{for those days. you know the ones i mean}

hey fellow mom's..
if you're feeling a bit tired, like i've been these past few days 14 years. take a little time to read this.

my favorites from the list were the two below. {what was yours?}


"I shall remember that a messy house at peace is better than an immaculate house tied up in knots."

"I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real."

do i hear an AMEN!

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{and just like that things are put in perspective}

It's the kind of call you never want to get as a parent.
Hearing your oldest on the other side, breathless. frantic...
saying in gasping words something about Emma falling from a tree. her head on a rock. blood everywhere.

I try to give a few instructions about making sure she's coherent and getting a wet washcloth on the wound.
Shayne's already spinning the van around in the middle of the highway. date night cut short. neither of us caring.
Suddenly I hate date nights and wish I had been there and why had we gone in the first place. and now, so far away. though not really.
but it seems things move in slow motion and I think every single old person and cautious driver in the world is out at that moment!
why that moment!! in front of us. keeping us from getting to her.

And I physically hold my hand to my heart as if I can keep it from beating out of my chest.
Oh, the anticipation. worry. not really knowing. it's almost as brutal as the knowing.

Shayne crosses double yellow lines and I try to mouth, "i'm sorry" as we pass. "emergency at home."
and a few times I wonder if we'll even get there alive ourselves...
but that's what you do as parents, right.
give no regard for your own life if you feel your child's is in jeopardy.

We turn onto our road, after what was the longest trip down highway 26 ever.
I undo my seat belt, wanting so out of that van..
and as I see the house, and Ben on the front porch, I whisper to Shayne,
"funny how just like that. in an instant. everything is put into perspective."

And as I rush up the steps and into the house I'm not thinking for a second of what has occupied my mind the last several days.
of what I've complained about. whined about. had a bad attitude about. questioned God about.
No. in that moment I could care less about jobs and money and future plans.
of where we live and whether we buy or rent.
of my stove with the hole in the top or the grass seed that won't take over the bare spot in the back...
All I want is to see my baby girl. to know she's okay. that's all that matters.

those are the things that should always matter.

Because those are the things that are eternal. people. only.
all this other stuff is just that. STUFF.
and why.. why do I forget so easily and get so tangled up in it?
the things of this world.. what we spend our time chasing and pursuing and wanting, does not satisfy.
there is not lasting peace and it does not bring fulfillment.
Who cares what your home looks like and if your entire back yard is nothing but dirt!
It's people that should occupy our mind. take our time. what we are most concerned about.
caring and having a heart for others -that's where it's at.

And, Lord. how it should begin in our homes!

May I not forget the intensity of which I needed to know my kids were okay.
of caring for them. of being aware of each one standing there, gathered around Emma.
of their emotions. their feelings. even baby. tugging at my skirt, wanting to be held. wanting to be a part.

Yes. sometimes it's all so overwhelming.
all needing you and for different reasons.
one tugging this way. one tugging that way.
But these are the souls we've been entrusted with..
and as moms we can only do the role we've been given well, when we keep the right perspective.
when we do what we do with eternity in mind.~

My neighbor was here when we got home. holding frozen green beans on Emma's head.
and I've never been more grateful to have neighbors in all my life.
Her name is Amber too and she's calm around blood, unlike this Amber, who isn't!

As she and Shayne searched through Emma's blood matted hair for where the wound actually was,
I talked to Emma and heard her little voice so shaky and scared.
and when I saw her tears, my own welled up.
reaching for my head and feeling, literally, the hurt she was.

I'm sure all moms know what I'm talking about.

and bless her heart. and Kate and Ben's for that matter..
when she first came in, they thought her hand was bleeding and told her to hold a washcloth on it,
but then couldn't figure out the growing pool of blood at her feet until they turned her around and saw her head!
needless to say. they felt awful.

