removed.
To discover that He was, and is enough!
That even when you feel you haven't a friend in the world, or forgotten by those you've left behind, He is faithful.

He whispers through our pain, "I understand. Come to me...
When you're weary, and burdened, come. I will give you rest."

And there is rest even in the dark times. Because He is changeless. And we can cling to that promise.

So wherever you're at in life right now -
whether feeling isolated and unsure, or more at peace and confident, take the things He's taught you...
the strength He's given, the renewed hope, the fresh mercies and new joys and share that.

You never know where someone else is at, or what they need -
but we can extend a piece of Jesus to them by the things we say and do,
and especially the spirit we do them in.

"Welcome to the pack!!"

let's go, girls.

off to feed my family and whoever else might show up for dinner!
 

·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber