sunday night, after hard rain, there was that first hint of fall in the air...

and i guess i'm sorta starting to feel the urgency of the doors of summer closing.
just wanting to squeeze in every little opportunity for sunshine and warmth and lazy togetherness that we can.

so the laundry. it can wait.
that funny smell coming from the bathroom. i'm plugging my nose as i pass.
the dishes. i'm pretty sure they'll be there when i get back.
the beds. they'll only be slept in again tonight.
the few inches of dust on the furniture.. well, i can dust when it's snowing!

some days. you've gotta just leave it all and GO!!

housework will always {ALWAYS} be there.
these days. this one. just like this.
will not.

where's been YOUR favorite go to happy spot this summer??
a flower garden. morning coffee on the patio. a rocking chair on the front porch. the lake. a river...

snuggling in bed with reese early while we read paddington bear.
she only likes the page where he falls in the bathtub and john and judy have to fetch him out!

putting on an old sundress i bought from wal-mart years ago.
it's white and worn out, but a favorite.
i love how wearing dresses and skirts instantly make me feel prettier!

smiling as i toast everyone english muffins...
wondering how in the world four kids can be so loud!

listening as they all talk at once, wanting to tell each other about their dreams from last night.
i can't believe how well they remember them. and in such detail. i barely remember sleeping!

nearly tripping over kate and ben on their hands and knees, as i turn from the toaster..
their faces close to the floor, their bums stuck up in the air-
they inform me they're looking at the ants crossing the kitchen floor.

and emma trying to pick each one up and put them out the patio door.
"i haf to sabe them!"
clearly something she does not get from her mother, saving the ants! ...
because that is not the same sentiment i have when i see them!

the kids teasing me about not calling them the right name..
"ben. kate.. em.. ree.. WHO are you??"
and then i laugh at myself because i thought i would never be the mom that did that!!

emma squealing in delight when she takes a bite of her english muffin and her tooth falls out!

all of us watching the spider outside the family room window as it spins a web around a fly and puts it away for later..
i usually feel the same about spiders that i do ants.
but, there's something about how big this one is. how it's web hangs perfectly in the corner of the window.
and if you've ever read charlotte's web.. well, then you know!!  i just CAN'T tear it down!
i half expect to see words in it one of these mornings.

reese pushing her baby stroller round and round the house.
stopping every now and then to push the poor baby doll that's upside down, half falling out, back in.
glad that better mothering skills will come. 

hearing ben banging away at something he's creating in the garage.
i think for a minute of the disaster i know the garage will be in...
but then i think of the alternative of having him sitting around inside doing nothing,
and i just tell myself that super organized garages are so over rated!

watching kate from where i sit now at the kitchen table working on a tinker bell puzzle.
she had started it with emma. now, emma's gone and it's just her.

all these things made me smile this morning.
made me pause for just a sec and take it all in.

i've missed my camera alot this summer.
there's so many times i've wished i could have grabbed it to capture a moment.
but whether there's a picture to remind me or not, i have a feeling these are the times..
just us. happy together in our own little home, that i'll never ever forget!

and. after feeling i just sat down from cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast {and more ants!}
i can't believe it's already time for lunch!!

maybe i'll just pass out 5 spoons and we'll eat this instead..

this picture was actually of one i had made from the beginning of the summer..
the one here today doesn't look quite so nice.

hapPy weekend, friends.
hope it's filled with happy moments and a few sweet things to eat!!

how many times have i nodded my head emphatically along side the words,
"well, we need to just LOVE everyone!"

because it's true. we do need to just LOVE everyone. i honestly believe that.

but. in recent light of arguments swirling, and the tough issues surrounding us in society,
i've realized perhaps my head nodding hasn't been entirely from conviction..
rather, maybe a subtle masking of passiveness on my part?

i'd like to think i love everyone...
no matter backgrounds. lifestyle choices. criminal records. beliefs.
but that's easy to say from a comfortable distance away~
when was the last time i was truly confronted with those different than me?
in an every day, personal space kind of way?
that's when i see what kind of love i really have.

i can spew opinions all day on facebook. talk about the horrors in the world..
yes. nodding my head right off, and yet, not necessarily, love.

love is not a noun. a thing, an object.
it's a verb. moving. alive. active!