She ended up not needing stitches. the wound clotted and was healing over within the hour. amazing things these bodies of ours!
What concerned us more was her complaining of her back hurting.
She was hanging upside down from a branch when she fell. landing flat on her back, and striking her head on a rock.
The nurse who saw her said we were to watch the area where the bruising was for any swelling, since it's right over her kidney.

and we were to wake her up every few hours in the night in case of concussion.
I'm afraid I woke her up about every hour. and slept little in between myself.
my mind bouncing back and forth  between prayers of thanksgiving and all the "what if's"...
which your mind tends to do in circumstances like that.
if only a little more this way. if only the front of her head, not the back.
and then the what if's only lead to more prayers of thanksgiving!

Of course I'm already thinking, no more tree climbers in this family!
or, investing in a lifetime supply of bubble wrap to pad them all up good and tight.

But then. I'm reminded there are Hands way more capable than mine.
A Grip much stronger. and we can assure our kids, that there... there is a safe place to fall. 

"the eternal God is our dwelling place. and underneath are the everlasting arms." deut. 33:27

amber.

{the one where i talk about my big fat ugly insecurities}

I wrote this weeks ago. and it's just sat here.
Guess I felt insecure to post about my insecurities. ha!

And not that I'm all over that now..
I mean, do you ever really get over your insecurities?
or, only, grow a bit more comfortable with them as you age.

Maybe that's it. not being quite so shocked at myself as I used to be.
As if, "who is this person and what have you done with the real me?"

No. I know the real me all too well. she often makes me cringe.
But that is part of the process of all this as well -
learning what simply needs to be accepted and then, what needs to change. 

*****
written may.15th

So a few weeks back I got my hair chopped off.
and, have pretty much regretted it since!

I had been thinking of doing it for months.
dog ear-ing every magazine page with pictures I liked.
Noticing that everyone in the world seemed to have short hair!

Why does it work that way?
When my hair is long, everyone's is short.
And when mine is short, it's as if theirs all grew 11 inches overnight!
Suddenly, I'm the only one with cropped hair to my shoulders!

It took me so long just to do it...
this stupid struggle inside over it all.
do it. don't. okay, I will. no, wait. think about it some more.

it was only hair, for crying out loud! it would grow.
Why couldn't I just let it go?

the answer I felt echoing back was a shallow one. and I didn't like hearing it.

If I've ever been complimented on anything in my life, it's been my long hair.
I wish it were that my face looked like j.lo's - but nope. just nice hair!
and I felt this nagging worry, "what if I cut my hair and I look UGLY!!"

yes. I've had my hair cut short two other times, this now being the third.
but that was when I was younger. thinner.
I'll talk about that insecurity in a minute...
right now we're still on the whole, cut hair look ugly, one!!

besides, wasn't long hair considered prettier. more feminine. even sexier??

To which, when I asked my husband if that were true, just rolled his eyes and said,
"Where do you get this stuff from? People magazine?"

how did he know!

But isn't that just it?
There's a whole perception thrust upon us in our society of what is considered attractive. acceptable.
Have hair that looks this way, and a body that looks like that, and THEN.. then you're beautiful!

hey.. when a size 10 is considered a plus size, there is something seriously wrong with our culture!!

There's a reason it's the double zero's that are always left on the sale rack -
NO ONE wears them! for the majority of normal women it's just not reality.

I would need to buy two pair and sew them together, just to fit over ONE of my legs!!

haha. okay. now let's talk about the fat insecurities..
which actually ended up being a deciding factor in getting my hair cut.
thinking maybe a few inches from my head, would somehow take it off my thighs!

I'm heavier now than I've ever been in my life, besides being pregnant.
and no. that is not your cue for skinny comments.
it doesn't matter what others say. I know how I feel.

and I've never lived my life or the foods I choose to eat based on a number..
which is why I don't own a scale. for me, it's about feeling good.
feeling my clothes fit me. feeling healthy and strong.

I'm working on it. I started a diet last week that.. well, so far, isn't going great.

to my husband:: What do you mean the Graeter's mocha ice cream that I brought all the way back from Cincinnati, packed in dry ice,
surviving an unforseen hotel night when I got sick, and snuck past the guards at the border, isn't part of the diet plan!!  

and to my girlfriend:: wanna run a 5k with me this fall. and, by the way.. how long exactly is a 5k?

hey. I'm the girl who can't even run to her mailbox without getting a cramp in her side.

