wednesday:: we got thai food carry out for dinner to celebrate last night! and shayne made milkshakes. all the kids were talking a mile a minute and it was chaotic and loud and at one point shayne and i smiled at each other because i knew we were both thinking the same thing, we love these people we call our kids! this morning though there seemed a shift..  i came down to the kitchen early and saw the table scattered with waded papers of frustration and eraser shavings all over from kate’s math homework. and nerves for trying out for football were getting ben. and emma was misty eyed and not so sure. daddy had to be at work early, and his presence gone i seem to lose some stability. how can he always be so calm? i think i worry far more. i need to work on that. i find myself watching the clock all day. counting down. kate and ben are home by 3. then we walk over to get emma at 3:30. the first day we looked like a parade. all of us showing up to get her. clapping as she came out the doors!

thursday:: the novelty of school seems to wear off fast. for both kids and mom. grumpiness from tiredness and still not used to new routines setting in. reality this is the new normal. me second guessing if this is the normal for us. thinking i feel peace one minute. then, at the sight of tears from my six year, not so sure. i know these things build character but can’t character wait! i wish at times everything were easier. maybe then i wouldn’t question God’s will. is that what God’s will is, easy? i don’t think so. seems the opposite when you look in scripture, hear other’s stories. but.. still i wish for it. especially for my kids. i don’t care what suffering builds in us, i don’t like watching my kids unhappy for a minute. unless it’s when they want brownies before dinner or reese wants to run out in the middle of the road and doesn’t understand why she can’t. well, then “unhappy” is a different story. but doesn’t God feel the same for us as a Parent. knowing best what we don’t know. seeing what we can’t. this school stuff is certainly a classroom of trust for us all. ben twisted his leg at football practice and doesn’t think he’ll be able to play. i wonder if it’s insecurities at being smaller, since he is basically 2 years younger than the boys in his grade. we need to sit down and talk with dad about that this weekend. ~ i don’t care at all if my kids don’t play sports, but i don’t ever want their fears and insecurities to dictate their decisions. i know something about that. this morning, while we sat in the van waiting for the bell, i was reminding emma that Jeuss is always with her, because He’s in your heart. i picked up a pen from the door and took her hand, turning it over, and drawing an upside down heart, so she could see it right side up when she looked down at it… saying, “this is to remind you of your heart.” and then i filled it in, “and what is inside your heart is Jesus. and because of Him you have the ability and strength to make it through this day and face whatever comes.” i also promised a special prize for no tears. when i picked her up later that day, she bounded over with a, “well, i didn’t try {cry}.”  she picked out a stamp set at marshall’s last night.

friday:: i let the older ones make their own lunches this morning. i was too tired to get up. i did go out and holler over the banister before they left, i love you guys. and hanging over further to see ben, told him to reconsider going to football practice. we’ll see. he’s old enough to decide this for himself. he knows his heart, what his motives are. all i can do is listen and navigate him to the Lord. it’s hard at times letting go. of what i want. what i desire for my kids. i thought of that on monday, releasing hands for them to find their own way. yet, wanting to hold on to hearts to make them my way. but hearts need released just the same as hands. more. to find God without force by mom and dad. to learn dependance when there’s no one telling them so. how often i think i know better. can do better at protecting and caring for their hearts. than God? silly. but still. this morning sitting in the van with emma, there were harder tears. and hard for me to see them. we talked a bit. then sat quiet. she suddenly reached over, got the pen in the door and handed it to me, holding out the palm of her hand. i felt all gulpy and proud as i followed the faded outline from the heart that i drew the day before. and what does that mean? i asked when i finished. she took her hand and balled it up tight into a fist as she held it against her chest. saying with eyes still wide and nervous, yet a sweet smile spreading out, “Jesus.” the day’s not over yet. but i’m grateful to be at the end of this first week of school. now, only 39 more to go. and yes, i had to google how many weeks were in a school year.

i know there are good days that lie ahead. and some more rough ones too. not just for their school years, but for all of life. and they will forever, as we all do, learn to lay their brokenness and needs at the feet of the only one who can truly gather and mend them. i’m thinking of emma’s expression as she said His name. and whisper the same as i write it. “Jesus.”   