and i ask myself if what i've called "love," isn't merely a way of disconnecting.
we say, "live and let live." and it sounds well and good, but is that so we don't have to get too close?
too involved? too out of our comfort zones?

so. we stay on the sidelines and shout, 'love you's,' to those we never even truly take the time to see the faces of.

but beyond the superficial fluff of meaningless words.
what really cuts me to the core, is not so much my lack of love..
but the lack of feeling anything in particular at all.

and i wonder. is this not a greater sin than not loving? not really even caring.
to not be able to see past the needs in my own life, to a world emerged in brokenness?
to be so caught up in my own little sufferings, that i don't even notice the pained looks of those around me?

i've been thinking so much about this lately. churning it round..
realizing that the answer can't be, "simply love."
because there is nothing in me that can love. not like that. not selfless and without expectation.
even those i like and hold most precious. let alone, some perfect stranger i've never even met.

no. the real answer is God Himself!
He is the only one that can change hearts.

and that's what i need.
not more conjuring up some type of love. but a changed heart.
a tenderness to what hurts His.

to see those with different sins than mine with understanding, not judgement.
to be able to view the paths others are walking with compassion, not disdain.
to realize, it doesn't take trying on someone else's shoes to identify with their pain.
to offer kindness from a place of humility... genuine heart humility. 
not the false kind that leaves others feeling like a "project," not a person with real feelings.

to be able to love because it's a love God has put there, through a changed heart.
and not simply because acting like we love is the cool, vogue thing to do as a christian these days.

i have often feared what kind of world we're leaving our kids.
when they are mom's and dad's, what will they be facing?
and it's because of my kids...
not truett cathy or the mayor of boston or the gay's fighting for their rights 
that stirs a passion inside me to shake off my passivity and get serious with what i believe.

as their young eyes lock hard with mine, questioning, looking for straight answers..
i feel called to an accountability like never before to get off the sidelines and into the game!
to stop standing a safe distance away, afraid of getting a bit of dirt on me, from yes, the mess that is our world.

and i realize this is sacred ground we're treading.
this pursuing of change and realness and truth.
my heart races fast at just the thought.

but, i want my kids to know, as we join hands, and navigate the way together..
there is something so much more sure than simply what mom and dad have to say.
something much more solid. unchanging. reliable.

and when answers are needed for the tough questions.
and a changed of heart in order to genuinely love.
when you're trying to combat the lies flooding in all around...
feeling tossed. overwhelmed.

there is an anchor for our souls.
and that anchor is the Word of God.

because we BELIEVE we're supposed to be!

to not just let loving others apply to the homosexuals and liberal left wingers.
but to make it even more real than that and start in our own churches -
with our christian brothers and sisters.
imagine that?
people who've not spoken in years! that one you can't forgive.

we need to start within our own homes.

we need a few more christians willing to stop climbing on every political and religious soap box available out there,
and choose to simply stand one place. on the Word of God! 

kate. ben. emma and little reese..
i pray you will be those kind of christians.

yesterday, i spent the afternoon at the beach, ALONE!
the last time that happened was ... never!!

and.it.was.glorious.

so. we packed up, headed out.
stopping for a box of doughnuts on our way.
cause there's nothing like breakfast on the beach!
and cause, breakfast or not, we just like doughnuts!

a few hours after getting there, shayne got a text that had him having to head home...
and kate was needing to be at church by four for daycamp parents night...
and the little girls were starting to get cranky, getting close to nap time.
so, though earlier than planned, we thought it best to go on back.

i was folding up all the towels when shayne said..
"why don't you just stay."

i stopped for a minute. "really?"
then quickly. "oh, no...
it'll be less chaotic if i just come."

"no. it's fine."

"but you'll have to come all the way back out to get me."

he smiled. "i know."

at that moment i think the wind blew and the sun hit just so against my face..
that wonderful mixture of warmth and coolness at the same time that seems to happen only at the beach.
and i caved. "okay then. i'll stay."

once he and the kids were gone i admit i felt a little giddy/ stupid.
not sure what to do first.
so i did it all. one after the other. and then again. full circle...

read a magazine from cover to cover. {the 2nd time i just looked at pics}
drank my glass of sweet tea, before all the ice melted.
ate chocolate covered raisins.{and shared with no one!!}
laid on my blue {not a speck of sand on it} blanket and read.
and finally, after about the 5th or 6th time, stopped looking up when i heard someone call, "mommy?"
then, dosed off. then went for a swim.