But, just as hair doesn't grow over night. neither do muscles tone and weight drop off.
it takes time.

as does dealing with these big fat ugly insecurities.

And I'm learning..
I may not be where I want to be right now.
I wish my hair were longer, my body thinner.
but. this is me NOW. who I am. TODAY.
in all my size 10, short haired glory.
and I'm going to love that. and embrace it.

it doesn't mean it won't change. as long as we are living, we are changing. always.
sizes fluctuate. up and down. skin glows. it sags. hair grows. and grays. we get stronger. we get weaker. we wrinkle. we age.
just when we tackle one insecurity, another crops up. it's part of the journey. the process..
the process of finding HIM our ultimate security.

so when you go home discouraged that you're not the same size as the mannequins in the store.
and shut your computer off each night with a sigh after perusing pinterest, because of all the perfection you see.
feeling that slump inside that you'll never measure up~
remember where our true measurement of worth is found!

Whatever your body size and shape. pear, apple, banana, or blueberry!
the amount of  lines on your face or the style of your hair..
YOU.ARE.BEAUTIFUL.

There's no one like you in the world.
You are one of a kind. unique.
Hand crafted by the Creator of the Universe.
Made on purpose, for a purpose.
and when He looks at you, He's pleased.
He thinks you are precious.

He felt you were worth dying for.
and He rose again to prove you were worth living for!

His hands fashioned you. ps. 119:73

Fashioned by God, ladies!!!
now THAT'S something to feel beautiful about.

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{because this is my home}

Recently, while in Pennsylvania, we visited the Flight 93 Memorial.

as I stood there, looking out at the field that marks the burial ground of those on board..
a big burly dude in Harley -Davidson black leather, tattoos all up and down his arms, and a dew cloth on his head, came and stood next to me.

We stood there. side by side like that. several minutes in silence.
and as he turned to walk away he looked down at me and smiled.
That quiet, sober kind of half smile you give people in circumstances like that.
saying to the other, even without words, all the emotions you have percolating inside.

And suddenly you feel this kinship...
though complete strangers. and from outward appearances, opposites in every way.
but Americans.
and this is your bond, because this is your home!

Last night I watched the Memorial Service in Washington, on tv.
I said to Shayne when it was done, "things like this make me miss my country..."

he was sweet and said, things like that made him miss it too.

funny to miss a country, when you think about it.
and I never knew one could. or what it felt like. till I was no longer living there, and did.

I miss seeing our flag. green money. milk in jugs. and chik-fil-a.
I miss family gathering for picnics. stars and stripes on napkins. and graeters ice cream.
I miss putting my hand over my heart and belting out the national anthem.
I miss sonics happy hour and walking into target and smelling that familiar target smell. 

but really, no matter what country you're from..
if there is freedom, then there are those who gave their lives to make that possible.
because freedom is not free. it has been bought at a cost. and at the highest cost for some.

{what we should be known for.
   and how shopping at costco can be beneficial}

i don't know if your week started like mine...
perfectly great. long weekend. gorgeous weather. kids home from school. hubs home from work. victoria day {long live the queen}.
swimming. time with friends. time just us. cheering daddy on at his baseball game last night.
hearts full. inflated with all those things that make us happy.

then. {and just like that} at the end of it all. when everyone's winding down for bed ..
tired from the warm sunshine and the swirl of activity. a phone call.
the kind of phone call that makes your head spin. your heart pound.
words that make you wonder, "wait a minute! am i the enemy here? i thought we were supposed to be on the same side!"

words that make it hard to sleep that night.
hard to shake off the next day.
because hurtful words don't just shake off. they stick.
and stick long.

they tend to make you feel you're walking around all bent over..
like you do when you've had the wind knocked out of you and you stand there shoulders slumped, holding your stomach.
words can make it hard for us to stand up tall.

i felt that way as i went through my morning.
running errands with the girls. sitting at ben's poetry competition.
just. kinda. slumped. over. inside.

and then. in the parking lot at costco..
as i was returning my cart, this older man comes towards me, smiling.
with snowy white hair and what sounded like an irish accent.