****

the first day of school we tried for some pictures, i’m still using my friend deb’s nikon and must have had the settings wrong.
they turned out dark and grainy. so i got a little more intentional about figuring it out..
and that afternoon when the kids got home we had a back to school photo shoot by the garage.

kate, grade 10.
favorite subject so far, cooking/ nutrition.
likes school because her friends are there.
hates business class.
thinks her math teacher, Mrs. McFail, has the funniest name.

when we lived in our farm house in cincinnati, there used to be these black rat snakes that would get in our old cellar..
i guess they liked the cool dampness down there during the hot summer months.
although i don’t know why they couldn’t have just hid under a rock outside like other normal snakes!

when we called the zoo to ask whether they were aggressive or not the nice reptile man assured us.. 
you couldn’t have a “better” snake in your basement!
they were harmless. laid back. and we’d never have a rodent problem.

oh? and that’s supposed to be comforting?

i think i’d rather stick to good old fashioned mouse traps and peanut butter than have the snake pit from Raiders of the Lost Ark in my basement!! thank you very much.

needless to say. i NEVER went in our basement.
once during an impending tornado. i stood with the kids right at the top of the stairs watching out the window incessantly.
the only way i was going down there in the middle of the night was if i saw a funnel cloud coming across our yard!

but. there was the occasional time when it was unavoidable. i.had.to.go.down.there.
like, when our outside faucet broke and had water spraying everywhere!!
i called shayne, who was out of town, and he told me i’d have to turn off the main water valve – IN THE BASEMENT!
after trying to convince him the basement wouldn’t flood before he came home in two days…
or, that maybe having constant water running that way wouldn’t really cost a fortune, i knew it was time to don my ghost buster’s attitude and just do it!

i’d make him stay on the phone with me as i went down though, because you know…
if i saw a snake, and he was on the other side of the line, in a another town hours away, he’d be able to be really helpful!!

then, usually the scenario would go something like –
i’d stand at the top of the steps for several minutes.
looking up at the ceiling. shutting my eyes hard. looking up again. taking a deep breath…
repeating this until,

“hon, do you see the red switch? it’s right on the side..”

“Oh. um.. yeah. just about… “

“hon. are you even down there yet?”

and with one last look up. eyes shut hard. deep breath. down i’d go. 
i tried to keep my eyes straight on the water pump.
i didn’t look down. didn’t look over under the stairs. not in the corner, or walls.
maybe there weren’t any snakes there at all, or maybe there were dozens, i don’t know.
because i just never looked!
i figured what i didn’t see, wouldn’t bother me.

i could simply ignore the inevitable by choosing not to acknowledge it.

which is exactly how i felt weeks ago, as i walked into wal-mart, and saw the back packs and school supplies all to the left.
i quickly turned away and kept my eyes straight when i passed.
snake basement mode, baby!
there was no way summer was nearly over. hadn’t it all JUST started?

i tried to rewind it in my mind. back to the start..
how excited we were that school was finally over.
and by finally, i mean FINALLY, since i never felt a school year had ever lasted so long!
and we were all so anxious for long, do nothing kind of days, and warm sunshine and fresh mowed grass.

i thought of the books we’d read and the things we’d do.
the people we’d see and the places we’d go. and yes, the dr. seuss i’d quote.
and mental summer lists of this and that and all and everything and suddenly, i’m panicky because we hardly did any.
and i felt the guilty, i suck at being a fun pinterest worthy mom, feeling come over me.
but then i asked the kids, “what’s been your favorite thing this summer.”
unanimously they agreed. Just hanging at home.

instantly the guilty mom thing left because i realized, kids who want and LIKE being home..
well, maybe that’s more of an “accomplishment” than being pinterest worthy anyway! )

****

speaking of back to school. several of you have asked how the kids first year of public school went..
coming from being homeschooled.

for kate. the best to describe it is, she started with super straight hair.. 
those first several months, waking early to straighten and fuss with it. wanting it to look, just so.
wondering why she seemed to be the only one without naturally bone straight, shiny locks. her hair has a mind of it’s own!
but by the end,  she was simply embracing her wild, wavy curly-ish hair..
discovering it was okay to be who you are. which means, not like everybody else!