i swam alone. and floated in the waves.
watching people. and the paddle boarders. and sailboats in the distance.
i laid back into the water, looking up at the smears of clouds across the perfect blue sky.
thanking God for that kind of beauty.
and the beauty of aloneness like that.
and the beauty of a husband that notices when i need that.
who offers, without me having to ask.

when i shut my eyes just now. i can still feel the motion of water all around me.
that feeling of gratitude and rejuvenation.

you live long on an afternoon like that!

i felt i was a bit of both-
kinda depends on what kind of refueling i need.

i wonder if there's a category for the intro/extro-vert mixes?
yeah. wack jobs!! ha.

haPpy monday everyone!!

there are times i've stood on mountaintops.
the climb and the view, equally, leaving me breathless..
and i look down as it were on the world. and yet, feel so small.

there are times when night is black and hundreds of dancing stars flicker in the sky.
when i stop. and turn my face upward. neck bending back until it hurts..
spinning round and round in circles to take it all in.
and as tiny as they seem from where i am, i feel, much smaller still. 

there are times when i've watched the american flag, draped motionless over a casket.
the wife of the fallen soldier, his little son and daughter, all gripping tight to each other.
when i've looked for the words and found none.
and in the shadow of such sacrifice. such loss. i feel small.

there are times a friend's tears move me to the same.
when separation and divorce were never part of the plan.
and an icy chill goes through my heart that, "if them? then who is safe?"
and i fold my arms around me from the chill. and feel small.

there are times when talk and images of skeleton children in countries far away bring shame to my discontentment.
when i realize my eyes see all i don't have, while their eyes see only hope..
because that is all they have.
and with their eyes looking in mine. i feel small.

there are times when scabs of old wounds get caught on something and suddenly rip off.
when out oozes hurt and bitterness i thought long dealt with.
when forgiveness not only seems tough, but impossible.
and all i feel against the onslaught of emotion, is small.  

there are times when parenting seems overwhelming.
oh boy. do i feel small! 

times when marriage seems more "for worse," than, "for better."
"for poorer," than, "for richer."
and the part about, "in sickness and in health?"
well, i didn't realize that would include the sickness of our souls...
the selfishness and pride and unyielded rights that can blow a marriage wide open.
and as we dance in the minefields. i feel small.

there are times i look around and feel every creative thought. idea. concept. dream. vision. possibility has already been used up.
in comparison. i feel small.

times i feel my voice doesn't matter. my words count.
when it all seems to have been said. expressed. blogged. authored. written.
and i feel small.

those times when life just weighs down heavy. so out of my control.
leaving me.. feeling small.

times when surrounded by people, and yet a loneliness.
and oh, how small in those times.  

times when it seems everyone else is successful. important..
when i'm pretty close to positive that i'm the only one that doesn't have it all together. {will i ever!}
yes. i feel small. 

and... those times when feeling small, just flat out annoys me!

but lately. ya know what i'm discovering?
feeling small isn't a bad thing.
it doesn't mean we're hunkered timidly in some corner..
or laying down for people to walk over.

"small" in God's economy has a whole different definition than the world's.
feeling small, when we belong to Him, is a good thing.

because it's there, in my neediness, i find Him most.

where i learn to to let go of the try-hard life and just lean over into His Sufficient Self.
where His grace covers every flaw and burden and loss and helplessness and hurt.
where, most of all, i'm reminded, not what life is about, but Who!

in those times when i feel small.  

but you forget at times. even though you know. and you've been here before.
you lose sight of the lesson I learned from my girl -

that no matter what it might look like from the window you're peering out of.
no matter how totally opposite of maybe what you desire...
of where you wish to be. or how you wish things were.
no matter how bleak. how dark. how hard. and even dead it may seem...
there is One that makes all things new again!

and we can't lose hope that though it doesn't seem anything is changing.. He really is at work.
there are things below the surface we can't see.

but waiting to "see". waiting on that change to come is tough. I hate it.
{I don't even like standing in line at wal-mart!}
and yet, slowly, I'm beginning to realize, and accept that it's necessary. it's part of the process.
because in the waiting. in the unknown. in things out of my control. those things that seem never ending...
what ends up changing isn't what I expected to change.
I find regardless of circumstances changing.. somehow.. I am.