"here. i'll take the cart back for ya. i'm returning mine and no need us both going."
he looked in the van door that was open. the little girls both looking back.
"besides, your hands are much fuller than mine!" he said with a wink.

and i nearly grabbed his little age spotted neck with a big tight hug.
because here! here was someone whose kindness. whose noticing my hands were full.
whose actions and words had just breathed wind BACK INTO THE SAILS OF MY SOUL!

but isn't it sad though.
to at times feel more love from a complete stranger..
than from those who should know {christians = christ-like} how to show it best?

i thought to myself as i drove away...
everyone acts like they do for a reason. there's a story there. yes. i get that.
but our past, or even what we're going through now, should never be an excuse for our wrong behavior. for how we treat others.

regardless of the hardships we've faced. of the hurts. the injustices. the pms. and plain crappy days.
we are all given the same choice..

we can be the kind of person that pumps the wind of LIFE into others.
or. the kind of person that lets it all out!

i know what kind i want to be.

and thank you Lord for those random strangers in costco parking lots to remind me! 

"this shall all men know you're my disciples..
{when He could have put so many other things He put instead}
 by your love for one another." jn.13:35

{the mess of being mom}

this morning while clearing the dishes from the table after breakfast i noticed something on the wall behind.
dark brown, sticky, and splattered from about halfway down, all the way to the baseboard.

i rolled my eyes and went to get the washcloth.

on my hands and knees, scrubbing away, i felt my irritation grow..
what was with these kids of mine anyway?
haven't we tried to teach them about being diligent. mature. serving others in the family?
sheesh. what about just some plain ole responsibility and cleaning up after themselves?

and then. somewhere in the middle of my fuming and planning out all i was going to say to them later...
a memory flash through my mind.
at dinner. a few nights earlier. and a certain freshly poured, full to the top glass of ice tea getting bumped by MY elbow!
and not just a little tilt to the side spill. but a full on knocked over and crashed to the floor spill.
i had cleaned the table. but.. guess i never noticed the wall!!!

i stopped cleaning and sat back on my legs as i realized -
it was my mess. not the kids.

as my friend rachel said, "So much of the 'stuff' that i react to in parenting is MY stuff coming out more than my kids.
They just happen to be in the (war)path when i deal with it."

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{no place i'd rather be}

i'm now writing as i sit on a old brown leather couch.
bought second hand from craigslist...

there's an ugly greenish outdoor/ indoor carpet on the floor.
dandelions through the window, in the yard beyond.

no more grand views of mountains.
or built in mahogany desks.
there's no continental breakfast provided. unless i make it myself.
no towels folded like ducks. or someone coming later to make the beds.
there's no heated pool on the floor below.
and check out time isn't at noon.
actually.. around here. there is no check out time!



yes. i'm back home.
but ya know what..
there's no place i'd rather be.

grateful. on this monday.
especially a monday after being with family and friends that my heart aches for far away..
when the big kids are back at school. shayne back at work. me, back to what i do here..
and i feel that little nagging inside to be homesick. to be a little down. a little sad. a little, "gee. this isn't the way i had pictured life going..."


 
instead.
i'm choosing to look around and say, "gee. this isn't the way i pictured life going. but what a GOOD life it is!"
my husband. my kids. my home. green indoor/outdoor carpet and all. the friends we've made here. the gorgeous sunshine outside. God's provision.

because true joy isn't determined by having the circumstances we want -
but finding His hand in whatever circumstances we are. 
what happens to us isn't just about us...
it's only a very small part of a much bigger story.

today. i choose to remember the bigger story!