she really came into her own. and i hate to say,”found herself.”
because i think that’s a life time process..
discovering who we are. changing. evolving . growing. deepening.
but she discovered who she is, for now. at 14.

she went through, and she’d tell you herself, so it’s not private, a rough patch around the middle of the school year..
i could so see the struggle in her. i identified it quickly because it’s one i still struggle with.
the pull to the world. to the Lord. which way will you choose. who will you live to please.

i think that many of the problems we face as teens, stay our weakness throughout our lives..
we just become better at hiding them than our flamboyant, out there young people do!!

but i saw kate’s heart really leaning to the world for several months.
and as attitudes built and my worry turned to control and control turned to clashing and clashing to arguing and arguing to tears, and wondering, where my sweet compliant child had gone? 

only to later realize. she was working out her own beliefs.
it’s what we want our kids to do, right? but, what a scary process to watch.

around the first of the year, she and i headed to cincinnati together. 
i have no idea what happened. other than to say, on the trip down she was one person.
on the trip back.. she was my old kate again.

and when i asked her, “i can tell you’ve changed. what happened?”
“i don’t know mom.” she answered. “other than i just feel God got a hold of me again.”

i get tears even writing it.

it’s probably the single most important lesson i’ve learned so far in parenting
that God can parent our kids just fine without us all up in their faces and paranoid and worrying and trying to force them to talk to us or be close or read the bible or all the spiritual bull you throw at them to try, because you just know that somehow you’ll say the magic word and then, they’ll instantly snap back..

no. God can handle getting a hold of our kids hearts all by Himself. and trust me, He will.
and when He does it. it’s genuine. it last. and there is change.

kate began being bolder with her faith. 
on her own she decided dating wasn’t for her.. not just something mom and dad weren’t allowing. {and believe me, that’s huge!}
and she would come to me with, ” look at this verse i read today, mom.”

i really think by going to school kate not only discovered more of who she was. but who God was. is.
and she’s walking with Him because she wants to. not because she’s made to.
would she have come to the same conclusion if we’d homeschooled her. maybe.
God is God and He would have gotten her heart, i’m sure.
but i do wonder if she would have had such a drastic change..
such a seriousness about the things of God were she not forced to figure out on her own how she believed and what she was going to stand for~

now Ben. oh, man, that kid!
he surprised me.
i thought he’d be the one that would struggle most with peer pressure.
but his whole attitude towards school was, he could take it or leave it.
i think he enjoyed it. the different pace.
but it wouldn’t have bothered him a bit to quit and be homeschooled again.
he actually ended up saying he liked homeschool better…
“because you’re done in half the time, and then can play the rest of the day!”
but of course!!

we ended up getting him moved ahead to 8th grade.
he had always been a year ahead in homeschooling. in the same grade as his sister..
but they were sticklers when we registered him that he had to go according to his birthday.

after a few weeks we saw it was all a repeat of what he already knew and so began the process of trying to appeal to move him ahead.
wow. that’s one thing coming from homeschooling you’re not used to…
someone else telling you what is best for your child.

it was funny at one point, they sent home a letter saying they wanted to test ben for the “gifted class.”
we laughed. not that we don’t think our boy, and all our kids are gifted. we think they’re exceptional…
but, we knew it wasn’t that he was particularly gifted, hello? he’s just already done the 7th grade!!

finally. after much back and forth with the school board superintendent, they made the switch at the beginning of the year.
it was tough for ben changing halfway through..
but we repeatedly asked if he really wanted to do that, and he did, so we went with it.

after the 8th grade switch though, i begin to notice ben not wanting to go to school…
coming home more often for lunch, and making up excuses to miss.
i worried the work was too much, or too hard, trying to catch up and get with the others in his class.
each day when i’d ask how school was, he would shrug, okay.
but i could tell there was something more bothering him.

one night after dinner, when somehow the conversation got onto joking about others, or laughing at another’s expense..
ben lingered after his sisters had left. quietly helping me put the dishes away and clear the table.

“kids at school make fun of me, ya  know…” he said rather nonchalantly as he was carrying some plates over.

“what? no. i didn’t know. what do they make fun of you for?”

“everything… from being homeschooled. to being an american. to being a christian.”

as we sat down and he began to share, i felt my face get flushed and hot tears fill my eyes.
i was so angry at the cruelty of kids. the stupidity, really.

the american digs kill me…  
ben had no control over where he was born. what his citizenship is.
just as a muslim child has no control over their heritage.
and when these are the things being “made fun of” by kids on the playground,
i can’t help but conclude.. where are these kids hearing this stuff? learning it?
 
parents need to teach their kids more than tolerance and equality.
how about just some plain old kindness!
and maybe the old rule, if ya can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!
being rude and laughing at something someone has no control over is never appropriate.

as far as the christian thing. that actually made me proud of him..
that his classmates would know he was a christian. he hadn’t hidden that fact.
these are the kinds of things i think you never really know about your kids until they’re put in situations like this..
will they share their faith? stand for the Lord? not be ashamed to own that they’re His?

there was this group in particular, of about 3 or 4 boys, that seemed to take it upon themselves to get the “christian boy” to swear..
they would follow him home from school some days carrying on with,
“just say the f word already. you know you want to.”
or, then ask things like, “do christians think gay’s are bad?”
and, “are you not allowed to date cause you’re christian?”

when i asked ben what his response was when they did that, it wasn’t anything super spiritual,
“oh, i’ve given my life to Jesus and i can’t do that.”
no. it was much better.. he said he’d just shrug and roll his eyes and say, “whatever!”

that’s my boy!!

but we had some great conversations that stemmed from all that.
what about bad language? is it right, wrong? what makes a swear word a swear word? is it okay for christians?

makes me think of that little sunday school song we used to sing when i was young –
“smoking. drinking. fist fights and dirty talk, they all make you walk the dirty walk…”
as if we can categorize sin that way!! some being higher on the list than others. but that’s how many christians feel. judge.
but as we talked through these things with the kids our eyes were opened more, that the line of sin does not run vertical. up and down. some measuring “worse” than others.
no, it goes horizontal.. straight across. all equal.
and what makes sin, “sin,” is whatever is not glorifying to God. period.

sometimes i think, give me the person smoking, drinking, fist fighting and dirty talking over some of these christians so rehearsed in acting one way outwardly, but having hearts that are nothing like Jesus!

but those months after getting moved to 8th grade were tough.
every day ben would come home and we’d ask.. “were you made fun of today.”
he’d nod. sometimes there would be tears.
at one point he said, “i’m just so tired of it, mom. i don’t know why they don’t stop.”
and that’s about the time i almost called my gang of girlfriends to pay a visit to the playground with me to put a little fear in some bullies.

and as often as i wanted to do that. i knew this was a battle ben had to fight alone.
and man, that’s hard on us moms. to stand back and do nothing!

but what i began to see was something emerge in my shy laid back shrugging “whatever” 13 year old…

he would talk to us about this kid that was being made fun of. or that kid sitting alone.
the one everyone thought acted weird, or dressed goofy, or smelt bad.
and i knew, as hard as his own hurt was, it was forcing him TO NOTICE the hurt of others..
to hopefully have compassion and understanding. because he knew what it felt like.

when i told him that one afternoon. that God was building in him a sensitivity to others pain, he said,
“i guess so. but i think i got it now, mom. so you think He could make the kids stop!”

he makes me laugh. because how often i’ve felt the same.
okay, God. got this lesson. you can stop now!

we began to really pray for ben, and with ben.
the ladies in my small group were praying also..
and it was amazing to see the shift in the kids that were making fun of him.
one by one, and like a miracle. they each began to stop.
and actually, by the end of the year, those very boys were coming over after school and hanging out.
and the boy that had started the teasing to begin with, apologized to ben.

well. in a “hey ben.. you know i’m only joking about the american stuff right?” kind of way.
but still. and when i saw this kid, i was surprised that ben never made fun of him back..
he wasn’t exactly the slimiest guy in the world!

i think ben learned a valuable lesson. tough to go through. and tougher still as a mom, to stand back and watch, but so important and something i know he’ll never forget.

so, he graduated grade 8.
was nominated for athlete of the year.  
and now i’ll have two heading off to high school this year! 
yikes.