{just married}

i'm writing now from a hotel in wheeling, west virginia~
set on the top of a hill, looking out over the mountains beyond.
the window is open. and I can see the town below grow darker as more and more lights go out.

the room is a navy blue and seafoam sort of green.
a cool kind of vibe and modern.
there's a little blue chair in the corner with this funky square pattern on it.
i admit i had the fleeting thought of wondering if it would fit in my trunk.
actually, i already know it wouldn't. and i'm afraid strapping it to the roof would just be too obvious!

so i guess i'll leave the little blue chair where it is.
i'm sure future guests will thank me when they sit here,
looking out over the little town below. the mountains beyond. and enjoy.

emma is long asleep in the bed in the other room.
i can see her through the door. or, atleast the top of her head.
the rest of her is buried beneath the thick comforter and mounds of pillows all around.

my mind can't let me rest just yet.
and so here i am. to process. to record.

i hear her words. her face. glowing. eyes locked in his. so full of promise. of hope.
that tiny tremble of the unknown and yet, complete confidence their love will conquer the world.

i'm sure they feel no one has ever felt what they do. had what they had.
and it's true.
no one can. and no one does.
it's theirs~ their love.
unique. individual. special. tailored to only fit them.

and i listened. and watched. and wiped tears. floods of memories poured in.
as if the haze of the chandeliers cast the figures in a fog and it was me standing there. shayne beside me.
and i could hear my own words. from all those years ago.
even feel my heart quicken at the rush of feeling.
and i shut my eyes for a brief minute and whispered something to the Lord like,

but as i drove away i couldn't help but think how those words weren't only for newlyweds.
they are just married because they chose to be.
and everyday we have that choice too.
to be, just married.

committing daily to take the words we recited on a platform before hundreds
and live them out in our lives before a simple audience of two. God. and our husband.
because commitment is far more than wearing a fancy dress. lighting a candle and signing a piece of paper -
commitment is a choice each and every day to be. to stay. just married.
and not "just" as in a boring, same old kind of way.
but just as in a fresh and alive and ever growing kind of way~

and though there's part of me that feels all silly and 8th grader-ish to say I have butterflies to think of seeing him day after tomorrow.
that's okay. to feel silly and 8th grader-ish. it's how it should be. and I'm glad to feel that.
those butterflies had flown away for a time, and to have them back...
well, those of you that have them know what I mean.
and those of you that don't.. yes. you know even more.

so tonight, far from home, I'm reminded once more..
as I have been many times throughout these 15 years-
wherever that man of mine is - is my home!
and i'm looking forward to being there again.

"I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard
Is a good place to begin

'Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price
For the life that we have found


{stop playlist to listen}

amber.

{these are my short stories}

so. while she needs me. while she wants me. I want to be there.
fully engaged in these moments! which means, sometimes..
sometimes being willing to set aside what I want to do until later,
so that I can pay attention to now!

Many people have said to me, "What a pity you had such a big family to raise.
Think of the novels and the short stories and the poems you never had the time to write because of that."
And I looked at my children and I said, "These are my poems. These are my short stories." - Olga Masters

what matters most are the words we live. not the ones we write!

amber.

{shadows}

I'm writing this from the corner of my mom's brown sofa in their family room.
The windows are open and I can hear the distant rumble of thunder.
The cars going by let me know the roads are still wet from the earlier rain.
I'm so glad I can make it here in one day.
even if it is a long day!

This trip down is just Emma and I. {i think i must have answered a gazillion and one, "are we there yet's"}
It was a bit of a last minute thing - as it seems most of our trips down are.
A friend of mine is getting married this weekend in Pennsylvania.
my parents are driving over and Emma and I thought we'd swing down this way, and ride with them!
Slightly out of the way, yes. but sometimes a little drive out of the way is worth it!

I knew I couldn't make the trip alone with both the little girls..
but with Shayne working, I wasn't sure who would watch baby girl.
I really hate asking anyone to watch my kids...
I seriously almost stayed home because it felt that hard to ask.
not because of who I was asking. it's just totally my thing I get tripped up on. asking for help!

But with each call I made to my girlfriends, I felt myself relaxing more at not only their reassurance..
but their quickness to say, "sure.. we'd love to!"