****

with emma. i ordered the 2nd grade curriculum from abeka and we’ve done a bit of that this summer.
but after lots of talking it through and even more prayer…
i walked into the little school across the road from us on thursday and registered her for school!
 
i’ve never sent one of my little ones, and it’s a whole different set of feelings than the older ones.
i keep telling myself i have 20 hours left to change my mind if i want!

she’s excited though. a little nervous.
i think she’ll cry.
i think we both will.
but i also think she’ll do great and love it.

then again, if she does horrible, i don’t care to simply bring her home and homeschool her again.
i’m not going to pressure myself either way.
or feel guilty either way.

i feel last year was so hard to finally release the kids to “PUBLIC” school..
or any school besides what i’d always known myself, basically since the 4th grade.
there was such a sense of wrong conviction in me that wasn’t of God, but merely what others might think.

and i never want to parent based on what others think of me.
or even, what’s best for me! it’s so easy to do. i’ve done it lots.
so easy to make it all seem right and even godly, when at the core it’s our own fear or selfishness driving it.

i understand it’s hard at times to even know our own motives.
but i do think when you cry out to God for wisdom. for clarity and direction, He gives it.
among all the screaming voices of formulas and how to’s and lists and rules of the, woulda shoulda coulda, ways to raise your kids…
God’s voice speaks quiet and calm to our hearts.
He never drives us. if we’re feeling driven, it’s probably not from Him.
but, as our shepherd, gently leads. never forcing.
it is our choice to follow the way He points out.

so for this new school year. that starts tomorrow morning!
no more snake basement mode.
it’s time to look it square on and head down those steps!!

are they scary steps? yes. every step in raising kids is scary.
but can there also be peace in following God,
even among the fear and nervousness and unknowns?

absolutely.

because this isn’t just any God we’re following here.
“His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor.. the PRINCE OF PEACE.” isa. 9:6

****

i have pictures to add from ben’s grade 8 grad but haven’t sorted through which ones yet..
i’ll come back later and do that.
but right now..
we’re off to the beach to enjoy our last day of official summer holiday!! 

****

photo’s added::

these are back from the end of june, but wanted to get them documented on the blog nonetheless…

kate went with them.
i watched her crammed in the back seat between nate and danny, smiling out at me.
she was so excited.
i smiled back.
knowing that this time i didn’t just feel a part of me was going with them, a part really was!

the other kids and i came home to a quiet house.
extra quiet with daddy gone for the week too and after all the cozy crowdedness and noise this place has seen this past week.

now, ben and emma have run off somewhere in the neighborhood to play with friends.
baby is sleeping.
i gathered all the sheets. the towels..
as i was sorting the piles i looked up and saw the sun peeking out from behind the clouds.
it’s brightness warming more than the chill in the air.

i put in a load and folded another, thinking to myself how often life can feel like a rainy day.
dark. gloomy. just blah. maybe even a blinding downpour. a scary storm.
but no matter what. the sun always comes out again.
the clouds part. the darkness passes. things are clear once more!

my dad said to me the other night when we were talking about some hard things in life,
this side of eternity is nothing like the other.
there’s something so much more than just now.
just our trial. just our sorrow. just our loneliness.
nothing is wasted or for no reason.
God is forever on His throne. never once stepping off.
it doesn’t matter if we don’t feel that way. the truth of it still remains!
just like the sun, though hidden from our eyes at times, it doesn’t change it’s existence.

when the chorus came i looked in the rear mirror and saw them and my kids singing away.
my eye caught my mom, quietly brushing tears from her cheeks. and suddenly my voice cracked and faded off.
i knew what she was feeling. i felt it too.
no matter how hard things might hurt there is peace in resting in His control~

those words, “still i will say.”
YES! still.
 
because, and i’ve probably written it here a hundred times,
but i’ll make it a hundred and one, because i need to hear it again..
peace is not a place, it’s a Person.

and we know that Person.
and most of all – He knows us!!

which usually means that something like, oh, say the wood trim that lines the doors of my 1972 bathroom cabinets..
seems to somehow become number one priority above anything else.
what? it’s eight o clock and you still haven’t eaten dinner!!
because of course, it’ll only take 10 minutes to paint that wood strip, right?
and why change out of my cute summery skirt?
it’s such a simple project, no way i’m getting it all over me!
how do i always end up with each of my fingernails nearly painted and atleast a spot or two on my leg or face!!

and if my friend cindy, from pennsylvania, happens to call..
well, then maybe i’ll just sit right down in front of the cabinets, all cozy like, chatting away..
and realizing in the course of it all that painting this thin piece of trim isn’t so easy.
so.. then i’ll need to paint the whole door to match. and suddenly the entire cabinet!!

and.. if you’re already sitting on the floor, that close to the baseboard, well, you might  happen to notice how dirty it looks.
so, of course, it needs a bit of paint too.
and then the walls suddenly look nearly yellow…
so, might as well throw some paint on them too!!
and who knew that trim paint and wall paint aren’t the same?

so.. now all the corners and around the ceiling, where i cut in, are clearly not the same as the walls..
and he says the entire thing must be re done.

and you realize {finally, though i’m sure it’ll happen again}..
way after the approximated “10 minutes” and 30 dollars later –
maybe it’s best to stick to the basics when company’s coming too! 

but. if the company coming was your family. then. it really doesn’t matter..
cause with family, they could care less about trim down bathroom cabinets.
and half painted walls..

and when my mom smiles at the smell of fresh paint and, oh sis.. you didn’t need to go to any trouble to make things look nice for us…
we’re just here to see you.

i’m reminded of one of the number one rules of all about having company…
that maybe, if i’m so anal about how everything looks that’s what people are going to notice way more than how spotless my house is,
or whether or not the paint matches!

because a relaxed hostess, home maker, wife, mother, woman, is one of the most beautiful assets any home can have!

and a place where people are comfortable and free to be themselves, is what makes people want to come. and to come back!
after all – - we’re all unfinished projects anyway.
perfect is so over rated.
in people and in homes! 

about that summery skirt i was painting in..
a few weeks ago, i followed my friend meg’s advice, on paring stripes with floral’s.
i felt a little awkward about it all clashing, since i’m more a basic black and white girl..
but it was liberating too to lay clashing and awkward aside and just go with it!~

and while on the subject of fashion, check out this blog sometime.-
who would have thought posting what you’re wearing every day could be so interesting.
i think if i had a style, and wasn’t so fond of my sweat pants, this would totally be it.
i secretly want to live in her closet..
not in a weird stalkerish creepy way. just in a, i live here so i can wear whatever i want, kind of way!

hope you’re having a great week.

we’re off to the beach~
which combined with my family, now means, my favorite summer happy place just got happier!!

reese usually is a great sleeper..
my friends that know her ask if i drug her.
she sleeps that well.

going down like clock work at seventy thirty or eight
and sleeping till eight or nine the next morning.

but this past week she’s taken to getting up in the night.
she cries as if she’s scared. afraid of the dark maybe..
and nothing but holding her seems to console her.

one night i finally just brought her to bed with us.
it’s usually a last alternative..
one she thinks is fun
one, shayne and i, as we lay there getting mulled to death, think anything but.

i was thinking while holding her that night how many times she’s kept me up…
from the first moments i knew i was pregnant with her, feeling nauseated at night.
where most are nauseated in the morning, mine was always the other way around.
then, that feeling that she was doing a tap dance on my bladder, constantly.
and in the end, just the torture of sleep itself.
no position in the world being comfortable…
and turning like a rotisserie chicken all night long!

and what about the first weeks of her life!
oh, those first six weeks..
talk of never ending nights!!
you can literally feel like your life as you know it is forever over..
convinced some glazed eyed, zombie woman has invaded your body and taken over the real you!
sweat pants and breast milk stains are your new look.
and skinny jeans and romantic dinners uninterrupted seem elusive.

then, wouldn’t ya know that just as soon as they begin sleeping through the night, the teething starts.
and there’s fevers and sickness and soaked diapers and beds and yes, times of being afraid.

once you’re a mom i’m not sure you ever really experience that deep, peaceful REM sleep, or whatever it’s called, again.
{actually i just googled that and it’s NREM sleep. REM sleep is not that peaceful}
if you’re like me your ears feel bionic and every little sound from your kids rooms comes in high def!

all i can say is, thank you Lord for the inventors of concealer.
garnier skin renewal anti- dark- circle- roller being the absolute best!
i want to hug the person that created it. no doubt, a mom!!

“mama’s gonna by you a floating cow.”

since cow rhymes with meow.
and if that kitty cat won’t meow,
then of course, the next logical thing is a floating cow!!
why floating i don’t know. unless that’s what i was doing a bit of while trying to sing. i was so tired.

and after talks and shadows and songs and stroking her hair atleast a thousand times, i felt her body go limp.
and my arm under her head soon going numb. but i laid there a good while longer..
you know how you do.. just to make sure she’s really truly asleep before moving!

and laying there in this awkward position, arm numb, eyes burning..
i kinda had the silly thought enter my head, “i wonder if she knows how much i do for her?”
the sacrifices i make. all that i give up. my own comfort to ensure hers.
how every fiber of my being thinks of her. of her happiness.
all my kids.
do they know how i much i love them. the way i love them. do they get that?

and about then, as reese turned, a foot going into my stomach and a hand slapping at my face i smiled to myself there in the dark..

no. she doesn’t get it. i’m sure none of them do. not really.

but someday…

someday, when maybe they’re just about 38 years old too, they’ll be sitting up in the middle of the night with their own little one.
and then.. then, they’ll get it.

all the love and sacrifice and emotion and happiness.

and maybe they’ll smile in the darkness just like i did as a quiet thank you echoes in their heart.

i might never know. and that’s okay.
but i bet they’ll suddenly understand..
someday, on a sleepless night. 

cancer.
it’s a word i hate.
a word you never want to hear out of the mouth of a doctor.
or over the phone from someone you love you so much.
it strikes so much fear.
it’s taken so many lives.

and i’ve wondered, why should mine be any different?
that is always the thought that goes through my head when i hear tragedy.
“why have you spared us, Lord.” and then, such gratefulness He has.

still, you never really think it will be you. someone you love.
you’re never truly prepared for that. until it becomes a possibility.
and even then. are you ever prepared?
you just kinda hunker down inside. hoping and praying..
suddenly seeing life from a clearer perspective that you wish didn’t take these kinds of things to make you see in this way -
as it should be. for what really matters. what lasts. what’s eternal.

for weeks now, in our family, i feel we’ve all been holding our breath as my mom’s health took a turn for the worse.
i’ve never felt more helpless, or more far away. and the waiting.
ugh! the waiting is just brutal!

waiting in doctor’s offices. waiting on calls back. waiting for tests. waiting for the next step..
waiting for surgery. and most of all, waiting on this day, wednesday, for the results about it all.

her appointment was early, and i was glad…
i didn’t want to have to try to distract my mind all day from worrying.
i don’t usually wake up terribly early, as those of you who know me, know.
but this morning, i did. and laid in bed, holding the phone in my hand, waiting for her call.
so many things go through your mind in those kind of times of waiting.

finally, she called and i don’t even remember if we said, hi, first. only the words, “it was benign!”
and i don’t think i knew just how tightly i was really holding my breath, until i heard that.
and then i felt all giddy. and then we cried together.

there are precancerous cells that they will begin to treat.
but we are just so thankful for a positive result and even the fact that they’ve now caught the precancer and can begin dealing with that.

thank you, so much, to those who have been praying. ~

ya know. i’ve been sitting here all morning thinking of how there’s some tough stuff that comes at us in life.
every day there is the temptation to get discouraged..
to believe the lies the God doesn’t care. He’s distant or silent.
but regardless of what we’re facing, the good always outweighs the bad.
because God is always good .. and positive test results or no, that never changes!!
and we can trust His plan, even when it doesn’t make sense, or seems hurtful.

what we have to be grateful for far, far exceeds any of the trials that overshadow that at times…

just to be alive. today! what a gift.

thank you Jesus for each new day. for protection and health.
everything is Your mercy. and we are held in the palm of Your hand.
thank you.

these were the verses i read this morning. familiar, but so comforting.

“Fear no, for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name. You are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you,
and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
neither will the flame even scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.

You are precious in my sight and I have loved you.” isa. 43

i hope your heart’s encouraged just simply remembering we have a God that loves us.
that cares. that hears. that heals. that redeems. that saves. that KNOWS.
and that thinks we’re pretty special too!

it’s a happy day!

add on top of rain a sore throat/ cough that won’t go away and yes..
i kinda woke up this morning with a bit of a dreariness inside to match the out.

it seemed from the minute my feet hit the floor there were demands from every side.
this kid needed to be this place by this time. another for a friend to be picked up by then.
and another a movie date with my friend and her two girlies..
if only i could find the phone charger to plug in my cell to answer the text to confirm the time!
which, suddenly i remember catching baby girl chewing on it the other day…
perhaps she went back later and just ate the whole thing!!
and that’s my conclusion since the charger is NO WHERE!!

and so went the nutty morning. and pop tarts for breakfast. and plans made. and people flying out doors.
and glad daddy was home and could help get people flying out doors at the times they needed.
and in the midst of my own, about to fly out the door…
i notice the stack of mail he’s brought in. setting next to his computer on the table.

a small, white little envelope on the top.
the pretty scripted handwriting catches my eye.
i feel a little leap that it’s my name on it.
how i love good old fashioned snail mail.
real words you can hold in your hands!
it always makes me smile.

i pick it up and see the vintagy looking edith piaf and miles davis stamps.
my mind rolls around the 3 or 4 friends that the scripty handwriting could be from. who would choose stamps like that.
i turn it over quickly and smile bigger at the return address.
of course, yes, clarita!

i think it must be a thank you for the baby gift i sent.
i turn it over a few more times as one of the kids calls to me from the front door.
i know i’m late and i half want to take it with me, but mentally tell myself to look forward to it when i get home…

fast forward more running in and out doors.
craziness. soaking wet from the rain. more than once.
a trip to pick up kids. drop off. to the grocery store. the video store.another stop for wings.
kids that ran in puddles tracking in grass and mud. showers. baths. pj’s. late dinner of wings and a movie.

all this while the little card sitting contently in it’s spot as we hustled and bustled about it.

finally. with a happy sigh. tucking it in my book and heading to the tub myself.. the first time of quiet all day.
i look at the cool stamps again.
opening the envelope slowly..
the white words across the black background, “you are my sunshine” meet my eye when i pull out the card..
i find myself at once humming the song in my head as i open the card and begin reading.

as i do, something square and light falls out. almost right into the water if i hadn’t caught it.
i know right away what it is. my eyes grow larger as i fold it back and look at the amount…
swallowing hard and feeling a mixture of gratefulness and just.. just, so humbled.

my eyes go through the words. and i see at the end. it’s not one friend, but many. from all over. spread far apart.
and the memo line on the cheque reads – camera fund.
my eyes get blurry just now even writing that. and i still find myself a bit at a loss for words.
i was so moved.

and the gift. yes, of course. the thoughtfulness.. well, it blows me away. that kind of kindness.
but even more – - times like this when you feel, and you know, without a doubt..
these people. these friends. they are God in skin to you and it’s as if you’ve seen a glimpse of HIM, because of them.

and i just felt tonight i had to say this publicly.
for anyone who’s had this happen. well, you know.
to anyone who’s ever felt something laid on your heart – -
don’t ever underestimate the power it holds.
the type of gift doesn’t matter.
there are gifts we all can give.

and when you feel it on your heart.. give.
whether words. time. prayer. money. a meal. a smile. a tight hand squeezing understanding.

you never know but what you give..
won’t cause God to come just a little bit closer to that one because of it.

thank you girls.
my God in skin kind of friends~