What's that about it taking a village? {I love my village}

so this morning on our way out, I dropped her off at Jenn's.
tomorrow it's Steph. Thursday, Cathy. and Friday, Deb.
{I hear Jenn fed her prunes. early apologies to the rest of you girls!!}  

When I was first becoming friends with some of these women I would hesitate to accept their invitations to coffee, or lunch..
"I have the baby!"
thinking that when they got together, all their kids older and in school, I was sure they wanted quiet mommy time.
not someone there with a squalling baby.
But their gracious welcome to not only me.. but baby too..
has once again shown me the importance of women helping women.
rallying around at all seasons of life and supporting and encouraging one another.
So often when I walk in, there's two or three hands grabbing for her.
they hold her. feed her. entertain her. so I'm the one who ends up with that "quiet mommy time."

it touches my heart in such a tender way when I see people loving on my kids.
and since they've loved on Reese way before now, I know she'll be as comfortable as anything with each!
she'll just think she's out for coffee with the girls every day this week !!

When I dropped her off at Jenn's this morning I was trying to sneak out. I was afraid she'd cry.  
but. not a drop! now mama on the other hand. not real tears. but all gulpy to leave her.~
we're pretty tight her and I.
She's my little shadow {constantly} and I feel something missing not having her close.

I was telling her again yesterday, while cutting her hotdog into little pieces, the story of when she was in my belly..
"and the doctors told me you were dead. but you weren't.
you were right there! Jesus put you there. and kept you there... and now you're our reese!"

and she always listens the same way.. head cocked to the side as if really interested.
then. at the end she'll lift my shirt to look at my belly, since she heard the word belly in there.
I'm not sure she understands a thing of what I'm saying - except the belly part.
and at the end. when I'm done with my "reese story" she'll draw her shoulders up. put her hand over her mouth..
and let out this shy little laugh of sorts like she does.
 
I think that story makes her happy!

I know I've talked of it lots on here since it happened. since she was born.
I probably sound like a broken record. but it's one I like playing over!
I think everything I write here is pretty much a broken record.
it seems my life is a continual process of learning the same lessons over and over.

but whenever I doubt His faithfulness I see that golden blonde head and I nod inside at the reminder of that lesson.
I feel that reminder in all my kids. but with her it was so loud. so clear to me -
God is still on His throne. and He cares. He knows.

That's something I can't get out of my head these past weeks.. since Easter actually.
the celebration of a RISEN Saviour needs to take place in our hearts every day.
it's not just for a once a year Sunday when we dress up in fancy clothes and clap and praise and get all excited...
it's for a life of praise that no matter where we are. or what we happen to look like. our hearts can worship.
we have hope!
because our God is Alive!!

A friend of mine recently found out she has cancer. yesterday she had surgery.
I went on her facebook wall to just jot a little, thinking of you.
but as I began typing these words flooded to mind - - 

"Because He lives. I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives. all fear is gone...

and that. says it so perfectly!

I don't know where you are today.what you're facing.
cancer. surgery. an empty womb. empty bank account. loneliness. hurt. rejection.

but I know where He is!
and because of that we can make it through.

{my favorite song right now}

**


the other night after dinner, shayne and I sat at the table talking while Reese was playing nearby.
I suddenly noticed her shadow on the corner of the cabinet and picked my camera up that wasn't far away...

Shayne pointed it out to her and it was so funny as she stood there watching it.
then. peeking around the corner at it.. like she was playing peekaboo.

did I say I miss that girl!

**

we had alot of fun as a family reading through your captions for our spider turned wide mouth frog creation in the last post.~
I literally think I chuckled at every single one.
I went through after dinner, and read them out loud to the family.
problem was - no one could agree on just one!
 
Ben liked the one about the spider's eyes being blood shot.
Kate liked the one about it's eyes being too far apart.
I liked the one about it being a no brainer. {homeschool project for sure!}
and Shayne liked the lady with the spray can {that's so me!}  

in the end. I let Emma make the final choice. since, after all, it was her spider!
she picked this one~

and said she liked it because it had her name in it!!

congrats Becky. message me your address and I'll get the gift card of your choice in the mail to ya!

**

time to head to bed.
I don't think my bum can take sitting one.more.second.

´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber